And so I wait, cradling the tiny speck of hope in my hands
September 27, 2009
Oh you are too good to me. Even though I know it’s my blog and I can whine all I want, sometimes I try to spare you. But I am by nature selfish, so no more! Sometimes reading about someone else’s problems can make you feel better anyway; that will be my gift to you.
[Oh! I don't know if I've ever mentioned it before but my "Nigerian" blog, Good Naija Girl, has a weekly feature where I reflect on what I'm thankful for. You might wonder why I don't do that on this blog but I got inspired to post the weekly series based on some people in the community that I met through the other blog. You can see my thankful posts here.]
It’s Sunday evening (fine, technically early Monday morning now) and I’m sad. Have you ever had one of those times where you feel like you won’t feel better until you cry (or at least tear up)? That would be me at this moment. And what could be causing my pain but the issue of being single? Grey’s Anatomy’s McDreamy (Derek) is not helping either, despite being a fictional character on television (I’m still on season three so please, no spoilers please. I don’t want to learn that he becomes a jaded cad who ruins Meredith’s life).
I’m sick of it! It’s not fair! I continue to flip-flop between thinking it’s about time, that I’ve waited long enough, etc, and feeling like it makes perfect sense that I’m single because all I need is a pen, a sheet of paper and 5 seconds, and I can give you ten reasons why I’m single (and deserve to be so).
I’m still online dating but aside from this date and this date earlier this summer, I haven’t been out with anyone. I’m fine with that because nobody that I’ve talked to through the site has intrigued me enough to want to meet them. When I talk to guys online, I’m looking for quick wit, reasonable attention to detail (ie my profile) and a good command of the English language in both his profile and our exchanges. I know that for some, the internet is not where they shine, so I have been open to talking to anyone whose profile doesn’t clash completely with mine (ie, he says he’s not religious while I say that my religion is an important part of who I am and something I’d want to share with a significant other). I know a month or so ago I was starting to feel like there might be a guy out there who could fall for me exactly as I am but recent happenings have convinced me that it was a temporary glitch and I’m back to adding “guys might actually want to date me” to my list of reasons to lose weight.
(And I’m currently not losing weight because I have been incredibly lazy, and I have eaten candy on several occasions in the past few weeks. Mini-triumph: it’s less than I normally eat; a lot less. I also haven’t been exercising and still don’t want to join a gym or even go walking. And yes, this is my petulant child impersonation. I seem to be a natural at it.)
One thing I’ve always known about myself is that if you dangle a Nigerian guy with a quick wit and a smidgen of flirtatiousness in my direction, I will cleave to him like he’s my lifeline and assume he’s planning our wedding in his head when we talk. I will take the tiniest specks of attention and affection, and magnify them to skyscraper proportions. I blame the lack of men in my life for this susceptibility, and it’s something I try hard to avoid by putting in place rules to govern my conduct with guys I barely know. I try to be practical but am I really expected to remain composed when faced with a witty guy whose command of the English language gets my heart racing? I shouldn’t be, and I always end up doing something I regret. But to be honest, in this particular case that’s on my mind,iIt was not what I said so much as how I looked that took me out of the running (if I ever was in any respect other than in my own head).
Oh, have I mentioned that all my friends seem to be coupled up and multiplying? God help me!
I know the solution to what ails me: lose the weight (for me! Only for me!), sign up for something I’m interested in, find ways to occupy my time such that I’m not thinking about being single, focus on accomplishing all the life goals and creative goals I have in mind, live my life to the fullest. And when I least expect it, the guy that’s meant for me will come along. I’d like that in writing please.
I don’t know how to console you so I will only say, you are not alone in these feelings. A lot of people go through them and deal. All I can say is that if you keep yourself busy and do things for yourself, I am sure what you need will just happen. Have a good cry if need be, wipe your tears and move on. I am sure everyone goes through periods of feeling down. I know I do.
Sometimes a good cry is what you need to feel better. I like what you said about the losing weight be for YOU. And only. Love yourself first, everyone else comes second.
I used to think I had to lose weight to get guys to want to date me, too. And I then I was lucky enough to find someone who wanted to be with me even though I was fat. And I think you should be able to find someone like that too. But I can totally understand why you feel like you need to lose weight first. It certainly would make things a lot easier.
I do the same thing. Put a farmer with a pickup truck in front of me and suddenly I think that just because he stops in his tractor to talk to me about anything under the sun, it means that he loves me and wants me to have his babies. Farmer babies, with John Deere hats and a love of backyard fires and four wheel drive. Oh, how I would love those little farmer babies.
I think you should go ahead and weep with abandon. I do it frequently. I plan out my weeping, like, I’ve had a bad day, nobody loves me, and I DESERVE TO LIE IN MY FLANNEL JAMMIES AND WEEP.
And after you’re done weeping, and you’ve put your pillow case in the wash because that much weeping surely warrants washing, you should call me and we should have dinner and laugh about our weeping.
No matter what you say about yourself, no matter how much you brush me off, I firmly believe and I will continue to say that you WILL FIND the person who you will love and who will love you as much as you deserve to be loved.
That’s just how great you are.
(((((((((Jummy)))))))))))))
Sometimes we know what to do, but we just don’t…i will be praying you get the will to do that which you need to do…and for some other things i won’t mention…:-)
And oh i forgot to add this…Jummy, you’re so lovable wonderful that a man can and will love you just for who you are!!!
Aw! I am feeling the same way. It’s exhausting being single and sometimes a good cry IS in order. How sexy is a man who can speak english? I just had to delete a contact on the dating site I’m on because I was so annoyed at his use of “kool” I know that seems petty and childish – but you can’t trust a person that says “kool.”