I went out for a drink with two colleagues yesterday, and spent a couple of hours discussing weight issues and food addiction with one of them. It was really interesting to be able to find a common ground regarding how we regard food, and how this view of food is noticeably different from our friends who are at healthy weights. I was able to share frankly with her things like I know the reason I have not really ever committed to losing weight is fear.

I’m afraid that I’ll fail. That I’ll be the girl who loses a noticeable amount of weight and is praised for it, only to become the girl who gains it all back (and then some?) and is mocked for it (behind my back, of course). My colleague’s response was “So what? How is that different from being known now as the fat girl?” I would rather be known as the girl who tried and failed, than the girl who never really tried.

And on this topic of failure, I have to accept that I will fail. I will slip, slide backwards, make bad decisions on the weight loss journey; that’s about the only guarantee. How I react and treat myself following these falls is what will ultimately determine my success. Failure and success are intertwined; if only I could remember that every time I moan about my fear of failure.

The other thing I’m afraid of is the fact that I’ll change and how this new me might affect some my relationships. When a family friend of ours lost 94 pounds, her personality changed. Always gregarious and easy going, she become a bit standoffish and aloof. The same thing happened with another family friend who lost over 60 pounds. It was striking and I didn’t like it. But if I think about it more logically, maybe the change was their reaction to people’s mouths literally falling open when they’d behold their new figure. Or maybe once they reached that healthier weight, they no longer felt they had to be the funny, gregarious person (because fat people do very often compensate by being the funny, self-deprecating, joke-cracking person in the group). Maybe in both cases this more distant person is her true self that had been hiding all along.

Despite my fears at having to deal with relationships that might change because I might change, I know it’s silly to let that stop me from actually trying. For all my blog entries on the matter, I still feel like I have barely tried, probably because I equate trying to lose weight with words like “hard”, and “deprivation”, and I am not exactly known for depriving myself, be it by setting a strict budget that I have to follow or by limiting what foods I can eat. I have made baby steps though, and turned these steps into habits: I no longer add sugar to my tea or coffee (though I will sometimes add sweetener to my coffee). About a month ago, out of habit, I added sugar to my tea and my sister was taken aback and my own disappointment with myself that I slipped. I only drink water with my lunches instead of juice or iced tea, I’ve reduced my rice consumption and every dinner must have a significant vegetable component. I eat heart-healthy nuts on a regular basis. I make greater efforts to take the bus that won’t bring me directly to my front door, meaning that I get at least a short walk during the day.

But areas for improvement are many: my physical activity is still too low, I still have unopened exercise DVDs that need to be used to be effective, I don’t get anywhere near 10 servings of vegetables each day, and I am lacking in whole grain and fibre intake. And it’ll come as no surprise to you that my candy consumption remains high (my biggest struggle).

I booked my annual physical exam yesterday; it’s six weeks away. I am a praying girl so I will be praying that the small changes I’ve made will result in good readings all around, just like last time, and maybe even better results if I’m diligent.

My challenges can be summarized in the following: I need to eat less sugar and exercise more often, with a goal of making both of these actions into habits. Emma provided me with some great links on going sugar free, and I need to give them a good read and see if those tactics could work for me. I need to stop setting myself up for failure by keeping a wide assortment of cookies, candies and baked goods in the house, like a squirrel storing up nuts for the winter, and instead allow my need for them to dictate whether I’ll drag my butt out in the freezing cold to get a bag of skittles. I need to stop letting my attempts to exercise stop in the thought stage and embrace the “I’ll try it for 5 minutes and if I still don’t feel like doing it I’ll stop” attitude.

It’s worth a real try.

(Those of you who have read similar entries are rolling your eyes and saying “This again?”, but this is part of my journey to a healthy weight. I am not one of those people who can say “I am going to lose 100lbs”, and week after week report that I’m well on my way. I am the girl who has to constantly remind herself that she needs to start somewhere before actually taking that first step. I am the girl who will take many first steps but move backwards before she actually moves ahead. And that’s ok.)

Filed under: Health, flab gab by jummy | 10 Comments »

I’ve been uncharacteristically swept away by the Olympics this year (due entirely to the fact that they are being held in Canada). That I have forsaken Season 5 of Grey’s Anatomy to watch that most dull of sports, curling, is shocking to me.

One thing that the Olympics have reminded me of is that we all have a story. It’s easy to forget that some of these incredible athletes are humans with pesky younger siblings too. When you see attractive, fit athletes posing for pictures and beaming, it’s easy to think that their road to this success has been relatively smooth.

But as Canada has introduced us to its medal hopefuls, we’ve met people like Alexandre Bilodeau, who won the first gold medal that Canada has ever won on home soil, whose story of the strength that he has drawn from his older brother who has cerebral palsy brought me to tears on more than one occasion. And more recently, hearing of the passing of Joannie Rochette’s mother upon her arrival in Vancouver to watch her daughter compete, and hearing that Joannie has decided to compete as it’s what her mother would have wanted, really touched me. These are the more striking stories, but there is no athlete that has been featured on the many many news reports whose life doesn’t have an interesting tidbit to share with the world.

And it’s true of us all. We may never win a medal or get on television, but that doesn’t diminish the value of our lives and the stories that we have. For at least a decade, my father has been saying that he’s going to write his story. I have actually always thought my parents have an amazing story so it’ll be my honour to be part of that process. I may even spearhead it!

We immigrated to Canada and I vaguely remember coming to a new country and all that involved. I think that’s why this Tim Horton’s commercial is so touching to me.

There is a lot more Olympics viewing in my future this week and I’m looking forward to catching the ice dancing finals and even some hockey. I know: I don’t recognize me either!

Filed under: Celebrations, Mundane by jummy | 1 Comment »

I’m not known for being meek. I can be shy, sure, but ask me what I’d do in a situation where someone appears to be taken advantage of and you’ll hear my very loud opinion of the situation. I also have strong ideas about responsibilities that I think friends and family members have toward each other. I may have given these, unsolicited, to Amanda once or twice, or Shannon, or Ves, Rich, Eli… If you give me a scenario, I will usually have a fairly decisive course of action.

But even loud, abrasive girls named Jummy have their stumbling blocks, and mine seems to be Professionals, especially ones with a degree or certification in something I feel I know nothing about. If you are a financial planner or lawyer, for example, I will defer to you in those matters. You won’t hear a peep out of me regarding what I think is best, even though it’s my money or future that is at stake: I will trust your judgement. Basically Professionals stun me into silence, leaving me only capable of nodding or making other gestures of agreement when faced with suggestions.

In the case of the real estate agent, I thankfully snapped out of what felt like an abusive relationship, and came out otherwise unscathed. By this time tomorrow I’ll be out of a month’s worth of lunch money for the sake of a legal consultation, but all may not be lost as there is still a chance that I’ll also get the information I need. I handled the situation without finesse and wasn’t in control, even though I am the paying customer and should be the one holding the clout. I allowed myself to crumple in response to a guilt trip and subtle intimidation. I need more confidence when dealing with these people, and I need to stop acting like I’m brain-dead in certain areas, just because I don’t have a degree or certificate on the topic. The minute I start asking friends or colleagues for advice on a certain matter is usually when I know I’ve made a misstep along the way.

This is a definite stumbling block in my maturity as an adult.

(Oh, I got myself my iron pills and I’ve popped them! I’m practically not a procrastinator anymore!)

Filed under: Introspective by jummy | 2 Comments »

I have been having a hard time blogging this week on both blogs, and I’m not sure why. I started working on an entry on friends and friendship earlier this week, then moved to an entry on a save to splurge challenge I entered five weeks ago (I’m doing well on it, surprisingly). In both cases I wrote and edited for two or three hours, only to abandon the entry because it wasn’t coming together as I wanted it to.

I’m exhausted. I fall asleep within 30 seconds of my head hitting the pillow. I’m also out of my iron pills (I think there a correlation). I am really looking forward to this long weekend (thank God for Family Day).

Filed under: Mundane by jummy | 2 Comments »