That is why I think it is so important to post pictures on dating profiles, especially if you are a larger person. In the past, I have gone the extra mile and shared pictures of me beside friends who are not plus size with potential beaus to avoid the possibility of him seeing pictures of me and somehow imagining away 50lbs of my bulk between his viewing of the picture and our meeting. Isolated pictures of a large person who happens to “carry her weight well” can be deceiving.

While I know my weight is possibly a significant factor in why I have so skillfully (hah!) eluded marriage, the thought of seeing a guy’s eyes express his dismay when he beholds me is something I’d like to avoid if I can. This is why I have always hoped that I’d be asked out in scenarios normal women face regularly (or in the movies): at a mutual friend’s party, while in a mall, at work, or at a festival, anywhere, because then after he has asked for a date I wouldn’t have to ask myself “What if he thinks I’m bigger than he expected?” because he would have already seen me.

But since that wasn’t happening, I went online, and I put up my usual “real” picture. But this time around I also put up some flattering pictures:

If I can be allowed a vain moment, I look unusually good (for me) in this picture: I don’t look as large as I am, my arms don’t look as jiggly as they are, I’m not wearing my crooked glasses, and the expression and pose turned out rather cute. I didn’t actually wear those shoes out (this was December 31, 2008) as I would have likely cracked my head open, slipping on snow and ice, and I kept my shrug on most of the evening because it was FREAKING COLD that December night, but the above is a flattering picture of Jummy, showing a side of her even she had never seen before (causing her to speak about herself in the third person).

Another picture from that magical evening:

Prior to my date with the first guy I met through the site, I reminded him of my weight, made sure he was aware that I had selected “Big and Tall/BBW” as my body type (for a reason) and then video chatted with him to ensure he saw me the way I was. When we met he told me I wasn’t as big as he expected, which I didn’t know how to take. The good news is that I could tell that my size did not seem to have a negative effect on his perception of me and he has been calling, seemingly interested in another date and in getting to know one another better.

I have a date coming up in a couple of days with a different guy, and I spoke to him on the phone for the first time tonight. He’s completely charmed by my online persona and writing skills, my voice and my pictures and it’s the latter that scares me, naturally (because I can be charming online and by phone). I told him the same thing I told the previous guy regarding my size but his response was that he doesn’t put too much stock in someone’s size. Most guys say something to this effect, but I still get scared that they’re expecting one of those girls who says she’s fat because she can’t fit into an article of clothing with a single digit, or says she’s fat so he can say otherwise.

On the very few dates I have gone on, I sit there, waiting for the guy to show his disgust for me because of my size and it doesn’t happen. Or I wait for him to send me a message post-date, indicating that while the date was fun, he doesn’t think he could deal with such an ample woman. This probably doesn’t happen because men are wimps who are too scared to tell the truth. However, a trip down memory lane reveals that I turned down one guy because he made me feel huge because he was so tiny (height and width), I turned down another taller but very slim guy because I didn’t think I could avoid looking like anything but his mother beside him, and a couple of weeks ago, I stopped talking to a “potential” because I thought he would be dwarfed by my sheer size (I told him). He didn’t appreciate me pointing that out. It’s hard to imagine but so far my experience has shown me that I have a bigger problem with my size than any guy who makes the effort to get to know me, and maybe my pictures and profile descriptions are doing their job. I’m having a hard time believing that, and still waiting to see the overt rejection based on my size.

Since my mortgage payments will be starting soon (please God, please; also: more on this later), I need to look for opportunities to save money and this is an obvious one. I was looking forward to canceling my membership two days ago, but there was nobody at the gym with the authority to get things in motion. It was so disappointing. I managed to get it done yesterday.

For someone who has wanted to lose weight for a solid 18 years, canceling a gym membership seems counterintuitive, because without a membership, the chance that I’ll act on the urge to work out and head to the gym is much reduced. However, there are things I can do without a gym membership: walking is obvious, or perhaps running again. Also, my problem isn’t physical activity (though it is in desperate need of being increased, don’t get me wrong) so much as the quantity of unhealthy food that rhymes with ‘candy’ that I consume daily.

Another thing that will help is being carless. Although I don’t have an automobile, my parents had generously allowed me to use their second car while I got settled (and got most of my belongings moved). I think we originally thought within two weeks I’d return the car. Well nearly three months later, the ability to hop in “my” car when I felt like it has come to an end. It seems my brothers and sister need to practice their driving skills with it (seeing as that was the original purpose of the second car).

Having full access to the car made me lazier: for the last month I have been driving the car to the bus station and taking the bus from there because that meant I could sleep in a few more minutes. And on the way home I’d stop for groceries, when some of the stores are within walking distance of my house.

On a funny note, I need a scale and every time I go to Walmart to buy one, I end up picking up candy too. The shame of coming to the cash carrying both has made me return the former to its location twice now. Let’s hope there won’t be a third time.