I came across Joy Nash’s Fat Rant youtube videos a few days ago and they’re really quite good. Please watch my two favourites:

First off, let me say that I am not one of the women she’s telling to accept their fat if they eat well, exercise and are still not conforming to what “society” considers normal. This is because I am a compulsive overeater when it comes to sweets. I eat three normal, relatively balanced meals (I need more veggies though) most days, but when sugary sweets are added to the mix, I know I am not in control. I don’t want any of you to think I watched the videos and thought I had an excuse to stop trying to control my overeating and just accept myself as I am. I have to continue introducing healthy habits into my life, and in addition to exercise this includes not bingeing on sugary treats. If, after a few years of mindfully eating and regularly exercising, after annual checkups that reveal that all my medical blood tests continue to be better than those of previous years (which were always “normal”), I am still “fat”, then I can embrace that aspect of the video. Does that make sense? It’s so important to make that distinction.

What I love about the videos is they don’t glorify being fat (overweight, obese). The message is: eat well, eat things you like too, exercise, and if you are still fat, who cares?!! Another stronger message is to society who looks down on people who are fat and who thinks less of them or attributes certain traits to them because they are fat. Are some fat people lazy? Absolutely! Are some skinny people lazy? Of course! Are some fat people slobs? Sure thing! So are skinny people.

The videos focus on the intrinsic value of humans, regardless of their shape or size. It tells those of us who have put certain aspects of their life on hold because they are fat (Um, not that I can relate) that I they have to stop using that as an excuse (to my darling friends who have told me this over and over again, as recently as a few nights ago, don’t think I don’t remember!). People who live on a steady diet of junkfood and ’sedentaryness’ are not excused: it is not ok to complain about being fat if you’re not healthy or trying to adopt healthy habits (though really, the message is stop complaining and start living!).

My favourite quotes from the two videos:

“Don’t use being fat as an excuse…’That guy would never ask me out; I’m fat’…as if that was the only thing that could possibly be wrong with me. How about ‘I’m late all the time’. How about ‘I’m mean to people’? I’m a bitch! I’ve got this great big automatic built-in excuse. I never have to work on any other aspect of my personality. The only thing that anyone could possibly have a problem with is the fact that I’m fat. And I’m also not giving people the benefit of the doubt. Maybe this guy is not a weight bigot. Maybe he just doesn’t talk to me because I look so zoned out all the time. Maybe he hates the band whose tshirt I’m wearing. Maybe he just doesn’t have anything interesting to say. I make this guy’s failure to fall in love with me the fault of my fat. It’s silly; a waste of so much time.”

This was just the slap in the face that I needed. I know deep down that there are many aspects of my personality that could be turnoffs to guys, but I’ve always felt like my excess weight was the biggest issue. But, I’ve also told my dearest friends that if I manage to lose the weight and am still single, that’ll prove to me that it’s my attitude that needs to be adjusted.

“Fat hate is one of the only forms of prejudice where the people who are subjected to it feel like they are getting exactly what they deserve.”

So true! I think a lot of my friends are learning more and more how deep-rooted my issues with my weight and my worthiness are and that above quote says it all. I expect to be rejected (by men) because of my size. When it happens I’m hurt but deep down I feel like I deserve it.

“You deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. You deserve to be happy.”

I am done with feeling like I’m less worthy because of the extra pounds. I am determined to “fake it until I make it” when it comes to believing that I’m a beautiful woman right this instant, not 80 pounds (less) from now. Self confidence is not conceit: it’s believing in your worth as a human being and projecting that. It’s dressing your body the best way you know how, right now. It’s wearing make up, playing up the attributes you love, while allowing the parts you’re not as crazy about to play second fiddle. But those parts that you’re not crazy about? You still have to love them, because they are part of what makes you, you. Work on them, but also accept that they may be here to stay.

I wore a skirt that was above the knee to work a couple of days ago and I felt so self conscious. When I tried it on at the store the day before, I knew it was shorter than what I normally wear, but I thought it looked good. I have always hated the back of my knees because of the hunk of lower thigh that meets at the knee that I thought looked ugly, but I actually do have nice legs, hunk included, so I decided to stop hiding. I was worried that some people might see me in the skirt and wonder why someone of my size was wearing something that short (much like I think when I see someone wearing something that is way too tight for them…in my opinion), but that’s what self confidence is about: if you think you look good and you find something that fits, wear it! Who cares what people think! For all I know most were wondering how I left the house with my hair looking like an uncombed mass on my head!

Anyway, this is more than enough chatter on this issue of fat. This is such a long journey; I hope I have the stamina to go the distance.

Filed under: Introspective, flab gab by jummy | 1 Comment »

I am my mother’s child:

• We have the same recurring hair in that space between our chin and neck that we must pluck (though hers is grey)
• When we’re cross, we give the same look
• We have the same chin area
• We are boisterous, impulsive and playful
• We both not-so-secretly believe that there is only one way to do things

I am my father’s child:

• I have his nose, and his eyebrows
• We both wear glasses (though he is far-sighted while I’m near-sighted)
• We like to keep our paperwork…until it threatens to drown us
• We are big readers
• We like to do research

I hope I inherit my mother’s ability to be hospitable like none other, her self-sacrificing nature and her unending stores of energy. I hope I can one day boast that I am as willing as my dad is to see the good in people, to be so confident in who I am that I can hear people saying things that are lies about me and quietly defend myself, once, then walk away. I hope I can one day be as wise as he is.

It is my dad’s 60th birthday today, and we’re throwing a casual, open-house type bash for him, at my parents’ place, in one short week. The invitations went out yesterday, by email, and because of the love that so many people have for my parents, I know it will be rousing success. In fact, I may need a day off to recuperate from it. Happy Birthday to my dad, who would be horrified to learn that I have yet again posted something about him on my blog.

Christmas 2009

Filed under: Family, Introspective by jummy | No Comments »

Four Sundays ago, I decided to copy my crazy colleague and begin a self-directed Learn to Run program. Her cousin-in-law (to be) had done an official program and was able to give her some pointers. The goal of the program is to have you running for 20 minutes in a 10 minute run, one minute walk, 10 minute run format. The program requires you to get out three times a week and do the following:

Week 1: 1 minute run, 2 minutes walk; repeat 6 times
Week 2: 2 minute run, 1 minute walk; repeat 6 times
Week 3: 3 minute run, 1 minute walk; repeat 5 times
Week 4: 4 minute run, 1 minute walk; repeat 4 times
Week 5: 5 minute run, 1 minute walk; repeat 3 times
Week 6: 6 minute run, 1 minute walk*
Week 7: 7 minute run, 1 minute walk*
Week 8: 8 minute run, 1 minute walk*
Week 9: 9 minute run, 1 minute walk*
Week 10: 10 minute run, 1 minute walk*

*I’ll have to fill in the number of reps later as I can’t recall how it goes.

(Also, I think the program does the walk first, then the run part but I usually walk for a minute or two before starting to run…I have to psych myself up!)

The shocking part is as I enter my fourth week, I have managed to go out three times a week and do the above…in the morning.

I am not a morning person (!!) but I have woken up before work twice a week and done this run (my third day is a Sunday so I have been able to get up later, but still earlier than my usual weekend wake up time). I’m amazed by this, but almost as amazed as I am by the fact that I have been able to progress each week, adding a minute to the running part and making it work. It really is a testament to the resiliency of the human body and its ability to adapt.

Remember I mentioned joining a Learn to Run program? The plan was to join one being offered by a local running club, but the session at that location was cancelled. I (and my crazy colleague) went to another location to try out the first session last week and I wasn’t impressed (though it’s not the running club’s fault): it is offered after work, the location is distant from my workplace, I didn’t enjoy taking the bus in my workout gear, sweaty and out of breath and, it turns out I prefer working out in the mornings, shockingly enough, because I really look forward to the refreshing shower and it’s just a good way to start the day. For those reasons I decided not to join, but to stick with my own program.

I had a concern after the session I did with the group that perhaps I was moving too slowly because I was near the back of the pack. My crazy colleague tried to tell me I was crazy but I would not listen. The instructor was able to mostly convince me that speed does not matter, it’s not a competition, it’s a personal thing and as long as I’m running when I’m supposed to be, and walking when I’m supposed to be, I’m doing just fine.

What I love too, is although I’d love to lose weight with this new habit, it’s not the goal. My mindset is “healthy people exercise regularly, so I’m doing this because I want to remain healthy”. It’s a refreshing way of looking at things and when I combine that with what I’ve learned from reading Women Food and God, I feel like I’m on the right track, even though I ate skittles nearly every day last week. It’s a process.

So, I’m off to begin day 1 of a four minute run, followed by a minute of walking. I’m worried that I won’t be able to do it but you know what? I’m going to try.

Filed under: Operation 5K, flab gab by jummy | 3 Comments »

I finished reading Women Food and God. The first two thirds of the book were hard to read, and I resisted reading it for what felt like months. (I just checked and it was months). Well, what’s important is that I did finish it, and I found the last third of the book the most practical; the earlier bits were just too abstract for me (though I can see how they might be important for others). The book had some good take-home messages for me:

Develop a healthy relationship with food from a place of love rather than of hatred (of yourself or your body).
To do this I will have to silence The Voice, that part of me that spouts negative things like You will always be single as long as you remain fat, and makes a correlation between my physical appearance and my value as a human being. If someone came up to me and said that because they are 100lbs overweight they think they’re less worthy than a slimmer person of having what they desire in life, I’d stare at them, aghast. I’m the weirdest person: I love myself, honest, but I do fall for the false truth of The Voice’s messages, especially when I look around and it seem like now that most of my friends are coupled up, it’s the larger ones who are still single.

I went for coffee with a friend almost two weeks ago and as we sat under a tree in the parking lot, she shared that as silly as it may seem, writing positive messages for myself and tucking them in places only I would see might be a good way to pump myself up. Even if I read “You’re a beautiful woman, worthy of finding love and living the future you want” and I snicker, with time I will believe it. I haven’t done it yet but I imagine shutting up The Voice, and replacing its messages around me with positive ones will go a long way to a more positive Jummy (well, a more body-positive Jummy, because I think I’m a fairly positive person).

Awareness and compulsion cannot coexist, since the latter depends on obliteration of the former.
That is a direct quote from the book (page 156) and it’s true. When I eat sweets (my vice), it is a compulsion. When I recognize that I am eating compulsively, I can’t go back and pretend that I’m not aware of that. It doesn’t mean that I stop every time I realize that I’m just eating skittles without thinking, but even the decision to keep eating is a more conscious one. And that’s important.

I am a Permitter.
The book uses the terminology of Restrictors and Permitters, and you can probably guess from the names what each does with regard to food. As a Permitter, I don’t believe in putting limitations on what I can consume. I’m aware of the hazards of eating too much sugar or fat, but I dislike the idea of limiting myself calorically or in any other way (I don’t like restrictions generally speaking). Apparently Permitters use food to leave their bodies and not be present, so as a result they are not good at talking in terms of fullness or hunger. So when I feel myself slipping into compulsive eating, I’m supposed to ask myself if I’m actually hungry. I think the questioning brings you back into the moment and makes it harder to be mindless and unaware of your body’s feelings of hunger or not as the case may be.

Learning about hunger.
If you have a healthy relationship with food, you generally don’t eat when you’re not hungry, and you certainly stop eating when you’re full. This doesn’t mean that you don’t ever overeat, especially when you’re eating something you love, but most of the time, you follow those simple rules. I’m not like that: I am learning to ask myself if I’m satisfied while eating, and most of the time I’ve discovered that it takes less for me to feel satisfied in my stomach than I thought it would. For example, I’ve always bought two slices of thin crust pizza for lunch because two slices cost $5.80 versus one slice at $3.15. After eating one slice, I’m always anticipating the second so I eat it. However sometimes, as I discovered when I tried it last week, one slice is enough. In fact, unless I haven’t had breakfast, one slice of pizza leaves me feeling satisfied, but even getting used to feeling satisfied versus “stuffed” is a work in progress. When your stomach is distended, you probably overdid it, and I realize now that I overdo it regularly.

When I feel a craving (versus hunger) for food, I feel it in the base of my throat. It’s a feeling I’ve come to recognize these past couple of weeks and maybe you’ve felt it too. It’s a desire for something, but if it’s not in my stomach, it’s not true hunger. This feeling in my throat can feel far more severe than a growling stomach, so I really have to work on finding out why I’m feeling that craving and seeing if there’s something besides food that will ease the feeling in my throat.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading. I was really getting this info down so that I’d have it to look back on in the future. I think anyone can benefit from the seven eating guidelines so if nothing else, I’d encourage you to check them out.

Filed under: Introspective, flab gab by jummy | 1 Comment »