Several weeks ago, I decided that I was going to join Team Diabetes again and do the 5k run/walk that is coming up at the end of May. If I had signed up when I was planning to, I could have given the online training programs designed to get you from loafing on a couch to running five kilometres in 10 weeks a good try, and by now you would have read five or six entries about how difficult this regular exercise business is, much like last time.

But I didn’t sign up. Initially it was due to a glitch on the website but once that was cleared up I still dilly dallied and here we are, eight weeks before the race, me woefully out of shape and wondering what I should do.

If I sign up, I would want to beat my 2008 time (50 minutes, 4 seconds). However, I’m a few pounds heavier and I have not attempted to run for any reason in the past year, so I have my doubts. I would really be disappointed in myself if I didn’t do better this year and when you combine that with my charming habit of beating myself up, well, let’s just say “Jummy has issues” would not be something I’m unfamiliar with hearing.

I’m trying to figure out what to do. Do I sign up anyway because the training process (and the collection of money from sponsors) will force me to start walking/running regularly? Do I sign up for a later race for another cause and start training now anyway? Do I just get off my lazy butt, sign up for nothing and motivate myself to walk/run for 30 minutes each day?

The last answer would be best, and it’s abysmal how I can’t spare 30 measly minutes to do something that will improve my quality of life in the long term.

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Next in “bad Jummy” news, I have to confess that this week has not been a good one on the eating front. Since Sunday, lemon cream-filled cookies, chocolate chip cookie-squares, swedish berries, skittles, moccaccino granola bars and a handful of ju jubes have passed through my lips. Over the past two weeks I ate a whole loaf of bread, made into garlic bread. I wish I could say I stuck to the recommended serving size for any of these items but I didn’t.

I still eat vegetables with my dinner and only drink water with every meal and drink my tea unsweetened, but these good habits are completely overpowered this week. I started weighing myself daily too. I wish I was one of those people who became depressed when reading the number on the scale, but I’m not. Maybe if the number drops significantly and then starts creeping up, I’ll feel a twinge of something.

At work today a colleague came to ask if I wanted to go running with her during lunch to prepare for my upcoming race. I explained to her my dilemma regarding not having enough time to train and she told me not to beat myself up. I ended up deciding then and there not to sign up for the race. If I want to do something to help, I can volunteer at the water station. I will be joining my coworker in spirit though by going for a 30 minute walk while she runs. We’ll make an effort to leave the office at the same time so that we can hold each other accountable. We’ll see how long that works.

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I just finished reading Believe It, Be It by Ali Vincent. She’s the first female to win the grand prize in the television show The Biggest Loser and although I’m no devotee of the show, I have seen bits and pieces of various seasons of it. I enjoyed the book. It was a quick read and nothing that she shared was new to me, but she really focused on the title of the book: believing in yourself and not allowing fear hold you back from doing what you want and becoming what you want to be. A lot of overweight people use fear to keep them from committing to the weight loss, and I am no exception. The book made me think about my fears and belief in myself, and whether I truly believe that I can lose the weight.

I can lose the weight. I believe that with few exceptions we can do anything we put our mind to. But I let the fact that it will be hard, it will be long, it will be grueling, it will hurt keep me inert, rather than focusing on the infamous and oft-mentioned baby steps as the way to make progress. This willingness to quit when the going gets tough developed after I did the opposite in university. University really affected my self confidence and instead of using my triumph over failure to spur me on to complete other challenges, I have somehow used it as a “I felt (and still feel) like crap about how the whole situation went down and I don’t ever want to feel that way again, even if the end result will be finally reaching my goal”. It’s interesting how that experience has had the opposite effect on me.

Filed under: flab gab, Goals, Health by jummy