Conflicting invitations dilemma
October 17, 2009
I have a dilemma that happens to me often enough to be called a dilemma. It irritates me because it seems like the people around me have found a way of dealing with it in a way that works for them but I clearly have not.
Here’s how it goes: a friend will invite me to an event and give me a lot of advance notice (3-4 weeks at least). Before accepting the invitation, I will make sure that it doesn’t conflict with any major events in the lives of my family and closest friends. If I think there might be a conflict, I try to make an educated guess as to the day/time my family/friend might have their event and sometimes even ask them when their event might be, and let the friend who invited me whether or not I can attend their event based on this.
And without fail, my closest friends will be unable to have their event when they would normally have it and they will want to have their event on the same day that I’ve already committed to attending the other event, at an awkward time that I would never have guessed I’d have a time conflict (recent example 9:30am on a Sunday!!???!!! Is this a sign that we are getting old that we’re meeting in the morning on a weekend?)! And to make matters worse, I’ll get the latter invitation a few days before the event which would make backing out of the previous invitation not only rude but impossible according to the way I roll (I think it’s beyond rude to decline an invitation you previously accepted because someone you’re closer to plans something at the last minute anyway, so I try never to do it unless it’s an emergency or something like the birth of a child). (That doesn’t mean I can’t be irked that I have to feel something very close to guilt for not being able to attend the second event, apparently.)
And to make matters worse (for me) I’m always the only one who seems to be unable to make it on short notice. All the other people seem to have planned for this unexpected event and are therefore able to make it. And the next time I see them, I am asked why I wasn’t at such and such an event (it’s the mutual friends asking, not the person who was hosting the event because I always tell them why I can’t make it). Guilt-like feelings ensue (though I am against feeling guilty so I try to explain the logistical obstacles in a matter-of-fact way).
Whenever I make the mistake of mentioning the situation to my sister, she says I should attend the event of the person I’m closest to. Simple, right? But to me it’s really rude to decline an invitation at the last moment because “something else came along”.
What I’m going to do in this particular case is attend the event I previously committed to, have a great time and find another time to spend with my friend. It’s the best solution but I’m always left feeling like the bad friend (by no one by myself, let me be clear).
What do you/would you/have you done in a similar siutation?
To be a person of integrity is to be a person who follows through on the things/events that she committed to. Although you may be closer to the person whose event came up/changed last minute, it is not your fault that they couldn't/didn't plan better. There are times when you will have to disappoint the person that you committed to four weeks ago, but there does come a point where you must disappoint those who are closer to you because they made the assumption that you would "just be there". It is a form of rudeness by assuming that you had nothing else planned in your schedule, and that you would appear at their will. Now if family/friends are sick, etc. and need your attention/help that is different, but if they inform you of their wedding/child's baptism/housewarming party/etc. only 3 days in advance, you will have to choose between the events. You should also make it known to family/friends that you are a planner and need to know in advance and that you do make prior commitments to people in sharing your presence with them. Ask the closer people to inform you of possible dates for events, even if they haven't solidified them yet, so you can at least say to 4-week-in-advance person that you will pencil them in but expect a family function that week/day so they are aware of your obligations and you will feel less guilty if you do have to back out! It's a question of respect for you and your schedule!
I would do what you're doing. If there were a really exceptional last-minute thing (i.e. best friend suddenly decides to permanently leave the country, this is last chance to get together) then I could see canceling on the first event. But normally I would say to the last-minute organizer that I was really sorry, but I already had other plans and could we get together some other time.
I find it odd that the close friend/family member only thinks to tell you about their event a few days before. When I'm close with someone I usual end up pestering them to let me help with the day.
Other than that, I think you're doing the right thing. If I invited you to an event and you accepted a month before I'd be sad if you cancelled at the last minute regardless of the reason. But it would hurt more if it were because a better offer came along.
OMG, I'm going through the same thing right now!
I agree with you: You must attend the event that you confirmed attendance at first.
My own dilemma was this: Made plans with friend A at ten o'clock Thursday night, confirmed that those would be my plans. Ten o'clock Friday morning, an invite came to go to a conflicting event.
I honestly feel that you just have to go to whatever you first agreed to go to regardless of the second invite. ("I know I said I'd come to your thing, but something better/more important came along, sorry!")
I know that this happens more often to you than to me, but it is annoying. I've recently made it a goal to become more social and less reclusive, so I do have a relatively full social calendar and if conflicting events come up, I just explain that I have something booked on whatever day.
I often feel that it is just easier to be a recluse, but perhaps that is just me. Sigh.