On truly trying
February 24, 2010
I went out for a drink with two colleagues yesterday, and spent a couple of hours discussing weight issues and food addiction with one of them. It was really interesting to be able to find a common ground regarding how we regard food, and how this view of food is noticeably different from our friends who are at healthy weights. I was able to share frankly with her things like I know the reason I have not really ever committed to losing weight is fear.
I’m afraid that I’ll fail. That I’ll be the girl who loses a noticeable amount of weight and is praised for it, only to become the girl who gains it all back (and then some?) and is mocked for it (behind my back, of course). My colleague’s response was “So what? How is that different from being known now as the fat girl?” I would rather be known as the girl who tried and failed, than the girl who never really tried.
And on this topic of failure, I have to accept that I will fail. I will slip, slide backwards, make bad decisions on the weight loss journey; that’s about the only guarantee. How I react and treat myself following these falls is what will ultimately determine my success. Failure and success are intertwined; if only I could remember that every time I moan about my fear of failure.
The other thing I’m afraid of is the fact that I’ll change and how this new me might affect some my relationships. When a family friend of ours lost 94 pounds, her personality changed. Always gregarious and easy going, she become a bit standoffish and aloof. The same thing happened with another family friend who lost over 60 pounds. It was striking and I didn’t like it. But if I think about it more logically, maybe the change was their reaction to people’s mouths literally falling open when they’d behold their new figure. Or maybe once they reached that healthier weight, they no longer felt they had to be the funny, gregarious person (because fat people do very often compensate by being the funny, self-deprecating, joke-cracking person in the group). Maybe in both cases this more distant person is her true self that had been hiding all along.
Despite my fears at having to deal with relationships that might change because I might change, I know it’s silly to let that stop me from actually trying. For all my blog entries on the matter, I still feel like I have barely tried, probably because I equate trying to lose weight with words like “hard”, and “deprivation”, and I am not exactly known for depriving myself, be it by setting a strict budget that I have to follow or by limiting what foods I can eat. I have made baby steps though, and turned these steps into habits: I no longer add sugar to my tea or coffee (though I will sometimes add sweetener to my coffee). About a month ago, out of habit, I added sugar to my tea and my sister was taken aback and my own disappointment with myself that I slipped. I only drink water with my lunches instead of juice or iced tea, I’ve reduced my rice consumption and every dinner must have a significant vegetable component. I eat heart-healthy nuts on a regular basis. I make greater efforts to take the bus that won’t bring me directly to my front door, meaning that I get at least a short walk during the day.
But areas for improvement are many: my physical activity is still too low, I still have unopened exercise DVDs that need to be used to be effective, I don’t get anywhere near 10 servings of vegetables each day, and I am lacking in whole grain and fibre intake. And it’ll come as no surprise to you that my candy consumption remains high (my biggest struggle).
I booked my annual physical exam yesterday; it’s six weeks away. I am a praying girl so I will be praying that the small changes I’ve made will result in good readings all around, just like last time, and maybe even better results if I’m diligent.
My challenges can be summarized in the following: I need to eat less sugar and exercise more often, with a goal of making both of these actions into habits. Emma provided me with some great links on going sugar free, and I need to give them a good read and see if those tactics could work for me. I need to stop setting myself up for failure by keeping a wide assortment of cookies, candies and baked goods in the house, like a squirrel storing up nuts for the winter, and instead allow my need for them to dictate whether I’ll drag my butt out in the freezing cold to get a bag of skittles. I need to stop letting my attempts to exercise stop in the thought stage and embrace the “I’ll try it for 5 minutes and if I still don’t feel like doing it I’ll stop” attitude.
It’s worth a real try.
(Those of you who have read similar entries are rolling your eyes and saying “This again?”, but this is part of my journey to a healthy weight. I am not one of those people who can say “I am going to lose 100lbs”, and week after week report that I’m well on my way. I am the girl who has to constantly remind herself that she needs to start somewhere before actually taking that first step. I am the girl who will take many first steps but move backwards before she actually moves ahead. And that’s ok.)
When I read your posts about these topics, I feel…well…excited. I have this urge to run over there and join you!! (But it's a little too far to run. ;)
I know how much of a struggle this has been and I don't want to downplay that.
I'm just excited, because I BELIEVE you are on the path to something new and wonderful.
GOOD WORK with the changes you have already made! Did you tell us about those here before? If so, I think I missed them. Tells us so we can cheer you on!
I've lost 75 pounds since my surgery, and more than that overall since my highest weight, and I don't think I've changed at all, personality-wise. Truly, I can't think of any changes, and I don't think any of my friends or family members would either. It doesn't have to change you unless there's something about you that you've been wanting to change and haven't, you know?
I totally agree with Emma, I wish we could take this journey together in person! I think it would be a lot easier if you had someone to actively work through the challenge with you.
As per the personality change, weight loss usually brings confidence but I don't think it completely changes one's personality.
Your goals are my goals too! I always eat too much sugar, and lately I never get enough exercise.
Re: the personality change, I know from talking to my mom and my aunt about this (they've both been overweight most of their lives) that sometimes being fat is easier because it's like armor in a way. People have different expectations and reactions to fat people than to average-sized or thin people. If you lose weight and fall into the conventionally-pretty standard, you're bound to get more attention, particularly from men. So if you don't want to deal with that attention, it's easier to just gain the weight back. Or something like that.
I was overweight in my early teen years, normal in high school, college and through my early 20s, slightly overweight in my late 20s…and then I gained waaaay too much weight when I had Annalie. I've been between 20-40 pounds overweight ever since. I don't like it. But I like to bake and eat and I don't like to exercise. I'm relatively fit, though, so I can usually ignore the extra weight. But I know I can't keep ignoring it. It's not good for me, I'll be 35 this year and I know it's only harder to lose weight the older you get. *sigh*
Anyway. I just wanted you to know that you are definitely not alone in this. And even though I've not been commenting much lately I'm still reading and praying for you. :-)
Hey lady. I can't just read and not comment on this, I know we've talked about this topic many times.
1. I think it's GREAT that you are so aware of the details, how you feel, want to feel, what's holding you back etc. While thinking of reasons/solutions won't change a thing, you can't change what you don't acknowledge (that's the quote, right? I think I make some up up sometimes!)
2. FAIL – I gasped when I read this…I remember ages ago (years?) having a conversation and saying to you…Jummy, you know what I think your problem is? I think you are afraid of failure. If you don't try, you can't not do well at it! So….I AM A FRICKING GENIUS!!! I should be a PSYCHIATRIST!!! lol. Ok, kidding aside…I did see that in you…only cause I have that in me as well. I know that saying you are going to lose 100lbs sounds daunting so why don't you set baby goals that are totally attainable? Say….lose 5lbs. Succeed? Lose 5 more. That's really easy to do by even making some small changes (like you've already started to do…tea, no sugar etc, good for you BTW!!!)
3. I wanted to share some tips for you re: lowering the sugar intake (I could never cut out sugar, but I have stopped eating candy, as you know, unless it's given to me). We have NO candy in the house since New Years and of course I often want something sweet…so I need to be creative. I will have a bowl of Fruit Loops, fruit salad from a can, yogurt with some chocolate Quik powder on it. Yes, it's still sugar but it's not candy and there's some nutritional value to the snack as well. You also feel better mentally for knowing I'm not caving and eating junk. Anyways, thought I'd share my tips.
4. You have to want it bad enough – I've said that before too.
5. I simply cannot see you changing into a snooty, hootchy skinny chick! You'll always be chatty, lovely, fun-loving Jummy.
6. You CAN do it. Baby steps. I know you can. Give it a shot…it'll be hard, you will have mini failures, of course you will…but ultimately, you WILL succeed.
Jummy, once again you are being hard on yourself. At least you are thinking of and taking action steps to your goal of losing weight. I know how hard it is to start and acheive this goal. I found that working out was really beneficial. Instead of starting out like a gang buster in the fitness department, start with something mild. I used Leslie Sansone products for the 1st yr I started working out then moved on to more challenging things. I still use Leslie all the time.
As for the sugar, I dont have much advise since I love sweets but things like cake and muffins. :) I limit myself to something sweet once every 2 weeks. I tried once a month thing in the summer and it was pretty good so I might restart.
As long as you start to do something you will achieve your goal. Look, you wanted a house and you set things in motion to attain it. Voila, you are a home owner. You refused to pay full price for things like a TV and you did it! I am sure you are very successful in most areas of your life, just try to transfer some of this energy into the fitness dept. I think you have the food thing down pat. Sweating will make a world of difference. I also agree with Shannon in setting smaller goals.
And, I personally like reading these kinds of posts. It means that I am not the only person out there who has challenges. We are all human and can rely on each other.
I believe you will truly try and I will help in any way I can. And I have a strong feeling that you will NOT change who you are. Your personality is too much a part of you to be connected to anything weight. I have faith in you.
I won a blog award that I am passing onto you!
You Definitely can do it! Its good you already started making small changes, just keep that momentum going
Personality change for you? Nope, don't see it. Change in confidence? Yes. Change in perspective about yourself? Yes. Change in how you carry yourself? Yes. Change in the fear that someone would only want to be with you because they like the larger ladies? Yes. Change because it means that you could no longer put your life on hold? Yes. Change you because you will have the ability to do things physically that you cannot do now? Yes. Change you because it will allow you to learn some new skills and ways of doing things? Yes. Change the fact that you will live longer? Yes. Change the fact that you will have more money in your pocket? Yes!!
Change the fact that you will still help others around you? Nope. Change the fact that you care deeply for your family members? Nope. Change the desire to have a strong relationship and a loving family that you have created? Nope. Change the relationship you have with your faith? Nope. Change your friends who already care about you for who you are? Nope.
If you are willing to do it, we can work on it together when I get back this summer.