Life would be simpler if I didn’t want children. I’d still be incredibly impatient and grumpy for having to wait this long to be with my life partner (while so many others got to meet their mates in their 20s or earlier), but there wouldn’t be the added sense of panic that thoughts of my biological clock brings.

Of course I can have healthy children past the age of 35, just like there could be complications if I was under the age of 30, but it’s all about the odds when you’re past 35. Icky, possibly less favourable odds. My mom gave birth to Brother #2, her fourth-born, at age 33. I just did the math right now and that makes me feel like booing and hissing even more.

But enough doom and gloom. Unfortunately nothing I can do will make things happen faster than they’re supposed to happen. I just hope they’re supposed to happen for me.

This is my eighth year doing this “year in review” survey. You can check out my responses in previous years if you’d like: 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, and 2010.

01. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?
Drive my own car, go on a solo road trip.

02. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don’t know if I made resolutions but I probably did and probably didn’t keep them (as usual). I will absolutely make new resolutions.

03. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes, Allison had Noah in September!

04. Did anyone close to you die?
One of my cousins passed away a few months ago and my mom’s cousin passed away a couple of weeks ago, in her sleep. I wasn’t close to either lady, but I last saw my mother’s cousin in 2008 when we visited Nigeria and I thought she was a really nice woman. When we returned to Nigeria in 2010 we dropped by her house but unfortunately she wasn’t at home. Both ladies died young; that’s always a sad thing.

05. What countries did you visit?
USA.

06. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
A fiancé.

07. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Maybe July 30, when I bought my car, and August 4 when I picked it up at the dealership.

08. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Buying a car.

09. What was your biggest failure?
Not realizing my blogging goals.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Aside from the nasty burn on my right arm from my Dad’s oven in Hammy, nope (thank God!).

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My car (goodness: we have a strong theme here!).

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
My parents and my sister. They were all so supportive of me this year. Also, my sister had some pretty big milestones this year (got out of her dead-end job, got baptized, and got an iPhone) so I’m very proud of her (and yes, getting an iPhone is a milestone because it really has changed her life, just as I predicted it would!).

I also have awesome friends.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Brother #2, a colleague, and the Canadian embassy in Nigeria.

14.Where did most of your money go?
Eating out? The car? My mortgage.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Paying my dad a surprise visit in Hammy.

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?
Someone Like You by Adele.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

happier or sadder?
Sadder, but only because this time last year I was pretty lovestruck.

thinner or fatter?
I’m quite sure I have more fat cells if I’m not actually larger.

richer or poorer?
Poorer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Exercising, cooking, learning graphic design, mastering WordPress, praying, having faith, reading (including in particular my bible).

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Eating sugar-laced products (same as last year).

20. How did you spend Christmas?
With my family. We opened our gifts after dinner (a first!) on Christmas day, I enjoyed Boxing Day shopping solo, and I slept over at my parents for most of the week after Christmas (this latter part is the same as last year).

21. Did you fall in love in 2011?
Nope.

22. What was your favourite TV program?
Oprah’s Lifeclass.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Nah, though there are a few people that I would like nothing more than a nodding acquaintance with.

24. What was the best book you read?
Hmm, I didn’t read many books cover-to-cover but Crush It by Gary Vaynerchuk was good.

25. Who was your greatest musical discovery?
Adele.

26. What did you want and get?
A car.

27. What did you want and not get?
This fella I like to move here.

28. What was your favourite film of 2011?
Something Borrowed I think.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 32 and went for lunch and dinner with friends the night before, and dinner with my family the day of. I also decided to intentionally celebrate my birthday moving forward.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Having a boyfriend who lived in the same country as me.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
“I wore clothing”.

32. What kept you sane?
My family and friends and remembering to give thanks (same as last year).

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
None. I don’t fancy celebrities or public figures.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
I remain politically apathetic, just like last year (and years previous).

35. Who did you miss?
This fella who’s in Nigeria, K.

36. Who was the best new person you met?
No one comes to mind.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011
I’m still learning this but I think my dad is right when he said I have to make sure that I don’t let setbacks prevent me from continuing to pray and hope for things with all my heart. If I let something that’s important to me slip off my radar as a coping mechanism, I may discover that I’ll successfully trick myself into thinking I don’t actually want it. I do this because I want to protect myself but I need to stop trying to prevent myself from feeling all the emotions that come with wanting something badly, not believing that I can actually have it or that I deserve it, and dealing with the related setbacks that can and will occur on the path to getting my heart’s desire.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
No song lyrics really sum up this year.

- – -

And that’s it for another year! Give this survey a try if you’ve never done it.

I swear more nowadays. I can blame my city’s local bus system for that, and remembering all the times that the bus sped past me or the bus driver ignored me as I ran toward it is enough to bring up that old rage (and my constant wish that I had a brick to toss at the driver). Driving gives me the occasional road rage moment, so I guess I swear most when I’m in vehicles (or trying to get into one). The swear word of choice is the F word, directed toward the driver. I will use (or think) the B word or A word (B!tch or A$$hole) about people when they say or do something that bugs me to no end. And if I forget to do something that I was supposed to do, or mess up something colossally at a critical time, the S word will come flying out. In fact, I think I say the S word more than any other swear words. I also swear more when I hang around people who swear. I think I do it to fit in or something. I don’t like this.

Aside from those swear words, there are words that growing up in a Christian household, you just don’t say, like g.oddamned, J.esus C.hrist, oh my F word God, etc. For some reason saying oh my God has always been ok with me; not sure why though. When I hear those other three I cringe, because to me they’re not random swear words; they’re an insult to my beliefs. Do I think the person using those swear words is thinking that for a minute when using it? Absolutely not! In fact if they were swearing at me they’d be more likely to use the B- or A-word rather than “taking the Lord’s name in vain”.

One of my old pastors shared a story about how he used to call anyone who was acting weird a drunk, so he’d say “You drunk!” all the time to his friends. After a while one of his friends told him she found that insulting because her father actually was a drunk and hearing it brought up unpleasant memories for her. The same with the use of “You retard” or similar: if you have someone in your life with physical or mental challenges, those words might hit a soft spot within you.

Although I’m not big on swear words, they exist and in my opinion they should not be used at the workplace or socially as much as possible. I understand that with friends or in a more casual setting they will come out but in company where you don’t know how others feel about use of those words, it’s best to avoid it. Despite this, I’ve sworn at work, in the presence of colleagues who are friends, granted, but still.

I don’t want any of my friends who come across this entry to think it’s a passive aggressive message to them, because it isn’t. I’ve been thinking more about swearing in the last while, and I’ve realized that while it bothers me to hear God- or Jesus-related swear words, I’d feel hypocritical suggesting to someone that they can say certain swear words in my presence but not others, especially since my reputation as a non-swearer is no more. Also, both sets of swear words (those related to religious figures and those that aren’t) are being said for similar reasons so I don’t know if actually a difference, and growing up we were taught that saying another word instead of an “accepted” swear word (such as saying “fudgesicles” instead of the F word) is just as bad as swearing, because it’s just replacing the word you really want to say.

I know I’ve been talking a lot about making life changes and given my track record nothing might stick but I really do want to go back to those days where I was known for not swearing. I’d rather be a problem solver who takes productive or constructive action than one who blurts out an expletive. Obviously no one is perfect and I’m not saying I’ll never say another swear word but one pro I just thought of is not having to train myself not to swear in the presence of my future children!

Over the past almost six years, I’ve banked my vacation days so I could spend four weeks at a time in Nigeria. I did that three years ago and also last year. I haven’t taken a week off to stay close to home, doing what my heart desires, in a long time and I need it. My soul needs it.

We’re heading into a busy time at work, so it’s tempting to wait until that time is over before taking time off but I don’t think I can put this off. I feel like I won’t get through that busy time in good spirits unless I have a moment to recharge my batteries. I’ve therefore submitted my time off and plan to spend the next few weeks organizing my workload to make the week off as stress-free as possible. Perhaps knowing this lovely treat is on its way will give me the concentration and efficiency I’ve been lacking.

Tentative plans for the week off include watching as much Private Practice as possible, working on a new website, and unpacking the boxes in my storage room, but if I don’t do any of those things and I come back rested, that will be ok.

Summer will be over in a few short weeks and when I look back on the summer of 2011, I want to be able to remember that blissful week where I took time for me.

I want to do something drastically different but I don’t think a shake-up is what I need. I need to rededicate myself to my life, to fulfilling all the goals I’ve held within me for years. I have to let go of the chains of my own invention that keep me at this level, unfulfilled. I need to stop doing things I consider a waste of time but do anyway because friends or family expect it. I have to stop doing things that are a waste of time but that I do because I’m lazy and it’s easier to just waste time.

I’m ready (for the trillionth time) for a change. But this change won’t come without action and commitment.

So we reconnected after literal years of not talking like that and it felt great. She’s very easy to talk to and it was fun to try and remember snippets from each other’s lives to ask about. It helps that we’re Facebook friends though we don’t talk on there except for our birthdays and her wedding and birth of her baby girl. This entry is triggered by my usual feeling after reconnecting with people I admire and swapping info about our lives: I always feel like I’m not moving fast enough. She’s married, her husband relocated from halfway across the world to be with her, she’s a mother now, she’s got her job, her little family seem so sweet. I’ve done things too but not enough for me to be content. I am not where I wanted to be at this stage of life. I want to buy that car (the one I’ve moaned about for ages), travel all around the country and into the USA, marry a man who loves me, make a baby or three. I feel these things will happen but my 32nd birthday and whatever’s triggered this evening’s sense of wistfulness makes me feel like it needs to happen very soon or I’ll burst into tears.

This feeling will pass and I will once again focus on what I have been blessed with. In fact I intend to share a post on the things I am grateful for on my other blog.

*My girl crushes aren’t at romantic: they’re people whose personality, life, or story I totally love. If they inspire me in some way I officially crush on them.

I don’t talk much about my faith with colleagues or even friends because I don’t want to deal with their skepticism or questions like “If God is so wonderful, why do bad things happen?” I’m not saying this isn’t a valid question and my answer to such is that the world isn’t full of humans who run on autopilot: all humans have free will and can make their own decisions and it’s humanity’s imperfection that has resulted in the world being crappy. Could God have created a perfect world full of robots who always did the right thing? I belive so. I don’t have trouble sleeping at night because I can’t answer people’s questions because to me I don’t expect to be able to understand how God works because I believe he’s more than a really powerful human…he’s God. To me the fact that he’s God means that I won’t ever understand the way things work and I am comfortable with that.

Anyway, I’m not a good person or a better person because of my belief in God. I try to follow my parents’ excellent example, and I think I am a helpful person, a kind person, and a caring person as a result. Do I gossip about other people, even friends, behind their back? Yes. Is this a really bad habit that I need to stop? Yes. Do I think bad thoughts about other people? Definitely. Do I swear, lie and steal (music over the internet)? Yes.

I think you get my point: I am a Christian, and by definition that means I am not perfect. I may be even worse than some atheists you know. I know that like all people, I am a living example to others, and by my own declaration that I am a Christian, my life is supposed to be an example to others on how Christians live and behave. I regularly recommit to stopping all the gossiping I engage in, but it’s a tough battle for me. With God’s help which I seek through prayers, I believe I’ll eventually get to the bottom of it.

This may seem like a harsh segue but over the past five or so years, I’ve wanted a nose ring, on and off. This desire was reignited last week. A few nights ago, while talking to a friend’s fiancée, asking her how she had liked her nose ring (which she no longer has), I decided I was going to get one. But then I did something that I can assure you I’ve never done: when I got home I googled something like “Can Christians get body piercings”. Mind you, my ears were pierced when I was a few weeks old, so it’s not like I don’t have any piercings, but piercing my nose would be a conscious decision that I would be making as an adult.

It was interesting to read what this blog entry had to say on the topic. Here’s an excerpt. I understand that if you don’t believe in God (at least the Christian idea of God) a lot of it may seem weird to you:

But Piper mentioned two additional factors to take into consideration, to which I would like to add a third. First, he asked the all-important question that every Christian contemplating getting a tattoo or body piercing should ask: “Will this exalt the Lord Jesus Christ? Is this going to draw attention to him or to me? Will his beauty and splendor and all-sufficiency be highlighted in this action? Will the gospel itself be adorned or obscured in what I’m doing?”

Second, John also said that we should carefully monitor our motives for getting a tattoo or body piercing. In particular, he suggested that often times (not always!) people get tattoos in an effort to establish for themselves an identity that they have failed to find in Christ alone. In other words, each person needs to ask: “To what extent does this tattoo or body piercing reflect my failure to find full satisfaction in Christ alone? To what extent is this an attempt to ‘be’ or ‘become’ something that until know I’ve failed to find in who I am in Christ and because of what he has accomplished in grace on my behalf?”

And later on:

Needless to say (or perhaps it does need to be said), this text in 1 Corinthians 6 would apply to a number of issues other than tattoos and body piercing. I suspect that many reading this article are guilty of gluttony and have become excessively obese. This is only one example of what undoubtedly are any number of activities in which we may fail to glorify God in our bodies. We must be careful, therefore, lest we single out tattoos and body piercing and ignore the many ways in which we might potentially fail to glorify the Lord in how we treat our physical frame.

Christians are supposed to live a life that isn’t all about them and what they want, but one that is about reflecting God to others. That’s why the What Would Jesus Do? movement was so big some years back. Anyway, whether I get that nose ring or not, I can say right now that it’s something I want to do to beautify my face. I love the thought of a teeny tiny stud sparkling on my face, but I’m also imagining that it’ll cuteify my nose so maybe that goes against the second part of the first quote I shared. We’ll see!

I love writing to express myself. The older I get the more apparent it is that I am a terrible oral communicator. My thoughts are all over the place; writing allows me to throw said words on a page, then rearrange them until they reflect what I mean to communicate. In my work environment, I’m a flubbler and while some may find it charming, she who flubs the words does not a promotion get. Worse than the flubblering though is accidentally spitting at those I’m talking to.

It is not 100% my fault: I have the world’s largest GAP between my two front teeth and when I speak, especially excitedly, I give those listening to me a light shower. I need to switch my iron pills to a brand with the side effect of causing dry mouth. I could also take a deep breath and think before speaking, which would cause my speech to come out in a modulated tone and result in less flubblering and probably less spitting.

Another thing I’ve been reflecting on lately is how little I care about my appearance. My hair is uninspiring but I have completely given up on it: rarely do I give it a good combing or brushing: I just throw it up in a bun and get on with my life. Even more rarely do I apply a flat iron to it. I don’t make time to find bobby pins to pin up the shorter bits so that it looks at least a bit professional. I have worn mascara once this year. My only nod to my appearance is wearing lipbalm. My skin looks awful: I’m currently experiencing the worst pimples I’ve had in a long while and I’ve been dealing with cold sores since I got back from Nigeria. I am a sight and I dread the day someone will mistaken me for a homeless person (at least from the neck up) and offer me a sandwich (hard to know if I dread the sandwich or being thought of as homeless more!).

I don’t make time for my appearance because I don’t expect to be noticed or liked based on my looks. Sadly, for all my self-help book reading, I haven’t mastered the art of looking good for me and only me. You’ll like the fact that I’m a nice person who isn’t mean-spirited (though I am not immune to having malicious thoughts). You’ll admit I’ve made you laugh once or twice. You may find me helpful. But if someone were to ask you to discuss my attractiveness, you’d hem and haw and change the subject. I get that. I just need to not feel bad about it, especially since I’m doing nothing to show myself in the best possible light physically. True to my habit of taking baby steps, I have started buying smaller sizes of clothes at my favourite clothing store instead of reaching for the largest size (don’t worry, the larger size was never huuuuuge on me, it was just a bit loose). Now I’m buying a size smaller and even I can see that it looks better.

This isn’t meant to be a sad, “poor me” entry, but one where I acknowledge that I look really awful lately and I need to make time to look better, even though I’m exhausted at the thought and even if I won’t be seeing another living being that day. How do I learn to care about my appearance?

• pray
• brush and floss at night

WEEKLY GOALS

• read my bible

BI-WEEKLY GOALS (I just learned that ‘bi-weekly‘ can mean every two weeks or twice a week! I’m using the former definition.)

• call 5 specific people

MONTHLY GOALS

• read 2 books per month
• not incur overdue library charge
• watch 1 non-romantic comedy movie
• entertain someone or some people at my place
• maximum one non-birthday or other special event dinner

So far in the first full week of January, I have prayed nearly every day, not read my bible yet, not called anybody, not watched any movies and incurred 50 cents in overdue library charges. I have, however, started Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus and if I could leave my smartphone at home all week I’ll be finished it by week’s end.

01. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?
Drive for over six hours, round-trip (road trip to the USA for Black Friday shopping with Brother #2!).

02. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I sure didn’t, but I’ll be making more for 2011.

03. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes, one of my best friends Jov did, her second boy.

04. Did anyone close to you die?
My aunt in Nigeria passed away several days ago. She was sick and I didn’t get to see her the last time I was in Nigeria (a couple of months ago). The last image I have of her in my head is seeing her slender frame in the market where she worked with her mom in 2008 with a big smile, which her two older kids inherited from her. It’s hard to believe that she is no longer on this earth…it just reminds me how rich we are if we have our health.

05. What countries did you visit?
Nigeria and USA.

06. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
An automobile.

07. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I’ll just say most of October.

08. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Hmm, answering this is proving difficult for me. Staying alive is an accomplishment, no?

09. What was your biggest failure?
Like last year, I failed at getting the house organized and hosting friends and family regularly. I did end the year by having friends over for New Year’s Eve festivities though:

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing serious, and even more importantly, my parents didn’t have any serious illnesses or injuries either. I am so thankful for this. If I may be permitted to whine I’d like to say that I’ve been dealing with cold sores since October and I’m really not happy about that.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My iphone.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Mine (boastful eh?) but I want to commend myself on how I handled an emotionally tough situation in the middle of 2010.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Various extended family members during the last trip to Nigeria.

14.Where did most of your money go?
The Nigeria trip. My lunch-buying habit was a significant budget buster too.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
I can’t think of anything that got me really, really excited. I’m easily excitable, you see.

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
Firework by Katy Perry.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

happier or sadder?
Happier.

thinner or fatter?
The same or maybe a smidge thinner.

richer or poorer?
Poorer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Cooking.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Eating sugar-laced products.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
With my family. I slept over at my parents’ place on Christmas Eve, we opened our gifts on Christmas Day in the afternoon, had a delicious dinner and just relaxed. I enjoyed Boxing Day shopping with two of my siblings and I slept over at my parents for most of the week after Christmas.

21. Did you fall in love in 2010?
I think so.

22. What was your favourite TV program?
Drop Dead Diva.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No.

24. What was the best book you read?
Marry Him, by Lori Gottlieb.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Taylor Swift.

26. What did you want and get?
A boyfriend.

27. What did you want and not get?
A car.

28. What was your favourite film of 2010?
None were memorable.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I went camping on my birthday weekend with my sister, Ves, Rich, Eli and Jen. I turned 31.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Getting my house organized (which is what I said last year).

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
To call is a fashion concept would once again be going too far.

32. What kept you sane?
My family and friends and remembering to give thanks.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
None. It’s not my style.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
I remain politically apathetic.

35. Who did you miss?
My family in Nigeria. I always miss them most after coming back from visiting them.

36. Who was the best new person you met?
I don’t think I met any new people this year, though I did meet several people in person for the first time and of those people I’d have to say Kunle was the best (a repeat from last year, though last year I had only e-met him).

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010
I learned that things really do happen when you least expect it when it comes to matters of the heart. I never believed it but I saw it in two instances, both good and bad.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
I think this is the first year I’m not posting a song lyric. I don’t feel strongly connected to any one set of lyrics to sum up the entire year. If there’s a song that talks of just being thankful for being alive and feeling generally blessed, that would be the song.

Ok, now that I wrote that there’s something about the chorus of the song Blessings Flow by Nigerian artist Omawumi that works because it’s got a thankful and appreciative vibe:

I know that I must follow my dreams
Cuz I see my future right in front of me
God knows why he made it so
Praise be to the Lord from whom all blessings flow

(You can hear it here).