If you have seen me in person since last Wednesday, you’d probably have been tempted to stuff a rag in my mouth because I cannot stop talking about the book I’m reading, Lori Gottlieb’s Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough (the book I mentioned the other time). The book is a revelation in some ways, despite having read the author’s article and an article about the author and this particular book. I find myself holding back giggles while reading on the bus because of the author’s writing style (she’s funny). I’ve also found myself nodding in agreement, feeling like some of the things I’ve been told in the past about being more open is finally sinking in.

Most of all, I’ve found myself feeling grateful that I found the book at this age and not ten years from now. It honestly feels like how you’d feel if you went to the doctor for your annual physical and the doctor said “Hey, I have this neat little gadget here that spots the fatal sort of brain aneurysm months ahead of current technology. I know you’re not at all at risk but for fun, can I try it on you? I’m just too excited to wait for a more at-risk patient to come in.” You know where I’m going with this…the doctor uses the gadget and you find out that the gadget just saved your life. Dramatic, of course, but that’s my style, isn’t it?

The book is not telling women to settle, but it’s telling women to be realistic. A friend that I was gushing to online asked me to share just one thing I had learned and this is how that went:

Me:
just everything
our sense of entitlement
the fact that we see our “quirks” as cute and the fact that we’re the ones saying “hell no!” to guys as a sign that we’re fine the way we are and they are the ones who are flawed
when really they are just less picky than we are

She:
wow
guilty

That snippet probably doesn’t make sense (we might have our own way of communicating?) but I have noticed through reading this book that I have a sense of entitlement, at least in small measure. I don’t have a lot of body confidence but I know that I am a great human being. I’m not better than all my friends who are married but I know that I am not worse than them, meaning they are not married because they are better than me. I’m nice (most of the time), sometimes kind, very eager and willing to help, sometimes funny. I have family values and I was raised right. I don’t think I have a lot of obvious deal breakers. On the flip side, I know I’m unreasonable and bossy and set in my ways and somewhat used to getting my own way with some people, but deep down I see those as “cute quirks”, “part of what makes me me“, “take it or leave it” things, and I expect family and friends to do just that (of course they take it). And I see them taking it as proof that it’s not really that bad/bothersome to them…when really my loved ones probably just realize that a few ‘imperfections’ isn’t reason to toss the whole person.

But when it comes to guys, their less than wonderful traits or personality oddities aren’t seen as “cute quirks” by me…ever. I see them as huge gaping flaws that cannot be accepted because well, I can do better than a guy who doesn’t carry a wallet or who has a high-pitched voice. See what I mean by sense of entitlement? Instead of giving guys the same benefit of the doubt that my loved ones give me, I automatically discard them and scream “Next!”

(This may seem like I’ve suddenly lost all sense of being selective and having standards, but I assure you I haven’t. The book itself, despite its title, does not advocate putting up with someone you feel like you’re settling for, it’s more about looking at yourself and making sure that you’re not being unreasonable about what you expect because of an over-inflated sense of how fantastic you are.

The other thing that is hard to get used to is the idea of giving people more than one or two dates to grab your attention. A date that’s bland or boring doesn’t always mean the person cannot ever be your type. When friends have told me in the past that “Maybe he was just nervous/Maybe he doesn’t do well on first dates/Maybe you didn’t see his true self”, I thought they were telling me to settle. But going on a second date with someone who didn’t wow me on Date #1 isn’t settling, it’s being reasonable and accepting of the fact that we are freaking humans.)

I’m just past halfway through the book and when I’m finished I’m going to read/skim it again, making sure I note all the parts that will be easy to forget if I get asked out by a lackluster fellow and I’m tempted to be insulted by it.

A colleague bought the book and we’re kind of reading the book together, and sharing parts that have struck us. She suggested I share passages that impacted me and sort of give my interpretation or relate them to my life, and that is what you have to look forward to here for the next little while.

I was watching a show on hoarding last night, and this reasonably attractive guy in his mid 40s brought his girlfriend to his home for the first time. His home was in shambles. This woman appeared to be in her 40s as well, she was well dressed, owned her own home and was clearly well off. She wanted a man but didn’t need him to give her the kind of life (at least from a financial sense) that she wanted. After seeing how he lived, she decided he had serious issues and it was best to cut her losses.

I definitely think it’s her decision to make, and since I didn’t watch the show from the start, I don’t know if they had been dating for two weeks, months or years. What I do know is the following statement she made elicited a response from me that the pre-Gottlieb Jummy would not have recognized. She said “He isn’t going to change and I’m not going to accept that in my life.” Pre-Gottlieb Jummy would have cheered at the last half of that statement.

But the new me seems more sympathetic. The man is on this show, and as far as I can tell, he wasn’t nominated. He knows he has a problem and has made at least a feeble step toward getting help for it. The “new” me, in the same situation, especially if we had been dating for a while, would give the guy a reasonable time to change, and be willing to work it out before tossing the guy. If he can’t change, I know I would not be able to accept the condition of the house, but I would give him a chance.

Giving men a second chance? I almost don’t recognize myself!

Filed under: Love?, Reading & Writing by jummy