If my body had a blog, it would be posting a long and whiny entry right about now. Hopefully the body parts would collaborate and write one long entry instead of forcing me to read 12 different ones.

Here’s what I’d expect to read from my various body parts:

Fingernails – We’re ridged and our cuticles are ghastly. Do you need to take your iron pills more regularly or what?

Hands – We’re dry—stop washing us upwards of eight times a day! When you’re in the kitchen, there is no need to wash us the moment we come in contact with anything. You’re cooking, that’s what happens! If you must wash us that often, please m-o-i-s-t-u-r-i-z-e afterwards!

Arms – Oh my goodness, we’ve lost what little muscle definition we had! Get thee back to the gym, please, and use that rowing machine! We recommend you pay particular attention to our nether regions (triceps?).

Right eye – Ok, I know you went to my doctor seven months ago and he told you to put a hot compress on me several times a day but you never did that regularly so could you just go back to him and tell him to cut this sty out of me? In a few short days it’ll have been a year since you first blogged about the sty and to be honest it’s really diminishing my appeal. I know you’re scared that he’ll make a mistake and gouge me out and then you won’t be able to go on the internet as often but could you maybe have some faith in him? He is a professional, after all.

Cheeks – Oh my goodness, please, please stop picking at us! Yes, we’re breaking out, but it’s probably because you’re stressed and you’re not using those creams you got from the dermatologist regularly. Kindly keep those ridged things you call fingernails away from us and we’ll do our best to reduce the number of scars we display.

Midriff - We caught a glimpse of our natural indentation—it was thrilling! Could you maybe work on it so that we don’t have to wait for the stars to align or for a full moon before we can see it again?

Toenails - Fall’s here so if you could paint us a more appropriate shade than this pale pink you’ve got on us, we’d appreciate it. A trim would be nice too.

Filed under: Beauty, Mundane by jummy