Why was I crying? Maybe it was the Women Food and God book that is challenging me to look at the why of overeating. That book has some interesting passages to ponder. Like:

Sometimes people will say, “But I just like the taste of food. In fact, I love the taste! Why can’t it be that simple? I overeat because I like food.”

Overeating does not lead to rapture. It leads to burping and farting and being so sick that you can’t think of anything but how full you are. That’s not love; that’s suffering.

When it comes to sweets, I overeat, definitely past the point where I am satisfied. I have this need to finish the bag of candy or a row of cookies, and I am not good at stopping when I’m full because I never ask myself if I’m full when I’m eating. If there is something tasty before me, I feel the need to finish it.

All of that to say that I’ve been thinking about what I may be trying to avoid by losing myself in food. There may not be a deep underlying reason that has led to this, and I have to be careful not to focus so much on figuring things out that I never get to the part of the book where I put the core principles into action. I’m a fan of mindless eating. Mindless eating is not so good. Thinking about all of this is bringing up insecurities, some which may be related to overeating and some which may not be. Whatever the case, looking at insecurities is never pleasant.

But to be honest I don’t think that’s what made me teary, though it may another day.

There are some family issues that are weighing on my mind, and I’ve always been a rabid worrier when it comes to my family. Worrying does nothing but age me and lead to unpleasant physical manifestations, so I’m trying to stop worrying. This is where being a Christian, albeit one who uses God as a spare tire (call on him when I’m stranded) rather than a steering wheel (use regularly to guide the way), helps. Prayer, or for those who don’t believe in God, meditation, is really a good way to ground yourself when dealing with situations you can’t control. If I say a quick word of prayer it definitely gives me some peace, but since I don’t have a lot of faith, it’s easy for me to slide back into my old ways. So, regular prayer is going to be back on my to do list (it never left; it just wasn’t getting done).

Howver, it was probably the article I read on the bus on the way to work, the one that mentioned an artist’s blindness as a result of complications with diabetes that upset me. My mom is diabetic and everything from ads on tv about the disease to articles that casually throw in something like the above detail about the artist, always upset me. Did you hear of that computer programmer who designed something that would block Jus.tin Be.iber references from your computer screen? I want the same for diabetes (though knowing what is being blocked probably wouldn’t help; I want it to just remove the presence of the word). Again, I can’t control my mom’s condition; I can only help her with the part that I can control: help around the house so that she has more time and energy for exercise, or join her for exercise (a great suggestion from my colleague and from other friends who have heard my woes and seen me cry over this situation).

I’ve also been wanting to spend more QUALITY time with my parents. When I go over, it’s not at a planned time or day, so although they are usually there, sometimes they are not, or they have other things to attend to. I’d like to spend actual time with them, doing something they like and really relishing the time we have together. My colleague suggested setting a date for Sundays where I go over and help my mom cook meals for the week or for the next few days. I’m not a fan of the kitchen but since this isn’t about me, I think it’s a great idea, one I know my mom would appreciate.

I have also been lax at having siblings (and people generally) over. That has to change, even if it means I have to stop letting my dishes pile up before washing them, and even if it means I have to get my paper clutter under control. I want to socialize chez moi!

(Quick update on the exercising: I got back on that wagon on May 30, a Saturday (14 days later), skipped the Monday and Tuesday but managed to do it Wednesday and Thursday. I was really tempted to do it yesterday but I feeling very sore. I will do it today though. I also walked twice during the week!)

I’ve also eaten out a lot in the past week. In the past six months I’ve been eating out less, and I was actually enjoying the routine of coming home and using the meagre contents of my kitchen to whip up something and experiment a bit. Because I’ve been getting home later, and I still haven’t gotten used to taking the meat that I want to use for a meal out the night or morning before I need to cook it, I turned to mini egg rolls, potstickers and breaded chicken for dinner instead of rice with a healthy side of broccoli, or my new veggie, steamed spinach. The good news is that I’m nearly out of unhealthy frozen food so I’ll be keeping it out of the house, just like I need to do with candy.

I’m not pleased with the sharp increase in the cost of veggies but this is a case where I’ll have to “suck it up” and pay premium prices for food that will be good for my insides, even if it means paying $2 for a head of broccoli that I paid 79 cents for a month and a half ago.

Of the unhealthy decisions I have made regarding what I put into my mouth, sugar is probably the one having the greatest negative effect on my body (and if I’m not careful, eventually my health). I feel like I’m ruining my skin, especially my face. Subconsciously I’ve let that knowledge be balanced by the “fact” that darker skin seems to hold up better than fairer complexions against aging elements, and I sort of used that as an excuse to eat whatever crap I wanted. Now that I’m nearly 30.5, I can see my face losing its youthful look. I’m a dermatologist’s dream due to all the wonderful eruptions going on on my face: whiteheads, blackheads, random stray hairs, oiliness, pain pimples, enlarged pores, often going on at the same time. I pick the aforementioned, which results in scarring. I touch my face too much which only encourages new breakouts. And I haven’t used the products my dermatologist recommended to me with any regularity so it’s no surprise my face is upsetting me.

But the best thing about life is that you can almost always have a do-over. I know that I am addicted to sugar and until I can find a way to release myself from that dependency, I will face this struggle regularly. Nothing wrong with a little struggling; I just have to make sure I don’t let sugar win.

Since my mortgage payments will be starting soon (please God, please; also: more on this later), I need to look for opportunities to save money and this is an obvious one. I was looking forward to canceling my membership two days ago, but there was nobody at the gym with the authority to get things in motion. It was so disappointing. I managed to get it done yesterday.

For someone who has wanted to lose weight for a solid 18 years, canceling a gym membership seems counterintuitive, because without a membership, the chance that I’ll act on the urge to work out and head to the gym is much reduced. However, there are things I can do without a gym membership: walking is obvious, or perhaps running again. Also, my problem isn’t physical activity (though it is in desperate need of being increased, don’t get me wrong) so much as the quantity of unhealthy food that rhymes with ‘candy’ that I consume daily.

Another thing that will help is being carless. Although I don’t have an automobile, my parents had generously allowed me to use their second car while I got settled (and got most of my belongings moved). I think we originally thought within two weeks I’d return the car. Well nearly three months later, the ability to hop in “my” car when I felt like it has come to an end. It seems my brothers and sister need to practice their driving skills with it (seeing as that was the original purpose of the second car).

Having full access to the car made me lazier: for the last month I have been driving the car to the bus station and taking the bus from there because that meant I could sleep in a few more minutes. And on the way home I’d stop for groceries, when some of the stores are within walking distance of my house.

On a funny note, I need a scale and every time I go to Walmart to buy one, I end up picking up candy too. The shame of coming to the cash carrying both has made me return the former to its location twice now. Let’s hope there won’t be a third time.

(You don’t think 2 weeks of running makes it a lifestyle quite yet? Neither do I. It just sounds better that way.)

Anyway, I’m about to put myself back the bad books of all healthy folk so here goes. I’m no chocolate connoisseur—my penchant for sweet things is focused primarily on candy so I don’t have that deep abiding love for chocolate that my sister or other friends have. I never choose choco over candy, but when the craving hits and there’s a snowstorm outside and not a drop of candy anywhere, I gladly embrace chocolate. When my favourite chocolate (more on that later) isn’t in season, I will happily eat Hershey’s kisses (which is like drinking cooking sherry instead of a good red wine to my sister).

The only exception to my “candy first” rule is Pot of Gold chocolates. These chocolates have been around since 1928 and no Christmas season is complete without us giving and receiving these chocolates. The black box has a mix of dark and milk chocolates and a number of fillings including nuts, cherries (yuck), buttercream, coffee (yum), strawberry cream (yum!), and orange cream (yuuum!!). Whenever we’d get a box or buy one or two extra (oops!), I would eat the latter three flavours and leave the rest for my family to pick through. Then they changed the flavours in the black box and there weren’t as many of the creams as there used to be.

Two years ago, my sister discovered why they did this—they had created a whole box of assorted creams! When she came home from wherever she got them and presented me with the golden box, I couldn’t believe it. They couldn’t have made a more perfect box (I’ll forgive them for including those nasty buttercreams): finally I had a box of chocolates where I could eat 76% of its contents in one sitting over a few months!

My favourite by far is the orange creams, and depending my mood, the coffee-filled and strawberry cream jockey for second place in my affections. I tell each of them not to worry because when they’re slipping down my throat, they’re each my favourite. I was tempted to have one of each right now, just so I could photograph their yummy insides but I may have had enough for tonight.

Not that I have a box or two in my room or anything.

I thought I was oh so prepared for this day because I had actually done some things in advance:  I baked the squares earlier in the week, I knew where the punch bowl was, and I bought the ingredients for the punch and had them chilling in my fridge for a week or so.  Then Saturday morning arrived and I realized that buying the gift ahead of time would have been nice, as would choosing an outfit for the event and getting my hair “did”.

I managed to show up with everything I planned to bring, hair fairly tidy and in clean clothing.  I also brought along some marble magnets that I made in a peremptory move, without asking the Maid of Honour, our hostess, if it was ok as a mini favours for the guests.  I’m very much a last minute planner and the inspiration for the magnets hit me the morningnight before:

I was very pleased with the way that they turned out and the other guests and bride-to-be liked them too. 

The shower was lovely:  the MOH/hostess and her mom worked so hard and it showed.  The MOH’s mom’s home was the location and the house is just perfect for entertaining, and was tastefully decorated:  everything was very pretty.  We played a couple of games, mingled with other guests and enjoyed enough desserts to spoil my next five meals (though that didn’t stop me from continuing the binge). The few veggies I snarfed didn’t have a chance.

One of the games we played is one where you make a bridal gown from toilet paper. Here is my team’s bride:

I know, you were checking out those pretty rosettes at the back, right?  My idea and I made ‘em…and since you’ve twisted my arm, check out the close-up:

I know, stunning!

And what entry about a bridal shower would be complete without a gratuitous picture of the bride-to-be, looking pretty pleased to be there?

Oh weddings, how tumultuous they can be.  Although being the bride is a treat, being a MOH/bridesmaid comes with its own stresses because you want the wedding to be perfect for your friend and part of your desire for perfection is linked to the fact that you have certain ideas of how and when things should be done.  And 112 times out of 10, these ideas will diverge greatly from the bride’s ideas.  In all the weddings I’ve been involved in (three for those keeping score at home), I’ve become increasingly good at biting my tongue and smiling inanely, projecting sereneness and complete accord (just don’t look into my eyes lest you see them flash with barely concealed emotions).  But some magic happens:  after every wedding, when all the dust settles, I look back and see that the wedding turned out (usually) just as the bride wanted or expected.  And that’s always good enough for me.

A scorer and a perforator for making perfect folds in my cards, and perforating things as needed.

They look like glass globs but don’t be fooled! These are “crystals” that will be used in a craft “soon”.  I bought these ones on Friday so together they will make one happy family of “crystals”.

Pretty paper that was only a quarter each.  And double-sided!  I’m already regretting only buying four sheets but I do have a lot of paper already.

Glass globs!  They’re practically perfect (I think!) and I can’t wait to use them.  Walmart sells them for less than a dollar a pound!  I will be in heaven if they work for my purposes!

I also purchased some hair goop and comestibles which can’t be pictured because I’m in the process of weaning myself off of candy, an initiative that is working as well as my attempts to find a boyfriend and lose 100lbs.  I guess the weaning will start next week.  If only we had all the same flavours of Mike and Ikes here as they have there; then my roving eyes would have been able to avoid them entirely!

I had my first Target experience and it was enjoyable.  The store location that we went to had only been open for five days so it was still neat and clean.  Is it considered to be a step above Walmart?  Their scrapbooking/paper section isn’t that large but has pretty affordable paper…I couldn’t make up my mind so I left empty handed (until we reached the candy isle, that is).  I also found the book isles contained extremely affordable tomes and in retrospect I should have grabbed a book or two instead of being so focused on seeing what scrapbooking tools I could find.

Other milestones reached during this trip was ordering what is the smallest meal I’ve ever ordered at a restaurant:  an appetizer serving of quesadillas.  I was pretty full but I somehow made room for one of those Friendly’s sundaes.  Mmmm!

During the day I kept patting my ears to make sure the earrings were still there.

Then I went out walking at lunch time.

When I returned to the office and went to put my dirty cup into the dishwasher, my earring fell into the dishwasher. “How fortuitous!” I thought, “How wonderful that I lost the earring at work instead of when I was outside earlier in the day.”

Until a quick pat of my other ear confirmed what I should have known would happen: the other earring was gone too.

The earrings weren’t expensive (70% off!) but they had come with a necklace too so I wasn’t eager to duplicate the necklace (I suppose I could give it along with the spare earring to the next girl I meet sporting only one pierced ear because that’s all the rage right now). The plan was to pick up a new earring set yesterday at the mall where my part time job is.

On my way to work yesterday, I pulled out my extremely warm and thick scarf to protect my face from the elements and what should I see clinging firmly to the scarf but the other earring! It was a welcome surprise.

*
I went to a restaurant just over two weeks ago to celebrate the 30th birthday of a friend. The service I received at the restaurant was not memorable: the waitress forgot to take my order, forgot to bring me my drink, twice[it was only iced tea so I don't think she was exercising her right to cut me off the hard stuff]. I think she was perhaps overwhelmed by the size of our group and couldn’t get everything together and coincidentally all the errors or slow service affected me [I say this without sarcasm; sometimes things just happen that way].

I paid my bill, added a tip that reflected that I’ve had better service but I had no hard feelings, and went on my merry way. I received my credit card statement two days ago and I was surprised to see two charges from the restaurant: one was the total of my bill without tip, the other the amount with tip, the amount I remember paying. Puzzled, I consulted my bill [I keep all debit and credit card bills and compare them to my statements before throwing them away], only to discover what I suspected: the first charge was an accident.

Not known for mansuetude, I called the restaurant and explained my situation, and offered to come to their restaurant, credit card in hand, to get the matter sorted out. Instead, I was asked if I had dined with a large group (I had) and then told that one of my fellow diners was probably not charged. This was said accusingly, as if we had orchestrated it. What must have happened is that someone received and was asked to sign a VISA statement from my card! I think I should be worried that the wait staff don’t double check card numbers, or keep track of which cards they have swiped in connection with which bill! I was asked to fax the pertinent information to him which I did.

Now, remember my intuition from the day before? The one that told me that I’d lose my earring? That same feeling suggested that there is a chance that this restaurant might give me a hard time and to that end I should document everything. So instead of just faxing over my statement, I added a typed letter to this fax that detailed everything, and I made sure I had a confirmation that the fax went through. I had to call the restaurant back to obtain the name of the man who had talked to me and he gave me his first name. I politely asked for his last name, which he gave curtly and dropped the phone in such a way that it cut me off (!) and left me expressing my thanks to a dial tone.

Perhaps the professional tone of my letter (I know! Me? Professional?!??) worried him because I received a call today from a much politer version of this guy, asking me to call him so that we can fix this problem as soon as possible. I called him back and he said that he checked and indeed I had been doubly charged. He then offered me two options:

a) I go to my bank and get a “charge back” applied to my account

b) He mails (or I pick up) a gift card for the restaurant at a value approximately 6 dollars more than my over charge amount [to bring it to a nice round number].

He asked if I needed the money right now and suggested that if I didn’t (which I agreed with) then we could go with the gift card option. I agreed but then I remembered two things:

1. I have over a hundred dollars in gift cards from various places that I haven’t used, some for over two years. I ended up using one recently only because the giver asked me if I had used it and I felt a bit guilty. The problem isn’t that I don’t want to use the cards, but rather I never have them around when I want to use them!.

2. That was my first time going to that restaurant…there are a few other restaurants in that area that I frequent and there is nothing that would make me return to that restaurant over any of these others that I’m more familiar with so why should I have my money tied up with them?

So now I have to call the guy back and say “actually, the charge back option works best for me”. I feel bad but I always was the sort to act first, think later. And the cynic in me just thought of something else (belatedly as usual): with option b), they get extra money because they overcharged me AND they stand to get more money because now I have to go back there if I want to get my money back. So option a) is the only one that makes sense. If I choose to eat there again, at least it won’t be because I have to.

Important lessons learned:
*keep your receipts and scan your credit card statements from time to time
*if you don’t worry about something you’re looking for, you’ll probably find it sooner
*earrings are practical jokers

Update is here.

I do not enjoy eating almonds–the little bits of husk(?) get stuck on my teeth, the inner nut part gets stuck on my molars, and the taste is quite bland.  I love roasted Virginia peanuts, without salt, so maybe I should try roasting the almonds.  Also,  peanuts are oilier which definitely adds to my enjoyment of their taste, so maybe I should roast them in copious amounts of oil!

Other good for me foods that I eat, but don’t enjoy are baby carrots (I tolerate them far easier than almonds), celery, and bananas.  I don’t mind these foods but I certainly would never make them my first choice if I was faced with a cornucopia of options.

And bad for me foods that I eat daily regularly and enjoy?  Sugar (and its first cousins sucrose and fructose).

My addiction to sugar is a longstanding one, one that predates my love affair with blogging or chasing boys who have no interest in me.  It predates any and all acquaintance of me with my mother’s womb because that’s the only explanation for why the bond is this strong, and why I continue to consume candy like I do.

And by candy, I don’t mean chocolate.  If you give me chocolate, I’ll accept it and take it home to my sister who will descend upon it like a starving wild animal.  I can have chocolate in my room for ages without being tempted to nibble; put me in a room with a bag of skittles just inches away for three seconds and disable the use of my arms and I assure you: I will use whatever body part(s) needed to get that bag open and the sugary goodness coursing down my throat.  It’s that bad.

Sugary items that get my me salivating include:
Mike and Ikes
Skittles
scotch mints
Starburst
jelly beans

Needless to say, with the exception of the skittles gum, the picture below now best represents a fraction of the candy that I have consumed since Christmas (I’d rather not think of how much of a fraction it represents):

Clearly I’m in the need of professional help.  And quite honestly, how much of a chance does my bag of almonds stand against the colourful sugary sweetness?  Do they make candied almonds?

Instead of making this a jeremiad against the sugar makers of the world, blaming them much like some blame the tobacco companies for glamourizing smoking [although:  I can't say many commercials glamourize sugar consumption], and wailing about how I’m not liable in this addiction, I need to de-addict myself.  Why are the substitions for sugar so lame?  an orange instead of a bag of jelly beans?  Do people actually make this change cheerfully?  Come on now.

I’m a devotee of Lean Cusine’s Spa series, primarily because they have seafood, namely salmon and shrimp, in them.

To that end I highly recommend the  Asian citrus wild salmon and my personal favourite is the shrimp in a creamy seafood sauce because they do not skimp on the shrimp!  Honourable mention (particularly if you are fond of spinach) goes to the wild pacific salmon with basil.  I have not tried the fourth member of the pack, the Thai chicken yet because I’ve been all about the seafood lately.  If I’m not mistaken, all are made with whole wheat pasta too and have a serving of vegetables in them.

When coworkers see me eating my Lean Cusines, they comment on my ”healthy” eating.  Little do they know that I eat the lean versions because I find them tastier than their higher fat counterparts.  It’s got nothing to do with the health benefits, especially when I follow it down later on with a cookie or donut!