Most of all, I’ve found myself feeling grateful that I found the book at this age and not ten years from now. It honestly feels like how you’d feel if you went to the doctor for your annual physical and the doctor said “Hey, I have this neat little gadget here that spots the fatal sort of brain aneurysm months ahead of current technology. I know you’re not at all at risk but for fun, can I try it on you? I’m just too excited to wait for a more at-risk patient to come in.” You know where I’m going with this…the doctor uses the gadget and you find out that the gadget just saved your life. Dramatic, of course, but that’s my style, isn’t it?

The book is not telling women to settle, but it’s telling women to be realistic. A friend that I was gushing to online asked me to share just one thing I had learned and this is how that went:

Me:
just everything
our sense of entitlement
the fact that we see our “quirks” as cute and the fact that we’re the ones saying “hell no!” to guys as a sign that we’re fine the way we are and they are the ones who are flawed
when really they are just less picky than we are

She:
wow
guilty

That snippet probably doesn’t make sense (we might have our own way of communicating?) but I have noticed through reading this book that I have a sense of entitlement, at least in small measure. I don’t have a lot of body confidence but I know that I am a great human being. I’m not better than all my friends who are married but I know that I am not worse than them, meaning they are not married because they are better than me. I’m nice (most of the time), sometimes kind, very eager and willing to help, sometimes funny. I have family values and I was raised right. I don’t think I have a lot of obvious deal breakers. On the flip side, I know I’m unreasonable and bossy and set in my ways and somewhat used to getting my own way with some people, but deep down I see those as “cute quirks”, “part of what makes me me“, “take it or leave it” things, and I expect family and friends to do just that (of course they take it). And I see them taking it as proof that it’s not really that bad/bothersome to them…when really my loved ones probably just realize that a few ‘imperfections’ isn’t reason to toss the whole person.

But when it comes to guys, their less than wonderful traits or personality oddities aren’t seen as “cute quirks” by me…ever. I see them as huge gaping flaws that cannot be accepted because well, I can do better than a guy who doesn’t carry a wallet or who has a high-pitched voice. See what I mean by sense of entitlement? Instead of giving guys the same benefit of the doubt that my loved ones give me, I automatically discard them and scream “Next!”

(This may seem like I’ve suddenly lost all sense of being selective and having standards, but I assure you I haven’t. The book itself, despite its title, does not advocate putting up with someone you feel like you’re settling for, it’s more about looking at yourself and making sure that you’re not being unreasonable about what you expect because of an over-inflated sense of how fantastic you are.

The other thing that is hard to get used to is the idea of giving people more than one or two dates to grab your attention. A date that’s bland or boring doesn’t always mean the person cannot ever be your type. When friends have told me in the past that “Maybe he was just nervous/Maybe he doesn’t do well on first dates/Maybe you didn’t see his true self”, I thought they were telling me to settle. But going on a second date with someone who didn’t wow me on Date #1 isn’t settling, it’s being reasonable and accepting of the fact that we are freaking humans.)

I’m just past halfway through the book and when I’m finished I’m going to read/skim it again, making sure I note all the parts that will be easy to forget if I get asked out by a lackluster fellow and I’m tempted to be insulted by it.

A colleague bought the book and we’re kind of reading the book together, and sharing parts that have struck us. She suggested I share passages that impacted me and sort of give my interpretation or relate them to my life, and that is what you have to look forward to here for the next little while.

I was watching a show on hoarding last night, and this reasonably attractive guy in his mid 40s brought his girlfriend to his home for the first time. His home was in shambles. This woman appeared to be in her 40s as well, she was well dressed, owned her own home and was clearly well off. She wanted a man but didn’t need him to give her the kind of life (at least from a financial sense) that she wanted. After seeing how he lived, she decided he had serious issues and it was best to cut her losses.

I definitely think it’s her decision to make, and since I didn’t watch the show from the start, I don’t know if they had been dating for two weeks, months or years. What I do know is the following statement she made elicited a response from me that the pre-Gottlieb Jummy would not have recognized. She said “He isn’t going to change and I’m not going to accept that in my life.” Pre-Gottlieb Jummy would have cheered at the last half of that statement.

But the new me seems more sympathetic. The man is on this show, and as far as I can tell, he wasn’t nominated. He knows he has a problem and has made at least a feeble step toward getting help for it. The “new” me, in the same situation, especially if we had been dating for a while, would give the guy a reasonable time to change, and be willing to work it out before tossing the guy. If he can’t change, I know I would not be able to accept the condition of the house, but I would give him a chance.

Giving men a second chance? I almost don’t recognize myself!

The thing with this book is everyone who has read it says the same thing: it contains commonsense information that you already know (though you sometimes push that knowledge deep down and pretend you don’t know it) and even though you do know it, sometimes you need to “hear” it again, you know, just as a friendly reminder.

I’m only on the third of 16 (short, quick and easy-to-read) chapters, but so far I am enjoying it. I have to admit, I didn’t really think the book would serve any purpose to me other than to provide me with catchy phrases to toss at my single girlfriends who are actually dating, because my experience with dating is more of the “in my head alone” variety. But guess what? I have seen snapshots of myself in the examples given. It shouldn’t surprise me, though, since I’m much better at giving others advice than following my own advice. Even though I keep my worries about what a guy’s actions could mean to a few close friends (except for when I share them here), this book reminded me that I do some if not all of those things that I really should not be wasting my time on when I know that he’s just not that into me.

There is something extremely liberating about saying (after a guy doesn’t call when he said he would, or doesn’t email back when you thought he would): “He’s just not that into me.” By saying it, you’ve given yourself all you need to move on to someone who is not only deserving of you but someone who is also into you, who doesn’t make you doubt this very essential part of a loving relationship. I know, that sounds very “Rah rah women!” and “Independent women!” but it’s also just true.

The movie by the same title is out, and I think it’ll be great to see how they bring the contents of the book to life, especially since it’s more self-help book than fiction, but also because I have been asking anyone who mentions the movie “But how can they make a self-help book into a movie? How???“) and I’d sure love to know the answer to that question.

I’ve got love on the brain it would seem, but in a different way from usual. A friend of mine knows I’ll be going to what may be a swanky-ish party on the weekend, and she asked if I’d please show some skin. Some cleavage. Not for her but for the menfolk. We argued quite furiously for a while: I personally think cleavage on…ample…women is ostentatious, and I just like to avoid it if I can (and I always can). I think it’s hard to make it look tasteful and classy on a woman like me instead of eliciting reactions of “Oh my gosh her shirt has split open from the force of what it was trying to contain and we can see down to her navel (well, we would be able to if her belly weren’t hiding it)!”

Friend claims that cleavage on “blessed” women can look good, no matter her size and the belly that I was complaining about wouldn’t even be seen if I had some eye catching cleavage showing to “dazzle the eye”, so to speak.

We both held tightly to our points of view, until she sent me this link (it’s a long read but some singles might find it interesting). I read the words “Men are attracted by the physical, but marry character” and combined it with the following that appears a little further down:”If you reach 30 and want to get married, you have to make finding a husband a primary goal. Once your friends start getting married, they are less likely to have an active social life with you. Don’t be the last one off the bus!” which made me simultaneously laugh and whimper in fear because I totally see it already: none of my close friends (except for my sister are single, and even she isn’t completely single) and the amount of socializing I do that has even a 1% chance of me meeting a potential mate is ZERO. Very few parties thrown by friends include single “friends of friends”, and even if I were to throw a party I don’t really have any single friends to invite to get a-mingling (while hoping they’ll bring their single and hopefully eligible male friends)! I am officially the last one on the bus (but don’t cry for me, Argentina, for I am a drama queen)!

Combining those two events, the day had me fluctuating between “bodacious babe who is worthy of the devotion and attention of a good man and who will settle for no less” to “bodacious babe who is worthy of the devotion and attention of a good man and who will settle for no less but will have a hard time finding him since she’s slowly but surely shutting all the channels that could lead to her meeting him, including but not limited to: being in good physical shape, making finding a man a priority (which includes working at it), being self confident, putting effort into looking her best, and going out on Friday and Saturday nights, when other singles go out”.

Gotta love life!

The next time I went to the States a month or so later, I bought the book, but knowing what an avid book reader my friend’s husband is, and how eager he was to procreate, I figured I’d ask casually if they already had the book and of course her husband had bought it a couple of weeks after their pregnancy was confirmed. So now I have a copy of this book and you’d think that I’d have cracked it open and read up on what my friend is going through, but I haven’t. Because of this I’m learning a lot of things that I didn’t know from my friend. For example, I had (and still have) no concept of how big babies are when you’re one, two, four, six months along. I had no idea that babies so small could kick. My mind was truly boggled that such a tiny thing had developed certain physical features so early on. I’d crack open the book and get more detail but I feel a bit superstitious about doing so, like learning all about pregnancy is something reserved for the pregnant alone.

But books on looking for love are right up my alley and I’m devouring them. I’m currently reading Secrets of a Fix-Up Fanatic: How to Meet and Marry Your Match. Before that I read Why Mr. Right Can’t Find You and Not Tonight, Mr. Right. So far I’ve found things to take away from each book, and had some beliefs of mine stirred up, and others confirmed. The challenge will come when I actually try to implement some of the things in the books, in particular the one I’m currently reading. It’s very convenient that some of the goals that I have for myself align quite well with things that will improve my chances of meeting a good guy.

So, I’ve been reading about finding love and feeling generally optimistic about the process, even though my online attempts (very tentative ineffective that they were) haven’t been fruitful. I’ve also been wondering if I’ll be planning a baby shower in the near future. I think the baby shower is something that’s more up to the mom than the friend but I could be wrong about that since I’ve seen both mothers and good friends host/throw such an event. Maybe I’m just trying to get out of it!

I read Better Single Than Sorry and that book reinforced my decision that I’d rather remain single than be in a relationship that does nothing for me. I already knew that before but it was nice to hear if from someone who is considered “a catch”, at least on paper: slim, blonde-ish, smart, etc. If she is single because she hasn’t found someone worthy and I am single because I haven’t found someone worthy, we’re both in the same boat, no matter that she’s slimmer/more attractive/more confident than I.

I moved on to Life Doesn’t Begin Five Pounds From Now for obvious reasons (we could replace 5 with 105 for me but let’s not quibble). (My) weight has always been an issue to me, and I have let it control what I can and can’t do. From what I think I can wear, to what activities I can do, to whether or not I can date, my weight has always been an important determining factor. As I’ve gotten older, the ridiculousness of my rules has hit me, and this book was sort of like having a friend reinforce what you suspect and pretty much believe, but aren’t 100% sure you’re correct about. This book was all about banishing what the author called the Language of Fat from your vocabulary, and how when you say “I feel fat” or make any comment about your weight, you’re likely using this language instead of expressing other emotions such as “I’m nervous about this date/job interview/upcoming operation” or “I want love and validation”. It’s not a fat acceptance book but a kick in the pants to stop allowing weight to limit you from doing anything you want to do.

I’m currently reading Not Tonight Mr. Right (I’m itching to add a comma to that), a hilarious book by a Brit. The book’s premise is that if you wait before having sex, the quality of your relationship will be much better. For those who have no intention of waiting for marriage before having sex with their partner, she suggests waiting six months before having sex. She also talks about those who wait until they’re engaged or married before having sex. Before you write her off, I’d recommend you read her book. She answers a lot of questions you may have about the logistics of making this happen. If a particular question pops into your head I can look up her answer and get back to you. I’m not yet finished this book but so far I’m enjoying it, and laughing up a storm while reading it.

What are you reading? Does your reading often have themes (like a chick-lit theme, or self improvement, or non-fiction, etc)?

• I subscribe to one magazine (and save 72% off the cover price, or something like that according to the ad they used to lure me);
• I subscribe to another magazine that I paid for with my Shopper’s Optimum points (you know, the points program that got me a whole bunch of stuff?);
• I buy all other magazines only at Wal*Mart, where I used to save 10% (Every day!) but now get to pay the US price (yay!); or
• I use my 40% or 50% off Michaels coupon to buy a magazine.

My savings range from 40 cents to a couple of dollars per magazine, but as long as I stay true to my goal of not paying full price, I’m happy.

Lately, I can’t step into a store without buying a magazine because of all the Christmas-related themes and ideas on the fronts of those green and red covers. I’m always drawn in by any magazine that promises to offer me 50 gifts under $50, including gifts for the most difficult person on my list. I love finding new cookie recipes (even though most years I can’t manage to bake even one batch of cookies from an old recipe!) and who can resist the fashion ideas for holiday parties, tips for entertaining and suggestions for fun things you can do with your family during the season? Throw in one or two heartwarming stories and lots of coupons (the Body Shop! Christmas cards!) and I’m a happy girl.

Now I just have to find time to read them. I read every magazine cover to cover, and I hate jumping around, so even if I buy a magazine because of the story on how to lose 50lbs and meet the man of my dreams, and that story happens to be on page 219, I’ll happily lose myself in all the preliminary pages, even the ones that aren’t applicable (warnings about how to prevent my child from coming down with colds this winter season or lies that people believe about hormone replacement therapy). I like building up the anticipation for the feature I guess. Lately, my magazine overload has had me jumping from magazine to magazine so I’m about 1/5 through three of the magazines. My goal is to get some quality reading done on Saturday on our way to the US to load up on Black Friday deals.

What is your magazine style? Which magazines do you buy and how do you read them?

Today we were the victims of such an act.

My mother went to work this morning and a couple of hours later, my brother, who was at home, received a phone call from some policemen who were at our door [his room is in the basement and the nature of our house is such that the basement is soundproof and you cannot hear a thing once you descend to those depths of the house].  When the cops realized that somebody was at home, they asked him to come to the door.  He asked why there were there and they said they’d rather tell him in person which of course got my brother all nervous, and he ran to the top floor of our house to welcome in two serious-looking cops.  They asked if someone driving a blue minivan with [our license plate] had filled up gas at a local gas station and then left without paying. 

This was puzzling because if someone had in fact done this, it would have had to be my mother, since she drives the van 100% of the time during the week and in all the times I’ve been to a gas station with her, I’ve never known her to forget to pay.  As my brother was recounting the story to me, my heart had pretty much froze after he said “two cops came to the door asking about the van” because I assumed something had happened to my dear, cute mother.  Thank God that was not the case.

Instead we discovered that our van had been stolen.

Stolen.  Somebody walked onto a parking lot, spied an automobile that was not theirs, and felt completely justified to take it and drive off.  I cannot believe it.

What I later found out was that after my brother relayed the message from the policemen to our mother, she confirmed that she hadn’t gone to fill up the gas tank and thought that somebody in the family must have taken the car from the parking lot for a fill up as we were nearly out of gas.  She quicky rejected that idea because a) my father, who usually takes the bus to work, had taken the other car with him and b) I don’t have a keys to the van [and my other siblings do not drive].  Following a hunch, she left work and went to the parking lot and it was then that she discovered that the car was gone.

And that is when her calls to the police, the automobile insurance people, and my sister and I began.

My mom is quite attached to our dear, almost-12 year old van.  Clearly it isn’t worth a lot monetarily, but it means a lot to my parents.  It was the first and only new car they have ever bought in their lives and the car saw the family through many trips to sporting events for my brothers, Nigerian parties, camping with family, visits to friends in the province and also an unforgettable trip to Florida where the van’s transmission had the audacity to die on us.  My mom, a huge football fan, had placed an Ottawa Renegades [the team is now defunct] sticker on the back of the van and it was how we would recognize our van from all the other vans like it, and during hockey season my mom proudly attaches her Ottawa Senators flag to the van. The van has been good to us and really it’s the only conveyance that comfortably seats all six of us.  Also my mom had some casettes in that car and other things that have a sentimental value to her [and ties to Nigeria for her] and I know she’ll be quite sad if she never recovers those items.

But still, there are some bright sides to the story.  The most obvious is that thank God no one in the family was injured during the taking of the car, and that my mom didn’t happen to stumble across the thief(ves) while s/he/they were taking the car.  Also, my mom had wanted to fill up the gas yesterday but for some reason she decided not to.  If the tank hadn’t been that close to empty, we wouldn’t have disocvered that the van was missing until the end of the day.  We can only hope that the gas station’s cameras got a good image of who could have stolen our van.

So now we’re down to one car that is built for five people, not six.  It’s a good thing the spring weather is upon us because I think we may be investing in a roof rack for a slender family member soon.

[not a WG entry but there are some nice words in there, no?]

Speaking of money and bank accounts that are on a diet, I would like to make more money.  Isn’t that completely vulgar of me to admit?  I am not destitute but I would like to feel more comfortable.  I would like to put aside the money I need for a downpayment on a house.  I would like to get a car by my birthday.  I would like to be able to do things for my family and not have to take out loans to do them. 

To that end, I’ve been thinking seriously about how wonderful it would be to make a little money in a way that didn’t involve me peddling clothing to women 12-15 hours a week, something that I could do while seated in a comfy computer chair [note to self:  get comfy computer chair] and sipping some red wine [dear self:  please acquire a taste for wine].  There is one very obvious option [get a paying blogging/writing gig!] and I’m not sure how to go about exploring it or if it’s even something I could do.  First off, the arena of talented writers isn’t one that I can see myself joining.  I can write informative and practical articles [and I do!  For an online magazine!  I don't know if I've ever mentioned that I write for MIMI magazine, an online magazine for African women.  I only just started and have written three articles.  I was surprised that they accepted my application to write, even though it's a non-paying gig because they have quite a high calibre of writing represented in the magazine] but it’s not the same as Those Writers.  You know those writers who write and you laugh until your sides hurt?  Or you cry because you can relate to what they’ve written or you feel their pain? Or the ones who stir you to change some aspect of your life?  Or make the world a happier place?  That isn’t me.  And even if  I’m someone who can pump out the occasional funny entry, it isn’t anything that hasn’t already been done.  How does one stand out?  I have no idea.

Another money making scheme is to develop my web design skills to a point that I can provide extremely affordable [and simple] designs for those who are less adept than I.  Guess what?  I don’t know anyone less adept!  I could possibly sell my sister a blog design but she has neither computer nor interest in having a weblog.  I’m sure even she would demand her money back after seeing what I can do.  But if I wasn’t peddling clothing perhaps I’d have more time to work on learning webdesgn.  Or lounging around eating bon bons.  It’s a nice theory anyway.

So, I’ve decided on the following manifesto for money making:

I, Jummy, will explore each of the aforementioned avenues for making money using my thus unexplored [and unverified] God-given talents.  I don’t know if it’ll lead anywhere but I’ll give it a good shot and at the end of the year if it turns out that selling clothing is the best way for me to save enough to Have A Future, then so be it.  It will not be said that Jummy didn’t try. 

I’ll give myself until the end of the year to give each of these possiblities a honest attempt.

I’m beyond welcome to any other legal schemes to make a bit of dough and allow me to laze about, so speak up!

Well now that I’ve brought my semantics woe out in the open, it’s time to share some good news:  I finally got my driver’s license!  Second time was the charm, although I thought I had failed.  I counted five [small, apparently] errors that I made, and I think my saving grace was that after each one I’d tell the examiner right away what I would and should have done to fix it so she knew I knew what to do, and wasn’t just clueless.  I was far more nervous about this test than the first; my heart was pounding through the entire test.  It was almost twice as long too:  I think she was giving me an opportunity to redeem myself.

She was far friendlier than the first guy, and I’m not just saying that because he failed me.  She greeted my cute mom and then said hi to me, asked me how I was doing and was more laid back and friendly at the beginning.  But once we started driving she was all business.

I’m very happy am grateful to GOD for helping me out.  I was sure I had failed it.

Instead, I prefer to visit the local library.  They have made the whole idea of borrowing books even more fun [bear with me] because all the libraries in the region are connected, they transfer books to any library you want and you can also borrow cds and dvds.  And of course everything can be done online, including renewals and such.

They even give you a call (if you sign up for that feature), informing you when your library books are in.  If they’d only get an email notification service too, they’d be set.

I go to the library that is approximately a five minute walk from my work 2-3 times a week, mostly to pick up books that someone has been running around the Ottawa area finding for me. 

I’m usually the most dilligent renewer because I hate paying the overdue fines.

But right now, I’ve reached an all time high in overdue charges:  $5!  Oh woe is me. :)

I still have two books out that I have to find which will bring my total to a whopping $7 [50 cents per day per book adds up fast].

It’s still cheaper than buying the book though!

I finished this book last night and I found it a practical guide to putting yourself in a position to find a partner.  That sounds passive:  you actually will be doing your part to ensuring that you end up with the right person for you.

He makes the disclaimer that he is not saying that you need a significant other in order to be happy but he is assuming that the reader would like one since she has picked up the book (the book is written to women).  The book reads easily, like you’re having a conversation with someone who knows you fairly well, has given you good advice in the past and is sure you will want to follow the advice he’s providing now.  The book empowers you, the reader, to do your part to find the right guy for you.

It uses some common Dr. Phil-isms such as:

• You teach people how to treat you
• The only person you are in control of is you

According to the book, you can’t begin a search for the right person if you don’t know who you are, which is nothing new.  But knowing who you are is not enough:  you must also know what you want (also not novel).  Dr. Phil recommends making a list of all the wonderful qualities you want the man of your dreams to have, under specific categories that he suggests.  You should also have a list of deal breakers, qualities in a man that you absolutely will not consider (obvious ones are someone with addictions–gambling, alcohol, drugs).  The goal is to find a guy who has 80 percent of the qualties you would like, and none of the deal breakers.  If a man doesn’t have 80% of the qualities you desire, he suggests that if the guy has the potential to acquire these qualities you keep him on your list of potentials.

Like I said, he puts the ball in your court.  He covers issues such as selfconfidence and how you appear to the outside world (this is where the whole ‘you teach people how to treat you’ comes in:  if you wouldn’t date you, why should anyone else?).  The book devotes a chapter to internet dating too, shows you how to find out if a love interest possesses those qualities that you want in a guy from pretty ordinary conversation, suggests ways to get out there more and you’re given some insight into how men think.  (I must admit I found this chapter one of the most interesting.  I officially have to stop hoping that men think like women).

And as the last part of the title of the book implies, this book touches on how you can improve an existing relationship. 

I am glad I bought the book (I rarely purchase books) because it is a book that I will revisit through my looking for love stage and beyond.