Plus size dating
July 19, 2009
First dates with someone you meet online are scary: between wondering if they’ll be the same person in person as they are online and hoping they don’t secretly enjoy chopping up naive women for fun, when you’re plus size you have to wonder if their initial first reaction will show obvious disgust because you’re bigger than they expected.
That is why I think it is so important to post pictures on dating profiles, especially if you are a larger person. In the past, I have gone the extra mile and shared pictures of me beside friends who are not plus size with potential beaus to avoid the possibility of him seeing pictures of me and somehow imagining away 50lbs of my bulk between his viewing of the picture and our meeting. Isolated pictures of a large person who happens to “carry her weight well” can be deceiving.
While I know my weight is possibly a significant factor in why I have so skillfully (hah!) eluded marriage, the thought of seeing a guy’s eyes express his dismay when he beholds me is something I’d like to avoid if I can. This is why I have always hoped that I’d be asked out in scenarios normal women face regularly (or in the movies): at a mutual friend’s party, while in a mall, at work, or at a festival, anywhere, because then after he has asked for a date I wouldn’t have to ask myself “What if he thinks I’m bigger than he expected?” because he would have already seen me.
But since that wasn’t happening, I went online, and I put up my usual “real” picture. But this time around I also put up some flattering pictures:
If I can be allowed a vain moment, I look unusually good (for me) in this picture: I don’t look as large as I am, my arms don’t look as jiggly as they are, I’m not wearing my crooked glasses, and the expression and pose turned out rather cute. I didn’t actually wear those shoes out (this was December 31, 2008) as I would have likely cracked my head open, slipping on snow and ice, and I kept my shrug on most of the evening because it was FREAKING COLD that December night, but the above is a flattering picture of Jummy, showing a side of her even she had never seen before (causing her to speak about herself in the third person).
Another picture from that magical evening:
Prior to my date with the first guy I met through the site, I reminded him of my weight, made sure he was aware that I had selected “Big and Tall/BBW” as my body type (for a reason) and then video chatted with him to ensure he saw me the way I was. When we met he told me I wasn’t as big as he expected, which I didn’t know how to take. The good news is that I could tell that my size did not seem to have a negative effect on his perception of me and he has been calling, seemingly interested in another date and in getting to know one another better.
I have a date coming up in a couple of days with a different guy, and I spoke to him on the phone for the first time tonight. He’s completely charmed by my online persona and writing skills, my voice and my pictures and it’s the latter that scares me, naturally (because I can be charming online and by phone). I told him the same thing I told the previous guy regarding my size but his response was that he doesn’t put too much stock in someone’s size. Most guys say something to this effect, but I still get scared that they’re expecting one of those girls who says she’s fat because she can’t fit into an article of clothing with a single digit, or says she’s fat so he can say otherwise.
On the very few dates I have gone on, I sit there, waiting for the guy to show his disgust for me because of my size and it doesn’t happen. Or I wait for him to send me a message post-date, indicating that while the date was fun, he doesn’t think he could deal with such an ample woman. This probably doesn’t happen because men are wimps who are too scared to tell the truth. However, a trip down memory lane reveals that I turned down one guy because he made me feel huge because he was so tiny (height and width), I turned down another taller but very slim guy because I didn’t think I could avoid looking like anything but his mother beside him, and a couple of weeks ago, I stopped talking to a “potential” because I thought he would be dwarfed by my sheer size (I told him). He didn’t appreciate me pointing that out. It’s hard to imagine but so far my experience has shown me that I have a bigger problem with my size than any guy who makes the effort to get to know me, and maybe my pictures and profile descriptions are doing their job. I’m having a hard time believing that, and still waiting to see the overt rejection based on my size.
You are more than your size!
I'd much rather be with someone who made me laugh or made me think than someone who was with me because we looked good together.
I know I have my faults and I know my partners have faults too, no one in this world is ideal. So better to just relax and try being friends with these men before panicking about how you look together.
Also, you have some amazing not-faults that can all but eliminate your size 'fault'.
It's hard. I've been there. But you're right that you are more than likely the harshest critic and that most of these guys who are responding to your ads LIKE what they see. There are lots of men out there who prefer an ample bodied woman.
I sometimes run the risk of talking men out of being attracted to me because I over-ensure that they know I am not thin when really that makes me look insecure about my body which in turn is not sexy.
You're an attractive woman! Own it! :-) I always tell myself that Eleanor Roosevelt quote: No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
Jummy, the fact that you still feel this way about yourself is very alarming and I am tempted to fly to wherever you are and give you a good thrashing! Seriously,the more attention you bring to what you believe are your flaws, the more the guy will notice them and lose attraction to you…And here's the part that might hurt…YOU'RE OVERWEIGHT…WE ALL ARE, GET OVER IT AND FRIGGING ENJOY YOURSELF!!!!
That is a great dress and you are rockin' it!
I was so concerned about this before I met Torsten. He hadn't asked to see a picture but I sent him several right up front in case it was an issue for him. It wasn't an issue for him, but it was for me. You are right that I think it's worse for us. Really all you need to do is post a few honest pictures of yourself and then assume that if a guy has seen those pictures and is still interested, he's not put off by your size. But of course, that's easier said than done.
First, I laughed a lot during this post. You are so real!
Second, you look fabulous in those photos. At first I was like, wow, she looks different but I didn't know why until you pointed out the lack of glasses. Maybe you should try the contacts look a bit more. Either way, I think you are pretty with or without them.
Third, I think the size thing is in your head. As you stated yourself in a different post (I think on your other blog) that you are portioned correctly for a woman and I see that to be true. I believe that most men love that hour glass figure no matter what the size so you will do fine. Also, your dress was very flattering. Sticking to clothing that aren't baggy really helps to excentuate (sp?) your body.
I am very proud that you are going after your dream of dating and getting into a relationship. It puts scaredy cats like myself to shame. Seriously though, I hope you keep updating on this as you look damn good and I don't see why any man would not like to get to know you better. I am sooo excited for you!
You look FABULOUS in those pictures. And it sounds like you're right. You have more an issue with size then your potential dates (I feel like extraordinarily tall girls feel this way too – Being of average height – I am on guessing).
Anydoodle – the point is you like Fi-ine (and not like fine. but like HOT DAMN Fi-ine, if you know what I am saying).
Jummy, this isn't plus size dating, this is dating. I don't know a woman out there that hasn't had the same thoughts about how a guy might view them, regardless of their size.
You are HOT, and don't ever forget it ;)
Jummy, Bea said something very similar to what I was going to say. Just about every person has these same worries/fears about rejection. It might be about weight, height, nose, teeth, skin, anything. I know it's easy to think: That's easy for ___ to say. They don't know what it's like! But you are truly describing something that just about everyone has felt.
I really think you hit the nail on the head when you said "my experience has shown me that I have a bigger problem with my size than any guy who makes the effort to get to know me"!
I worry because you seem so down on your body. You are beautiful and you are a wonderful person! You are WORTHY.
Really lovely pics by the way. You should wear more dresses Missy
You are very cute in those pictures! And don't feel too bad about rejecting those guys. The attraction HAS to go both ways.
If you were attracted though, and they're still interested, apologies show great strength in character!
Also, a trick I learned from when I was dating:
Guys, in general, are way more attracted to a smiling confident 'plus-size' woman than they are to a scowling whiney 'skinny' woman. You have more things in your favor than you think.
Jummy, there are issues on the other side too. For a long time, no one asked me out because people thought I was a lot younger. People treat short, slim women with young faces pretty badly as well.
Jummy wow you're so pretty!
You were right. Unbelievable! (you know what I'm talking about)
Jummy. You know I love you. That is why I am sending you tough love! You need to stop trying to convince guys why NOT to like you, and give them the reason why they will like you…because you're YOU! Sounds like you're spending more energy self-sabotaging yourself instead of spending your energy on positive self-talk.
That being said, I love your honesty and yet again, a perfectly crafted, amazingly expressed entry. Thanks for sharing!
[side note: we've had these convos before; we're essentially in the same boat. I know I need to practice what I preach but I mean it with the tough love!]
Jumoke,
It's not the size you are that matters, it's the size of the connection you feel with that person. If you are feeling the connection, it's a good match. I like the real photos of you. If the men who are seeing your real photos are contacting you, then they are interested in what they see. I don't think you have to tell them your waist size for they have already decided it is acceptable, so move on and let them see what is in your head and your heart! Remember that they are just as scared of dating as you are and everyone has some "flaw" that they are fighting against internally. Love you! J.