Thankful and love-seeking
March 6, 2010
I wrote most of this entry a week ago, and I’m only getting around to posting it now.
I’m so thankful for the comments that were left on my last entry. The encouragement and kindness you showed, in spite of the fact that a lot of the entry is repetitive, is very touching. I will be reading the comments over and over as I try to keep myself on the right path. I also want to send you each a personal reply and I have sent a couple so far.
I was so excited to have three awesome ladies come over this past Saturday evening a full week ago for a much-needed girl’s night. We dined out then came back to my place for dessert and hot drinks. We had so much to talk about (it had been a while) and at the end of the evening I felt like I knew a lot more about at least two of them than I knew before. There were a couple of emotional moments, inevitable perhaps when you have so much history with someone.
I steered the conversation toward relationships, particularly this idea of settling and knowing when someone is the right for you. Of all my friends in my age range, only one pursued love the way our mothers may have, with a focus on picking someone that you could build a good life with and who you cared for rather than looking for that undefinable “zing”. I’m completely on the fence about this idea. I mean she wasn’t repulsed by him when she met him but he wasn’t the kind of guy she imagined she’d end up with. She says she loves her husband more every day, and for her that’s what makes sense, the idea that the spark or sizzle may not be there in full force on day one but grows from day to day and week to week, rather than it being overwhelming at the beginning of the relationship and then fading over time. I have always thought that spark is what makes you decide to get to know the person more and see if they have staying power, so I don’t know anymore.
I recently read a magazine that interviewed Lori Gottlieb, a woman who wrote a controversial article on this idea of settling, and I’m eagerly awaiting her book on the topic (Marry Him: The Case For Settling for Mr. Good Enough). The book is out but I’m borrowing it from the library so I have to wait and I can pick it up next week because I got the notification email from the library yesterday that it is in! Gottlieb thinks that women of today in their 30s have a sense of entitlement, where they think they should be able to find a man who has everything on their list, and also have that zing, chemistry or spark too. She finds that these women are unwilling to compromise and they are asking for more than is realistic, given what they actually want from marriage – a companion, someone they can build a life with and share common goals and of course, love with.
To be fair, she’s not recommending women “settle” for crap. What we ladies agreed on is you cannot feel like you’re settling: yes, the guy you end up dating longterm or marrying may not physically resemble who you thought you’d be with, he will likely not be as good on the some fronts as you hoped he would be and he may not have that sarcastic sense of humour you thought was so crucial, but you must feel like he’s still right for you. There must be more positives than negatives.
As a woman in my early 30s who knows she wants to get married, I’ve been thinking a lot about my expectations and desires of marriage, and trying to see if I’m being unreasonable. I am a generally demanding and unreasonable person, so this introspection is required. My desire for a fellow Nigerian, nay, one from the same part of Nigeria as I, is extremely picky, but my list of non-negotiables is very reasonable (no smokers, druggies, alcoholics or men with a history of any sort of abuse). Of course I have other desires in a mate but I’m somewhat flexible on them and trying to be more so as time goes on. And I’m increasingly willing to compromise on nationality if everything else more or less checks out.
I’ve thought about the guys I’ve gone on dates with in the last year and I remain content with my decision to not pursue anything (though I suspect Gottlieb would probably say they all deserve at least one more date, even the one who cancelled the date at the last minute). If I’m honest, the last guy I went on a date with would probably fit the bill but my heart isn’t in it for some reason.
I’m looking forward to reading the book and hopefully gaining some insight regarding what I should be focusing on as I seek a life partner (that phrase makes me feel about 60 years old).
How did you know your significant other was the one for you?
http://blog.christianitytoday.com/women/2010/03/nick_waters_is_your_average.html
I might not really qualify to answer this question, because I met Troy when I was 19 and we got married a few days before my 21st birthday. But I can kind of relate to what you’re talking about because of how Troy and I started dating.
When Troy and I met he had just broken up with the woman he was engaged to, and I had broken up with my high-school sweetheart. I was NOT interested in dating, and even if I had been, Troy was the LAST person I would have thought of dating. He was a really nice guy, but not someone I would have imagined myself dating at all. We were friends and co-workers for a few months, then good friends for a couple of months, and then people started asking me if we were dating, which I laughed off. Troy and I had actually talked about how great it was to just be good friends and not worry about all that dating crap, so we thought the questions about dating each other were hilarious.
Then one day I thought, “You know, Troy is such a good guy and we get along so well, maybe we *should* try dating. Maybe we’ll miss out on something really great if we don’t at least try.” I took a deep breath and talked to him about it, and he agreed with me that it would be worth a shot. So we switched our paradigm from friendship to dating. (Yes, we really are nerds, and we really did talk about it that way!)
In the end, it was a much easier switch than I ever imagined it would be. We knew within a couple of weeks that we would get married, which was amazing to us even at the time. And although in the beginning it was just friendship and respect and a rational decision to build on that, once we opened ourselves to the possibility there were definitely sparks. Lots of them. :-)
So I guess the moral of this story is, be open to possibilities that don’t seem like your ideal relationship because you never know how it’ll turn out in the end. Or something like that.
I don’t have a signifant other but I can attest to meeting and really liking someone who was not my “type”. After liking Dan, I will never not give someone who is outside of my type-zone a chance.
That books perspective sounds interesting. I hope you do a review. Another issue about people in their 30’s is that we get more stuck in our ways and is harder on people who fall short of our expectations. Someone told me this last year and he was so right.
For me it was a bunch of little things. But I think one huge factor was how comfortable I felt around Torsten from the very beginning. I’m an introvert in that I need to be by myself to recharge. But I also recharge when Torsten is there. I’m as comfortable with him as I am by myself.
And also, he was the first guy I’d ever shared a bed with and actually slept. Whenever I’d slept over with other boyfriends I’d tossed and turned all night and slept incredibly poorly. With him, the first time we spent the night I fell asleep right away and woke up the next morning totally refreshed.
I hate the term “settling” what I feel like women often need to do is just open up their search terms (so to speak) to find a great guy. I think romantic comedies have made The Guy seem like he needs to be able to check off all of these amazing things.
Is inspector climate the man I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with? No, but do I think so now – yeah. The reason he makes me feel safe and so comfortable. I get to be the best version of me when I am with him…
It is a cliché, but I fall in love with friends. People who already get me, who know my oddities and still like me and people who share my tastes.
As for how I knew my wife and boyfriend were for me? I just did. I felt cared about, safe, accepted, attractive and wanted. And I didn’t have to wear a mask or pretend to be something I wasn’t. They just like me for who I am.
Are you friends with any men? If not, try to cultivate some.
He was easy to get along with. We never grew tired of each other’s company. I know for a lot of couples (probably most) that isn’t really the case, and they still might have successful relationships – but for us, we just like being together.
It wasn’t that simple from the beginning. We went through many years and some big and small bumps to finally realize what was important to us.
But I guess the one for you is just the one you never want to break up AND you never DO break up with. :)
No smokers!! Married to an ex-smoker.
No druggies!! Married to the ex-pothead.
No heavy drinkers!! Yeah, well, he did that too.
And….I’m a stepmom (as you already know that story, J.).
10 years we’ve known each other this June. 7 years of long distance on again off again love, 6 hour phone calls until 5am, $600USD phone bills (good thing my mother-in-law reeeeaaaaaly likes me!), one move to Detroit, and one small child. And through it all, it was the endless conversations about everything and anything that triumphed over all the above. I don’t have to be anything or anyone I’m not. Not that we didn’t have disagreements about certain things, but he knows what I’m willing to change and what just is and accepts that, and the things that he does push on are the things that I know I need to be pushed on too. It’s not the person you can live with, it’s the one you can’t live without. i.e. who did he call the morning of Sept 11, 2001? ME! Your path to love will (hopefully for your sake) be different than mine, but I hope the elements of hope, positive change, respect, laughter and being able to be “in your own skin” will be there for you too.