It was ok; nothing to write home about. I am fixated on the little things that failed to make me swoon, but first dates can be awkward, so perhaps a second date will be a better judge of our chemistry (which I felt was absent).

I may see him again, I may not. It’s very up in the air in a non-complicated away. In the meantime I am barely resisting saying yes to the persistent 52 year old man, the 19 year old who asked me if I like young men (younger than my youngest brother? No thanks!) and the man who is a fan of big beautiful women (BBW, a platitude for “fat”, i discovered). I find myself constantly refining my profile to weed out fellows like the aforementioned. My profile now indicates the age range of the men (man?) I’m seeking, and tells the outliers that if they don’t get a response to their message from me, that is why and also includes a request that fat fetishists need not apply. One has to be a bit ruthless in this online dating world in order to survive.

And back to that BBW thing. Why do we have to add a “beautiful” to it? The other options are things like “slim”, “athletic”, “muscular”, “a few extra pounds”. Why does the largest weight designation have to be softened with the word “beautiful”? I’m big, I’m fat, I may be beautiful, but that is something they can see by looking at my profile picture or getting to know me. I agree with my friend Rich that the use of the word “beautiful’ in BBW is a way of putting a positive spin on a largely (heh) undesirable state. Yes, I’m big but wait…I’m big and beautiful! How do you like me now?

Lame.

I’ve never been mistaken for the sharpest crayon in the box, so I looked at my dad with confusion in my eyes, wondering what he was getting at (and if, possibly, he was on a tangent again). What he meant is to make sure you are aware of what you are entitled to in a job and take advantage of it (not in a bad way).

(So no, he wasn’t talking about maxing out those sick days!)

I gave this more thought after I left my parents, and came up with the following job benefits that people might be missing out on:

Training
This is the biggest one. Most employers want you to do your job to the best of your ability and if when they hired you you didn’t have all the skills that you needed, but they saw in you the potential to learn those skills, then they hired you. Sure you can pick up the skills you need from doing the job but if you intend to get the most out of your employment, be proactive and look into courses and workshops available to help you do your job better. Sometimes you may even come across something that doesn’t seem immediately related to your job, but perhaps it’s something that you’ve always been interested in, such as a course on different personality types and learning to work with them. If you can link it somehow to your job, it might be worth pitching to your boss as a possible area where you’d like to receive training.

Some employers provide their employees with funds they can put towards a hobby, as a way of encouraging a well rounded life. RA mentioned that her previous employer had such a program, proof that I’m not making this up! If you work for a company that produces or uses a certain brand of gadgets, you may get a deep discount on one, or even get it for free.

My experience
I live in the capital of Canada and the downtown core is quite bilingual. I’m not sure if that is why I’ve always wanted to learn French to the point where I could be considered fluently bilingual. I took French courses in highschool and in university. My comprehension is great, my speaking is on the rusty side of “good” (I’m too shy to speak French if I know the person I’m talking to is a francophone who speaks English. If I know the person can’t speak English, or I get a feeling that their command of the English language is worse than my grasp of French, I will speak French to make it easier on us). When I was first hired at my place of employment, my job was was to write English reports (there was a writer for French reports). However, when I got the new job, along with it came the stipulation that I learn French. I was very happy, especially when I found out that the costs for this would be covered by the employer and I could even take the courses during working hours. Win-win, I say.

We’re also encouraged to look into the training we feel we need to do our job better and request it. We might not get all that we ask for but we generally receive some training at least once a year (often a group at a time), and I have two different topics of training coming up the next month.

Health benefits
Many employers are getting on the “healthy employees are happy employees (who don’t miss many days of work)” kick, so they are starting to offer subsidies to their employees for things like gym memberships, consultations with a dietitian, or taking an exercise class. Not all places of employment do this though, so you’ll have to look into it. It’s certainly worth asking!

My experience
I found out we have a yearly allowance for massages, where the majority of the cost is covered. I’ve injured my back a couple of times, and since starting this job I’ve definitely noticed tension in my back and shoulder from all the typing I do. Knowing that I don’t have to shell out the full amount for a massage when I need one is nice. I haven’t yet taken advantage of this but coworkers have and they’ve let me know what I’m missing out on!

Discounts
I alluded to this earlier, but some even employers that don’t have a product to give you a discount on may be able to swing discounts for you on other things because they provide business to other services. Freebies (or cheapies) you may get include hotel rooms, flights, car rentals, or train fare.

My experience
On the rare occasion that we’ve needed to rent a car for personal use, we’ve received a discount on our rental, which is nice.

- – - –
Ok, your turn: what are some perks of your job that you are using or have heard about? How about perks of other jobs that you’ve heard about?

I don’t think you deserve it.

- – - –
Aren’t you glad I got that out of my system?

I was going to try to segue into another topic but really, is that possible? See you in a couple of hours.

If you want to be comforting to someone who is down, just be there. You don’t have to fill in the silence between sobs with words, just your presence and the odd back pat/rub is enough.

It has always been a sore point in my family that I go to my friends’ houses but rarely invite them over. This has been a theme all through my life, and I know it bothers my parents. I find it a hassle to have people over because I have three siblings to ensure will leave me alone so we can watch tv, or hang out, and I feel like if I’m inviting someone over for a meal, I have to make sure that said family members won’t be also inviting someone over, or using the rooms of the house that I need, etc. This was more of a problem when my siblings were younger and brattier, but eventually it just became more convenient to do things at other peoples houses, and my house stopped being an option.

I always tell my dad when I get my own place, I will entertain more but his skepticism is palpable.

I remember when my parents, namely my dad, did that to me. The time (however long it was, perhaps six or nine months athough felt like at least three years) that my internet access was restricted was the first time I seriously considered saying those three words that no child should ever have to say to their parents: I hate you.

(But I didn’t, because I could never hate my parents…and when I mutter “I hate my family” at least once a day, that’s acceptable because I’m not singling out one specific person in the family so really they’re meaningless words)

Prior to 2001 my interest in the internet was minimal: I used it for research for school projects and as a way to communicate with one main friend after my phone curfew was exceeded (10 or 11pm). Before I got into instant messaging, I’d send emails back and forth until I was practically falling asleep on the keyboard (clue number 1 that the internet was becoming an addiction?).

Then something happened, I isolated myself, and embraced the internet more fully. I started to talk to people I didn’t know in real life online! Thinking back to my previous thoughts of what the internet was and wasn’t for, it’s shocking that I moved from talking to only people that I knew to people that lived halfway across the world so easily. Through irc and its trivia rooms, I talked to people all over the world, got a reputation as one of the smart kids (something the real world wasn’t giving me), developed a crush or two and inspired crushes too. I joined a room, Canadaroom, and met some people who I still keep in contact with today. My friend Matt is from my irc days. From irc, I moved to msn city chats, and met my friend Mel there.

The internet became my social life and I always found time for it. No day was complete without logging on and chatting into the wee hours of the morning. I was having problems with my University Experience before I started using the internet for fun, and spending all those hours online did not help at all. I was clearly not happy, and my parents noticed. They knew what had happened to turn me to the internet, but I didn’t want to discuss it so as far as they were concerned, the internet wasn’t a viable way to deal with any problems I was facing, school and otherwise. It was then that they started monitoring my internet use.

The family computer was kept in my dad’s office, which he installed a lock on. I can’t recall now if he did this before or after I became addicted. The door to his office was (and still is) kept locked during the day while he is out, which was not a problem since all 4 kids were also out at school during the day too. I think for him, locking that door was like locking the front door of the house when he was out-automatic. So, if we needed the computer for homework, we had to ask him for the key, and if we knew we’d need the computer after 10pm, we had to ask for the key before he went to bed. You can imagine that with four children plus him actively using the computer, finding time to use it during the after school hours wasn’t easy. That is how I started getting the computer later at night, after the others had gone to bed. However, we had dialup, and the phone that the internet line was connected to his personal line so if he wanted to know if someone was using the internet, all he had to do was pick up the phone beside him.

He didn’t start doing that until he came downstairs a couple of times over several months and caught me online every time, well after 2 or 3 in the morning. When asked what I was doing, each time I told him the the truth, that I was chatting. He was aghast that I, who professed to be having problems at school, would compound the problems by spending all my hours in very meaningless online activities, waking up late for class, and being generally groggy. Both parents were also convinced that I’d run away with the first guy who professed to love me, or I’d give him my bank account number and be scammed. Sometimes I’d hear my dad coming downstairs and quickly turn off the computer, pretending that I was just heading up but it was always too late, the damage had been done. And thus began the computer monitoring.

I should explain that because of the high ceilings in our house, we had established soon after we moved in that somebody on the top floor yelling at the top of his or her lungs to somebody in the basement would go unheard. To combat that, we installed an intercom in a couple of rooms on each floor. So, what my dad would do is pick up phone, see that I was connected to the internet, then scare the spit out of me by coming on the intercom and telling me to get off the computer right that instant. Eventually the utter repetition of this got to him and he refused to let me have the key unless I was doing school work. And being the good child that I was, I would get off the computer when I could no longer use the excuse of also doing school work, but my online school work was taking longer than usual now because I’d be multitasking while doing it.

I worked part time during this time, and my favourite way to relax after a long day of school followed by work was to chill online. I would get home, wash my hands (mild OCD) and my next knee-jerk move was to head downstairs to the computer. If the room was unlocked, my night was complete. If the room was locked, do not talk to me. I remember how enraged I would become, the horrible words that would come out of my mouth, the way I’d treat any sibling that wanted to hang out or talk, but had the nerve to approach me after I just discovered that the room was locked and my dad was asleep and I didn’t know where the key was. I’d hunt through the house the best I could, looking for the key. I’d even sneak around in their bedroom as quietly as possible, hoping to find the key without waking them (Addict behaviour, no?).

We had many a conversation, with me defending my right to use the computer for pleasure, explaining (rationally, I thought) that my lackluster university performance was in place long before my internet use became an issue (To this degree? was his response. I didn’t have much to say to that).

Other conversations followed. My dad proved again and again that restricting my internet use wasn’t an act of hate, but of love. My self confidence was always on the low side and he wanted me to work on regaining the self confidence I had lost since I had started university, and due to more recent events, instead of letting the internet distract me from them like I was doing. He has always been my biggest cheerleader and the one who believed in me far more than I thought anyone ever should. And what happened? I eventually buckled down and reduced my internet use, though I started blogging soon after as a way to deal with what was going on instead of merely chatting the time away. When my dad saw how I used the internet now, he gave me custody of the precious key. I continued to work hard. I graduated with my General Arts degree and my Honours in Biochemistry, even though the academic advisor told me to switch to the concentration program because it would be impossible for me to make it. It wasn’t easy: my lack of belief in my ability caused me to abandon an assignment, convinced I was doing it completely wrong, and hand it in half done, only to get almost full marks for the part I did, but a very low final mark with a “What happened? You were doing fine!” comment on the assignment. My university transcript is the one thing I may never show you. I still struggle to believe in my abilities.

And of course, as things in life go, I got over what happened, fully re-entered my social circles and things were ok again. Once I finished school, my attraction to the internet (which was always just below the surface), was given a larger priority in my life again. I eventually bought my own computer and then, when my dad’s internet (which by now was dsl) wasn’t cutting it with respect to speed, I found an internet service provider that could give me what I wanted. Even though we still live together, we pay for two different ISPs.

It’s hard to say what would have happened if my addiction to the internet hadn’t been curbed during that crucial time by my parents. Would I have flunked out? Would I have met some crazy person online and be dead or in a bad situation? Would I have met someone wonderful online and be married with cute little troublemakers? Who knows.

I think I might owe my dad a thank you.

One of the unexpected hardships have come from family, 99% of which still resides in the home country. By virtue of not living in the same country as them, we have become the Rich Relatives. As the Rich Relatives, it is our duty to singlehandedly support the many cousins, aunts and uncles that we have. And forget supporting them the best way we can: we should support them in the way that they wish because we live in the Land of Plenty and are therefore wealthier than we can even say. The reason our entire family has only visited once is because we love our life here too much to go back regularly; it isn’t because six round trip plane tickets cost so much.

Despite the efforts of my parents to share all that they have with family, with the exception of my grandparents, I have yet to meet a relative that doesn’t think we could or should be doing more for them. If my sister and I send them something, we do not receive an expression of gratitude, but are told that there were squabbles about why cousin A got this while cousin B got that. Even in person, gifts are snubbed and the cost calculated.

Some of our cousins have expensive tastes, far more expensive than we can afford. They demand ipods, walkmans, watches, and calculators by (brand) name. It may be selfish on my part, but I have no trouble turning down these requests because if I can’t afford to buy it for myself, I certainly am not buying it for you, only to have you wonder why I bought you a 2 gig version when the 4 gig version is “only” $X more.

What irks me further is that they are able-bodied people, with jobs and homes that they own outright (no mortgage to think of) and they are doing well for themselves back home. Any attempts on our part to explain the realities of life here as an immigrant are rejected. They are so sure that what we tell them are lies, because we don’t want to share all those jewels that we wake up and scoop off the sidewalks with them, and convinced that everything is better here, that their life is wretched in comparison to life here…until they get here.

We have family visiting (…3 months, two weeks and counting…) who came here with many of the same expectations that the others have. Prior to their arrival, all questions they asked were answered honestly, and other information that they did not request was given, but they had been told what to expect from other people who did not live where we live, or how we live. I know they are surprised by our lifestyle, and its lower-middle classness. They have several cars at home, one of which is a mercedes. We told them that here, perhaps due to our greater distance from Europe, luxury cars are not as common among people in our income level, and luxury cars just aren’t a priority to us. Our 12 year old van is limping along on its last legs, its rust becoming more pronounced. Our “new” car is 10 years old and we acquired it just last year. They are living as we do, eating what we eat, getting around by bus (the horror, right?) and other things, and let’s just say that their actions in the last three months have proven to us why certain parts of one’s family tree should be hacked away with gusto. After all, you’d do the same with dead tree branches right? Why not do away with parts of the family tree that bring nothing but grief to you?

Despite my focus on material things, what really hurts is that my sister and I don’t hear from cousins unless they want something. While we dearly miss not growing up with family around, with people our age to share the bond of family with, and aunts and uncles and cousins to visit, they never miss us, they only miss the things we refuse to get them. Even the visiting family members don’t call on us unless they need something: a drive somewhere, for us to pick up something at the store, some money. The family tree is already broken in places. It’s only my grandmothers, a couple of uncles and two aunts that keep me from claiming that all the family I have in this world are the five people I live with.

Why do some people get many chances at love while others get none?

Why do some get to meet their true love at a young age, while some meet him or her at age 40, and still others never meet him or her?

Is there any sense of worthiness considered when handing out signifcant others?

I can’t be the only one seeking answers to these questions, can I?

Her reason for quitting was that she had had enough.  There was no one incident that propelled her to quit, but she just decided that one full time job was sufficient to provide her needs (not surprising since she is the world’s best saver of every penny that crosses her path).  She has no plans to find a new part time job, take up a hobby or join a club, no plans to volunteer her newly free evenings and weekends away.  She hasn’t even mentioned increasing her visits to the library that she loves so.  Instead, she’s looking forward to enjoying halcyon evenings and weekends after a busy day or week of work.

I’m stumped.  And jealous.

Jealous that she doesn’t feel the same need I do to have a busy schedule anymore, to work two and sometimes three jobs at the same time and keep busy.  Because I don’t save money with the same competency that she does, I worry that I won’t have enough money to accomplish my goals unless I work more (yes, instead of saving more).  The fact that I want to buy a car and a house without making any significant sacrifices keeps me working.  That and the fact that I just plain like money:  I like being able to spend it, I like the things I can get with it.

But when my sister makes decisions like working less, rather than more, it makes me think.  In these past three weeks she’s been more relaxed, less prone to anger and she seems to enjoying herself.  She’s had time to watch every hockey game that our home team has played in the last few weeks (I do not particularly envy her that, hockey is not my passion) but I see that she’s enjoying herself in her own way.

And I wonder…

I was fairly skeptical about this, but a couple of people may have changed my mind.

First off, I truly believe that the retail work environment differs from most other work environments:  retail work tends to attract all the negative things and wave them high up in the air for all to see.  In the retail work environment, which I have been a part of for almost eight years, I have a reputation for caring most about doing my job.  I don’t mean having the highest sales or anything like that.  My goal is always to leave the store looking clean, and any and all customers who come in with the following feeling: “I went into that store and I came out feeling, at worst, neutral, and at best better for going in there, even though I didn’t buy a thing.  Damn that Jummy girl is funny/nice/friendly/a perfect match for my single yet extremely eligible son/brother/best friend”.  I hate pushy salespeople and refuse to be one of them.  I always give my honest (yet tactful and diplomatic) opinion when asked and I generally leave customers alone unless they request my help.  I strive to be efficient, friendly and keep the store looking better than when I started my shift.  And yes, I’m still wondering why I haven’t won the Best Salesperson Alive. Ever. award.

I’m inclined to think that retail work and friendships are often a mismatch for the following reasons:

Gossip is rife in retail workplaces
When I meet a coworker who cares more about making friends at the job than doing her job, I always make sure to tell her that I’m not there to make friends and I truly  mean it:  work should be comfortable, all colleagues should treat each other with respect but at the end of the day, if I detest you or your values and you detest mine, this shouldn’t get in the way of our work because we should be consummate professionals.  The reason I am this harsh is because usually, becoming friends with someone in the retail environment involves the exchange of a certain amount of gossip, usually about other coworkers, and I know how easily I slip into that frame of mind.  And nobody who works in an environment that is predominantly female can deny how easy it is to get sucked into and enjoy swapping gossip.  Despite the fun of gossip, it is usually a negative and draining activity and being someone who is always looking for the bad to share with other friends or coworkers is something everyone should avoid.

How do you deal with the success of your coworkerfriend? Favouritism?
Another reason I balk from work friendships is because if you become friends with someone and one of you moves to a position of authority over the other, it can lead to more talk (gossip) about alleged favouritism and both (gossip, favouritism) are good things to avoid.  Or worse, this favouritism can happen in reality, and unconsciously on the part of the person who is showing it.  Either way, I see it as a disastrous ending, where you,  or your friend the “superior” are perceived and treated differently by your coworkers, which spawns more gossip and things can get ugly, fast. 

One example of this was years ago when I had a boss who was a smoker.  She became close friends with another coworker, who was also a smoker.  The two ladies would take their breaks together and also take unscheduled extra breaks together (my boss hated to smoke alone), to the frustration of the rest of us.  This coworker also became privy to information that the manager freely shared with her, and she shared with us (gossip!) and although we perhaps should have rejoiced that she shared this news with us, I resented that this person was being given information directly from the manager, while the rest of us had to wait for whatever scraps trickled down our way.   I also resented that because of her bond with the manager over smoking, she was given perks (more breaks) than the rest of us.

Alternatively, the promotion of your friend could lead to feelings of jealousy or envy on your part, which could also strain the friendship, especially if you had competed against your friend for a higher position and lost.

Is it ok to compete with a friend?
You should always try your best in all that you do, but when a friend is becomes your competitor, things could get awkward.  First off, if you work in a retail environment where payment is based on commission or meeting a set budget, you may find yourself constantly competing with your friend to get the sale (when you both work the same shift).  This may cause you to engage in unsavoury and selfish acts.  Alternatively, you may allow yourself to be the victim of such acts because you don’t want to risk the friendship.  When you have to consider the feelings of your coworker-friend before even how you can best serve the customer, both you and your customer may suffer, and you may end up allowing your coworker/friend to take a sale that you worked on and make other sacrifices at the risk of your own success.  If both parties do this occasionally (e.g., one person is closer than the other to meeting their goal so one will give the other her sale so that she makes it) and reciprocally, this isn’t a problem.  It’s when it’s one sided and constant that it can lead to problems, and a good friend should not ask that of you. 

I know we’re friends but you you really suck at your job!
And a final reason that work friendships make me wary:  when you become somebody’s friend, you may find it harder to criticize them and if there is one thing I love doing it’s crticizing people (um, constructive criticism, ok?).  I have worked at the same store in a part time capacity for nearly eight years and some consider me an expert there.  I have had dozens of managers, assistant managers, coworkers come and go and return (!) and I’ve just plodded along there, not because the pay is fantastic (it isn’t, I’m actually ashamed to admit my hourly pay rate but dear employer, you shouldn’t get mad I’m saying this because I’m still there, right? Right?) or the clothing is the best stuff ever made, but because I am comfortable there and I genuinely enjoy the job.  [I'm also as modest as they come]. 

All of that to say that even though many, including my various bosses, look to me for answers at times, and give me the authority to correct my coworkers, it isn’t something that I relish doing because it can lead to coworkers thinking I’m favoured or being given special privileges, which I’d hate.  A lot of coworkers, when they hear how long I’ve worked there, wait for me to tell them what to do and I tell them that we’re both part time employees so we both report to the same person and I am not their boss.  All I want is to be able to work with competent people who do their job.  Sadly this simple wish is often not granted, and when the incompetent person is a friend, how do you tell her that her work habits need to be improved without coming across as a know-it-all?  I’ve thought of leaving anonymous notes for coworkers that say “this is how you fold a shirt”, “this is how you straighten the store”, “this is what a clean store looks like”, “this is what is meant by “vacuum the store”, “leaning against the counter complaining about how much work there is to do won’t get the work done”, “please get off the phone so that people who might actually be calling to find out what our sales are can get through” but it would be beyond obvious that I’m the writer of the notes.  So, if you treat everyone as a work colleague and nothing more, it might be easier for you to say (tactfully, diplomatically) “hey, can you fold that stack of tshirts while I fold these ones?” or “stop lounging around and work, silly”, and insert false but real sounding teasing laughter and perhaps slap them lightly on the shoulder.  I’ve done it.  It works.

A lot of these same qualities apply to my full time job, but to a lesser degree.  Gossip is less, but is still a constant: I suspect this is more due to the high percentage of women at the job rather than the sort of work it is.  Favouritism still exists, but it’s more subtle when it occurs.  Thankfully I have no competitors for my job but as new jobs get created within the organization, I can see how one could be…conflicted…applying for a job that your friend would also be applying for, and trying to outdo each other.  I find I’m far more tolerant of my coworkers’ foibles in a professional setting because I feel less like my success depends on them:  at the store, if my coworker slacks off while I’m running around serving customers and tidying, I might not get out of work on time because I’m trying to do everything, or if I do leave on time, the store will look like a mess and I’ll be (or feel responsible).  In a professional work setting, although in some areas my work does depend on that of others, it’s easier to be judged by my own accomplishments.  Even if I am unable to complete a task due to its dependence on another coworker, it is easier to clearly show what I was able to do and ensure that the appropriate people are implicated when things don’t get done.

For these reasons I have my suspicions about the ability of work friendships to…work.  However, in part II I’ll share real life examples of work friendships that work, and the challenges that are involved.

So:  do work friendships work?  Have you had any work friendships turn bad, or ended up meeting a best friend at work?