He’s just not that into you and other laments
March 11, 2009
Many months back, my colleague accompanied me to a book store, and while I purchased what I had come for (a book on French verbs), she came across a book that you’ve probably all heard of, He’s Just Not That Into You, on sale. Two days ago, she gave me the book to read.
The thing with this book is everyone who has read it says the same thing: it contains commonsense information that you already know (though you sometimes push that knowledge deep down and pretend you don’t know it) and even though you do know it, sometimes you need to “hear” it again, you know, just as a friendly reminder.
I’m only on the third of 16 (short, quick and easy-to-read) chapters, but so far I am enjoying it. I have to admit, I didn’t really think the book would serve any purpose to me other than to provide me with catchy phrases to toss at my single girlfriends who are actually dating, because my experience with dating is more of the “in my head alone” variety. But guess what? I have seen snapshots of myself in the examples given. It shouldn’t surprise me, though, since I’m much better at giving others advice than following my own advice. Even though I keep my worries about what a guy’s actions could mean to a few close friends (except for when I share them here), this book reminded me that I do some if not all of those things that I really should not be wasting my time on when I know that he’s just not that into me.
There is something extremely liberating about saying (after a guy doesn’t call when he said he would, or doesn’t email back when you thought he would): “He’s just not that into me.” By saying it, you’ve given yourself all you need to move on to someone who is not only deserving of you but someone who is also into you, who doesn’t make you doubt this very essential part of a loving relationship. I know, that sounds very “Rah rah women!” and “Independent women!” but it’s also just true.
The movie by the same title is out, and I think it’ll be great to see how they bring the contents of the book to life, especially since it’s more self-help book than fiction, but also because I have been asking anyone who mentions the movie “But how can they make a self-help book into a movie? How???“) and I’d sure love to know the answer to that question.
I’ve got love on the brain it would seem, but in a different way from usual. A friend of mine knows I’ll be going to what may be a swanky-ish party on the weekend, and she asked if I’d please show some skin. Some cleavage. Not for her but for the menfolk. We argued quite furiously for a while: I personally think cleavage on…ample…women is ostentatious, and I just like to avoid it if I can (and I always can). I think it’s hard to make it look tasteful and classy on a woman like me instead of eliciting reactions of “Oh my gosh her shirt has split open from the force of what it was trying to contain and we can see down to her navel (well, we would be able to if her belly weren’t hiding it)!”
Friend claims that cleavage on “blessed” women can look good, no matter her size and the belly that I was complaining about wouldn’t even be seen if I had some eye catching cleavage showing to “dazzle the eye”, so to speak.
We both held tightly to our points of view, until she sent me this link (it’s a long read but some singles might find it interesting). I read the words “Men are attracted by the physical, but marry character” and combined it with the following that appears a little further down:”If you reach 30 and want to get married, you have to make finding a husband a primary goal. Once your friends start getting married, they are less likely to have an active social life with you. Don’t be the last one off the bus!” which made me simultaneously laugh and whimper in fear because I totally see it already: none of my close friends (except for my sister are single, and even she isn’t completely single) and the amount of socializing I do that has even a 1% chance of me meeting a potential mate is ZERO. Very few parties thrown by friends include single “friends of friends”, and even if I were to throw a party I don’t really have any single friends to invite to get a-mingling (while hoping they’ll bring their single and hopefully eligible male friends)! I am officially the last one on the bus (but don’t cry for me, Argentina, for I am a drama queen)!
Combining those two events, the day had me fluctuating between “bodacious babe who is worthy of the devotion and attention of a good man and who will settle for no less” to “bodacious babe who is worthy of the devotion and attention of a good man and who will settle for no less but will have a hard time finding him since she’s slowly but surely shutting all the channels that could lead to her meeting him, including but not limited to: being in good physical shape, making finding a man a priority (which includes working at it), being self confident, putting effort into looking her best, and going out on Friday and Saturday nights, when other singles go out”.
Gotta love life!
I just wasnt that into the movie. I have not read the book so not sure how it compares. I should have waited for the movie to come out on DVD. Yes very common sense material but still very cliche at the end (I wont spoil it for you)
"I personally think cleavage on…ample…women is ostentatious" Hmm, So you are trying to hide your gooddies while the rest of us are looking for the latest
in push up and padded bras?! I agree with your friend! show some skin, you dont have to expose
a lot, but just a little cleavage can be very alluring.
I can tell you, as a woman who is over 30, this is true. I found it really hard to get my friends together for events as they started to get married. I have 1 girlfriend who is single like myself and we have a blast together but it can be lonely-if you make it that way. I find it interesting to note that the same people who felt sorry for me being man-less now wish they were single like me! They overall feel that they missed things in life by being tied down earlier or that they can't do certain things.
In the end, it is up to you. If you want to get married, you will have to show some skin girl. :) I don't mean, being all slutty, just a little hint. Nothing is wrong with that. I am not a small girl (working on that though) and I never showed any skin. EVER! But, now that I have reduced, I show just a hint or wear tighter clothing and the amount of attention I receive is overwhelming! I am truly shocked and I feel bad that I let so much time go by because I was afraid. I dont think you are afraid, I believe you to be confident but just try it and see what happens. I guarantee you will get some nice attention. You don't have to find mr. right saturday night but dancing and chatting up someone is really nice.
Now about your book, I have never read it and don't really want to see the movie. But, I am the master of knowing if a guy is not into me. No, I take that back. I would never know if someone is interested in me. In the past, like 2 week ago (LOL), I never looked at guys fearing they would reject me. Right now I am going through something with a guy where I feel I am setting myself up for hurt. He is into me because he said so but I would never have known otherwise. I tend to ignore things like obvious signs. :) I can see it (the hurt) coming a mile away but I don't know if I want to stay away from him. As they say, it is better to love once than to never have loved at all. I don't want to fall in love with him BUT I can feel it happening. Right now I in super like. He is not available for all that and neither am I but I have to weigh the risks here. Doing or not doing is both negative for me. I love being single and don't even think I want children but being treated nicely by a man is something I don't want to miss out either.
Jummy, wear a nice top, show off a hint of skin and have fun. Nothing wrong with that.
I just finished reading the article. It was very interesting.
I personally don't agree with the women's guidelines to get married because I don't conform to those rules. things like that have always irritated me to the max. That is partly why I am single. :)
I do agree with the 1st impressions section only because I can see what they said is true. Personally going through change and knowing how confidence impacts my life in a positive way is neat to see. This is not exclusive with men though. Ever facet of life is different if you are more confident-to me at least.
The stages of relationships are intesting to note but I have no experience in these things. I don't date and have never had a boyfriend before so no comment.
Again, this post is describing my life, well, except for the cleavage part. Of which I have none (thanks mom). Annnnnyway, I do agree with your friend. One can show cleavage and still be tasteful. But, don't do it for men. Do it for yourself. If you do not feel comfortable, then you don't. But, if you are avoiding because you think you will be showing off, then you're wrong. Any shape, any size can show cleavage and still can be tasteful. Just don't tell our Nigerian parents that.
Wish I was there or you were here and we can be single together, because, yah, I am the only one in my group. The only one! Gets lonely.
I am going to read that article now and I'll let you know what I think.
And I liked the movie for what it was. It was really cute.
8. Women who live with their parents are less likely to marry <– Yikes!
I am a pretty big girl myself and I *always* show cleavage. It brings focus to nice things, elongates my neck, slims my tummy and makes me feel better about myself.
I recommend it.
I believe the 'rule' is to either show off leg or cleavage, but never both. So if you don't want to show off cleavage, why not wear a knee length skirt with fancy shoes?
loveedddd the book (after rolling my eyes and guffawing at my mom's suggestion that I read it, puhlease!) and while I can't say "i read it and bang, everything clicked in the love dept." i can say I read it at a point therapeutically and in other respects I was ready for it and … it IS true.
When I think of the lengths I went to to CONVINCE men they WERE that it into me (let alone convincing myself I wanted them, always waaaay down on my priority list – who cares if i come home crying? he's a MAN) I shudder.
all those cliches' are true, dammit. stop caring, they will come, when you're least looking, etc etc etc.
good luck out there (get outta your head! and yep, bust out the cleavage!) what's to lose?
Yeah, I find your rule of not showing any cleavage really weird. I know you have a cup size in mind that to you is a cut off for showing cleavage. I forget, is it C? You need to get over that.
Cleavage can be shown tastefully. You only need to show a bit of skin. I definetly think you should do it. Think of it as an experiment. What do you have to loose?
Amy is a genius…I agree with EVERYTHING she said.
You may not love your entire body despite what all the books say but if you show off the good bits…you will find a way to like/love the total package.
and as for Ves…another genius. Just try it once…experiment.
If I had my way it would not be "your idea of tasteful" at all. As long as the boobs are securely fastened, pushed together and pushed upwards with NO NIPPLE, only the tops showing not any part of the front, the cleavage can be as long as the equator and it would still be beautiful to me.
Jumes,
Take a look at this site with the photos of Queen Latifah (yes, honey, Queen Latifah). http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001451/mediaindex?pag…
Here is a lady with lots to love who knows how to dress (ignore the character shots from movies and the blond hair). She knows how to dress herself to look very elegant and how to show off just enough of her assets to still remain tasteful.
Just remember to remain respectful clothes-wise it's never "T&A"- it's always OR!!
Ohmigosh. I hate that book.