My working personality is one that I don’t like at all: I get comfortable and I plod along, doing the same thing. I lack confidence in myself and make no attempts to make myself shine, even though I see others around me doing it and getting recognition for it. They’re no smarter than I am; they just know how to play up their strengths and minimize their weaknesses. My attention to detail is one of my greatest strengths but you’d never know it. I’m a very helpful person and often put aside my own work to help others and lose track of the time, while they seem to know when to be helpful and when to step back, and how to avoid staying late at work catching up. My welcoming nature makes my office one of the more popular ones for people who want to talk to someone who is interested and who will become engaged in the conversation, but at the end of a 15 or 20 minute conversation, I’m left with nothing more than a closer bond to a colleague (which I love) and a backlog of work to do (which I of course detest).

When I come up with good ideas that are put into place and prove effective, I don’t make a record of it. I don’t devise ways of measuring the success of my initiatives so that these can be used to bolster my salary during my appraisals (not that I have ever requested a salary boost, mind you!). I do so many things half way, not taking full advantage of opportunities, and definitely leaving a lot on the table.

Far too often I simply do what I’m told and let others draw out the path of my career. Much like I am when it comes to things where I feel I’m not an expert, I let someone else steer my career. Others use me as a resource to help them get where they are going (and there’s nothing wrong with that), but I don’t end up doing the same. And as I see others moving ahead, I realize that I have to step up my game and make sure I have something to show for my time at this place, especially as my five-year anniversary approaches.

In the last year there have been some changes to my position, and these need to be fully digested and recorded, especially some unclear elements. Why haven’t I done it yet??? Can you believe that I haven’t updated my resume in four years? Of course you can; my reputation for procrastination is hardly a secret. I don’t even know where the last resume I updated back in 2006 is, while some people I know keep their resume so up-to-date that they would be able to print off a copy and hand it to a potential employer within a minute.

This entry was supposed to go in a completely different direction: I wanted to talk about how I need structure and try to get structure in many areas of my life, including my job, yet I have trouble maintaining it; I guess I’ll save that for another entry.

Where do you see your career going? Are you in the career or job you intend to still be in in the next five years?

I’m so thankful for the comments that were left on my last entry. The encouragement and kindness you showed, in spite of the fact that a lot of the entry is repetitive, is very touching. I will be reading the comments over and over as I try to keep myself on the right path. I also want to send you each a personal reply and I have sent a couple so far.

I was so excited to have three awesome ladies come over this past Saturday evening a full week ago for a much-needed girl’s night. We dined out then came back to my place for dessert and hot drinks. We had so much to talk about (it had been a while) and at the end of the evening I felt like I knew a lot more about at least two of them than I knew before. There were a couple of emotional moments, inevitable perhaps when you have so much history with someone.

I steered the conversation toward relationships, particularly this idea of settling and knowing when someone is the right for you. Of all my friends in my age range, only one pursued love the way our mothers may have, with a focus on picking someone that you could build a good life with and who you cared for rather than looking for that undefinable “zing”. I’m completely on the fence about this idea. I mean she wasn’t repulsed by him when she met him but he wasn’t the kind of guy she imagined she’d end up with. She says she loves her husband more every day, and for her that’s what makes sense, the idea that the spark or sizzle may not be there in full force on day one but grows from day to day and week to week, rather than it being overwhelming at the beginning of the relationship and then fading over time. I have always thought that spark is what makes you decide to get to know the person more and see if they have staying power, so I don’t know anymore.

I recently read a magazine that interviewed Lori Gottlieb, a woman who wrote a controversial article on this idea of settling, and I’m eagerly awaiting her book on the topic (Marry Him: The Case For Settling for Mr. Good Enough). The book is out but I’m borrowing it from the library so I have to wait and I can pick it up next week because I got the notification email from the library yesterday that it is in! Gottlieb thinks that women of today in their 30s have a sense of entitlement, where they think they should be able to find a man who has everything on their list, and also have that zing, chemistry or spark too. She finds that these women are unwilling to compromise and they are asking for more than is realistic, given what they actually want from marriage – a companion, someone they can build a life with and share common goals and of course, love with.

To be fair, she’s not recommending women “settle” for crap. What we ladies agreed on is you cannot feel like you’re settling: yes, the guy you end up dating longterm or marrying may not physically resemble who you thought you’d be with, he will likely not be as good on the some fronts as you hoped he would be and he may not have that sarcastic sense of humour you thought was so crucial, but you must feel like he’s still right for you. There must be more positives than negatives.

As a woman in my early 30s who knows she wants to get married, I’ve been thinking a lot about my expectations and desires of marriage, and trying to see if I’m being unreasonable. I am a generally demanding and unreasonable person, so this introspection is required. My desire for a fellow Nigerian, nay, one from the same part of Nigeria as I, is extremely picky, but my list of non-negotiables is very reasonable (no smokers, druggies, alcoholics or men with a history of any sort of abuse). Of course I have other desires in a mate but I’m somewhat flexible on them and trying to be more so as time goes on. And I’m increasingly willing to compromise on nationality if everything else more or less checks out.

I’ve thought about the guys I’ve gone on dates with in the last year and I remain content with my decision to not pursue anything (though I suspect Gottlieb would probably say they all deserve at least one more date, even the one who cancelled the date at the last minute). If I’m honest, the last guy I went on a date with would probably fit the bill but my heart isn’t in it for some reason.

I’m looking forward to reading the book and hopefully gaining some insight regarding what I should be focusing on as I seek a life partner (that phrase makes me feel about 60 years old).

How did you know your significant other was the one for you?

I’m afraid that I’ll fail. That I’ll be the girl who loses a noticeable amount of weight and is praised for it, only to become the girl who gains it all back (and then some?) and is mocked for it (behind my back, of course). My colleague’s response was “So what? How is that different from being known now as the fat girl?” I would rather be known as the girl who tried and failed, than the girl who never really tried.

And on this topic of failure, I have to accept that I will fail. I will slip, slide backwards, make bad decisions on the weight loss journey; that’s about the only guarantee. How I react and treat myself following these falls is what will ultimately determine my success. Failure and success are intertwined; if only I could remember that every time I moan about my fear of failure.

The other thing I’m afraid of is the fact that I’ll change and how this new me might affect some my relationships. When a family friend of ours lost 94 pounds, her personality changed. Always gregarious and easy going, she become a bit standoffish and aloof. The same thing happened with another family friend who lost over 60 pounds. It was striking and I didn’t like it. But if I think about it more logically, maybe the change was their reaction to people’s mouths literally falling open when they’d behold their new figure. Or maybe once they reached that healthier weight, they no longer felt they had to be the funny, gregarious person (because fat people do very often compensate by being the funny, self-deprecating, joke-cracking person in the group). Maybe in both cases this more distant person is her true self that had been hiding all along.

Despite my fears at having to deal with relationships that might change because I might change, I know it’s silly to let that stop me from actually trying. For all my blog entries on the matter, I still feel like I have barely tried, probably because I equate trying to lose weight with words like “hard”, and “deprivation”, and I am not exactly known for depriving myself, be it by setting a strict budget that I have to follow or by limiting what foods I can eat. I have made baby steps though, and turned these steps into habits: I no longer add sugar to my tea or coffee (though I will sometimes add sweetener to my coffee). About a month ago, out of habit, I added sugar to my tea and my sister was taken aback and my own disappointment with myself that I slipped. I only drink water with my lunches instead of juice or iced tea, I’ve reduced my rice consumption and every dinner must have a significant vegetable component. I eat heart-healthy nuts on a regular basis. I make greater efforts to take the bus that won’t bring me directly to my front door, meaning that I get at least a short walk during the day.

But areas for improvement are many: my physical activity is still too low, I still have unopened exercise DVDs that need to be used to be effective, I don’t get anywhere near 10 servings of vegetables each day, and I am lacking in whole grain and fibre intake. And it’ll come as no surprise to you that my candy consumption remains high (my biggest struggle).

I booked my annual physical exam yesterday; it’s six weeks away. I am a praying girl so I will be praying that the small changes I’ve made will result in good readings all around, just like last time, and maybe even better results if I’m diligent.

My challenges can be summarized in the following: I need to eat less sugar and exercise more often, with a goal of making both of these actions into habits. Emma provided me with some great links on going sugar free, and I need to give them a good read and see if those tactics could work for me. I need to stop setting myself up for failure by keeping a wide assortment of cookies, candies and baked goods in the house, like a squirrel storing up nuts for the winter, and instead allow my need for them to dictate whether I’ll drag my butt out in the freezing cold to get a bag of skittles. I need to stop letting my attempts to exercise stop in the thought stage and embrace the “I’ll try it for 5 minutes and if I still don’t feel like doing it I’ll stop” attitude.

It’s worth a real try.

(Those of you who have read similar entries are rolling your eyes and saying “This again?”, but this is part of my journey to a healthy weight. I am not one of those people who can say “I am going to lose 100lbs”, and week after week report that I’m well on my way. I am the girl who has to constantly remind herself that she needs to start somewhere before actually taking that first step. I am the girl who will take many first steps but move backwards before she actually moves ahead. And that’s ok.)

One thing that the Olympics have reminded me of is that we all have a story. It’s easy to forget that some of these incredible athletes are humans with pesky younger siblings too. When you see attractive, fit athletes posing for pictures and beaming, it’s easy to think that their road to this success has been relatively smooth.

But as Canada has introduced us to its medal hopefuls, we’ve met people like Alexandre Bilodeau, who won the first gold medal that Canada has ever won on home soil, whose story of the strength that he has drawn from his older brother who has cerebral palsy brought me to tears on more than one occasion. And more recently, hearing of the passing of Joannie Rochette’s mother upon her arrival in Vancouver to watch her daughter compete, and hearing that Joannie has decided to compete as it’s what her mother would have wanted, really touched me. These are the more striking stories, but there is no athlete that has been featured on the many many news reports whose life doesn’t have an interesting tidbit to share with the world.

And it’s true of us all. We may never win a medal or get on television, but that doesn’t diminish the value of our lives and the stories that we have. For at least a decade, my father has been saying that he’s going to write his story. I have actually always thought my parents have an amazing story so it’ll be my honour to be part of that process. I may even spearhead it!

We immigrated to Canada and I vaguely remember coming to a new country and all that involved. I think that’s why this Tim Horton’s commercial is so touching to me.

There is a lot more Olympics viewing in my future this week and I’m looking forward to catching the ice dancing finals and even some hockey. I know: I don’t recognize me either!

But even loud, abrasive girls named Jummy have their stumbling blocks, and mine seems to be Professionals, especially ones with a degree or certification in something I feel I know nothing about. If you are a financial planner or lawyer, for example, I will defer to you in those matters. You won’t hear a peep out of me regarding what I think is best, even though it’s my money or future that is at stake: I will trust your judgement. Basically Professionals stun me into silence, leaving me only capable of nodding or making other gestures of agreement when faced with suggestions.

In the case of the real estate agent, I thankfully snapped out of what felt like an abusive relationship, and came out otherwise unscathed. By this time tomorrow I’ll be out of a month’s worth of lunch money for the sake of a legal consultation, but all may not be lost as there is still a chance that I’ll also get the information I need. I handled the situation without finesse and wasn’t in control, even though I am the paying customer and should be the one holding the clout. I allowed myself to crumple in response to a guilt trip and subtle intimidation. I need more confidence when dealing with these people, and I need to stop acting like I’m brain-dead in certain areas, just because I don’t have a degree or certificate on the topic. The minute I start asking friends or colleagues for advice on a certain matter is usually when I know I’ve made a misstep along the way.

This is a definite stumbling block in my maturity as an adult.

(Oh, I got myself my iron pills and I’ve popped them! I’m practically not a procrastinator anymore!)

I’m exhausted. I fall asleep within 30 seconds of my head hitting the pillow. I’m also out of my iron pills (I think there a correlation). I am really looking forward to this long weekend (thank God for Family Day).

Similarly when someone in the family says something unbelievable and we want to confirm that it is in fact a truth and not a lie, we will ask “Trusting Gods?” This one makes me laugh when I think of what we’re actually saying because it makes no real sense. I mean we are a Christian household so perhaps we’re trying to say “If you trust in God you wouldn’t lie to me”? I have no idea how it developed but that is definitely our version of “For real?” or “Are you serious?”

We are an odd bunch, from my dad, who is the king of made up words, to my mom who has cute turns of phrase like “I bursted into cry” instead of “I burst into tears” (likely due to the fact that English is not her first language).

What expressions or traditions does your family use or have that would seem weird to an outsider?

A couple of commenters were surprised that a guy I hadn’t met in person would invite me to his wedding but now that I have had time to think about it, I should tell you that we had been “getting to know each other” for a while. I feel horrid that I don’t remember exactly how long we talked for but to say it was around a year (I don’t think it was longer than that), and we spoke on the phone at least weekly. He was sweet: he sent me roses twice, once with a cute stuffed bear and once with chocolates, and there is little bad that I can say about him except that I didn’t think we were well suited because I was fat (and taller) than his super slim self (I know, it’s me, allllll me, because he wasn’t bothered by it), and I wanted him to ask me more questions about me and get to know me in the way I wanted him to get to know me, and I felt he wasn’t delivering on that front. Oh the coolest part was we had the same last name! I actually came across him online, thought he was related and contacted him and that’s how we met in the first place. Although we don’t think we’re related, he thought it would be cool if I came to represent the people with our last name.

Also, it’s not uncommon for a Nigerian bride or groom getting married to have complete strangers show up at their wedding (sort of like wedding crashing), so I might have more of a claim of knowing the couple than others who might attend the wedding (not that I have made plans to attend the wedding).

Anyway, I felt bad about the way I portrayed him, so I wanted to clear that up. I still am not sure about the motive of the phone call though; perhaps I have grown suspicious of perfectly pure motives in my 30s.

In that last entry I also mentioned that I seem to collect young Nigerian men like I used to collect coupons to the Michaels craft store. It’s really strange but Nigerian men between the ages of 19 and 27 seem to be drawn to me, not as that sexy older woman who fuels all of their fantasies but as a friend.

Of the following five young Nigerian men I am friends with, I met two through an online forum and three through my “Nigerian” blog. We just clicked, and developed a rapport that is effortless, falling into a teasing older sister-younger brother thing with ease. I am the girl they can tell anything to it seems, or seek advice from or bounce things off of. I’m not saying I’m the only person they can do this with but it seems to be the role I’m destined to play in their life.

J is 26 or 27, lives in Nigeria and I’ve known him for almost five years. A few years ago I sent him a wee care package, inconveniencing one of my cousins to get it to him. She was probably wondering why she had never received anything from me yet this guy was getting something. There’s something very sweet about this guy and I just have the softest spot for him. Gone are the days when I’d tell him to focus on school and his career and save running after women for a while longer, because he has a girlfriend now and I wouldn’t be surprised to hear of his engagement soon.

A is in the US and reminds me the most of my relationship with my brothers, especially Brother #1. I sometimes get frustrated talking to him, but he’s gone through some things and he’s someone I’ll always want the best for. He has a tough guy exterior that hides a good person with a good heart full of good intentions. In some ways he’s the perfect blend of my two brothers.

S is also in Nigeria and is in the 25-27 year range. He charmed me with his enthusiastic first email saying that he wanted us to be friends. I misread his genuine enthusiasm and thought he wanted a piece of me and responded in a way that indicated that. I laugh now at my misguided self confidence, with me being all “You can’t have the Jummy” and he being all “I don’t want the Jummy; get over yourself woman!” His candor in explaining that he had a girlfriend and truly just wanted to be friends made me think he was so cool and I developed an instant crush on his soul. I was charmed by the way he communicated. He’s a computer geek which only increases his appeal.

T is in the 19-22 age range and he’s charming. He lives in France so I practice written French with him. We’ve discussed some pretty serious things and he has a fantastic memory which means I have to be honest with him, lest he catch me in a white lie!

K is a day away from turning 24 and he’s in Bulgaria studying medicine. He contacted me regarding a blog entry I had written elsewhere and wanted some advice for his own situation and now we’re buddies. He’s the one that I have the most teasing, lowkey, effortless rapport with; he’s such a kid.

And this week, another young Nigerian guy contacted me regarding something I had blogged about elsewhere and it’s looking like this will go in the direction the others have gone. I think I need a seventh guy who gives me that playful vibe I can’t get enough of, has the ability to charm me and who doesn’t give me that “older sister” vibe!

The day of our meeting, we were talking on msn and for whatever reason I asked him if everything on his profile was true. He said yes, that he would explain at our meeting. I thought nothing of it, because to be honest I don’t know why I even asked the question.

We met at a coffee shop that appeared to accept debit, but we found out later that it only accepts Mastercard. We ended up going for lunch at a well-known sandwich shop next door. As we ate we talked a bit (the usual pleasantries) and after finishing my sandwich I told him that he was not the age he claimed to be, 33. I told him he was older. He smiled and teasingly said that I was free to believe what I wanted. I replied that it was not merely that I thought he was older, I was convinced he had misrepresented his age. After a while he admitted he was in fact 36. I was not impressed, especially since my profile says that men up to the age of 37 can contact me. A day or so after the date we spoke on the phone for about 45 minutes and his explanation as to why he lied about his age (an inside joke between him and a previous contact on the dating site) just sounded ridiculous to me. I felt like if he could lie about this, he could lie about anything. I poured on the guilt, telling him how it was a big deal for me to be totally honest about my size in the written part of my profile, and to put up pictures that accurately reflected my size, and I felt that people should be honest in their profiles.

I hesitated to see him again, but a colleague suggested I give it a chance and see if I could get past the lie. I went into the second date certain the first words out of my mouth would be “LIAR!”, accompanied with my right index finger pointing at him, but I actually had a decent time on the date. We talked about general topics and I felt like he was someone who would accept me more or less as I am (good) but there wasn’t any sizzle or spark on my side.

So after a couple of weeks of sending text messages back and forth, we spoke on the phone and I told him that I didn’t feel the way I should feel about someone I wanted to get to know. I never felt like sending him a text message to see how he was doing; I was content to respond to his text messages. He told me I was resistant to his efforts for us to meet up and get to know each other better and he was right. I’m still trying to figure out why I was resistant: is it because I sort of like another guy who lives far far away or was I just not that into him? We haven’t been in contact in a week and I don’t miss talking to him, it’s more that I miss him not contacting me. Oh, the contrariness of women named Jummy!

And to make things more interesting, one of the guys I never dated sent me a text message completely out of the blue. We hadn’t talked in a while and he asked if he could call me. A number of years ago, I had inadvertently broken his heart. The thought that I could have done such a thing to anyone is unbelievable to me, but I felt like he and I were not well suited for each other so I told him that we should stop our regular communication. Like most men I have almost dated, he was unable to fulfill my desire for a man who shows me unequivocally that he burns to know everything about me. Maybe he (and others) did want to know all about me, but I wanted to them to express this desire in ways that I would recognize: by asking me questions, recalling things that I said to them in the past at appropriate times, or asking me more about my blogs (or trying to find my blogs) after learning I was a blogger. So calling me twice daily wasn’t good enough, though to the guy he probably thought that was a sign of his devotion. Anyway, I don’t regret not dating this guy.

Long story short, I jokingly/seriously asked if he wanted to call to ask me to be his maid of honour and tonight I found out that he is getting married and wanted to catch up with me and invite me to the wedding! Since we quite literally had not spoken on the phone for over four years and have never met in person, is it bad that a small part of me suspects he called (and is inviting me to the wedding) to make sure I know he’s done well for himself? Maybe I feel this way because I wouldn’t have called him to tell him of my impending nuptials. I’d expect him to see pictures on facebook and come to his own conclusions because that’s how it’s done these days!

Anyway, aside from these two events and my strong rapport with young Nigerian men (more on that later), not much is happening with me.

On my mind this past week:

Poisonous folk
In my life these tend to be women, and they seem to go out of their way to say something to make me feel bad, either about myself or about a situation. These women are masters of the backhanded compliment. I am a generally positive person, meaning I try to look at the bright side (though I will blog when I’m feeling bad or blue). Unfortunately, I also have a very expressive face, so if you say something meant to make me feel bad, you will see that on my face, even if only for a moment, before I put a positive spin on it. But it’s sad that there are people out there who enjoy doing that. I’m not trying to be deliberately vague but it would serve no purpose to name names. If you feel like you have a tendency to be like this, I’d encourage you to work on it!

Thankfully I know some really positive people who have the opposite outlook on life…they know who they are!

Generosity
I want to be more generous, and I know I’ve probably mentioned it before. I want to be the kind of person who gives for no reason. I’m happy to say I have the whole “giving without expecting anything in return” bit down pat, but I need to GIVE MORE and DO MORE. My dad always says that sharing is really sharing when you don’t have enough: if you have a dozen cookies and you give someone a few of them, great, you are sharing, but when it’s one cookie and you’re both hungry and you split it, that’s a bit more meaningful because in the first case, you’re giving out of your excess, while in the second you’re genuinely inconveniencing yourself. Both are still sharing, but I would be more touched by someone sharing when it’s not comfortable or convenient for them to do so. I am looking for opportunities to brighten someone’s day by showing generosity; it doesn’t have to be monetarily or with material goods.

(While we’re on the topic, please consider giving to support the Haiti relief and rescue efforts.)

Communication
I don’t seem to want to talk on the phone as much as I used to. It will always be a main mode of communication for me (well, until people can start reading my thoughts), but it takes me a good week or two to either make a call or return a call, which is not like me at all. I don’t know why this has changed, or what I’m doing instead of calling, but this seems to be a new me. I did recently get a most heinous phone bill ($133 and some change, when my usual bill is $60) and I was grumpy about that for a good day, but I don’t think that’s the reason I’m suddenly phone-averse. Maybe 2010 is meant to be the year of a quieter Jummy?

I have a friend who I just have to think about calling and she calls me. It’s such a fool proof method that I have to be careful how I use these super powers I possess.

It’s a random kind of day. I have a dozen errands to run but I’m tempted to hop back in bed instead. I have a KitchenAid stand mixer that wants to be christened too (so I can return it if it fails to make my every dream come true) and library books to return. I better git!