How much does the physical matter?
May 9, 2008
This doesn’t happen every day (in fact it never happens) but a friend of mine has asked me to post a snippet of her life online for all to read. She’s not an exhibitionist but she is seeking your opinion. I started blogging because I liked the interactive aspects of the craft, and the ability to get different perspectives on things I’m thinking of doing or doing, and here’s a chance for you to weigh in on what I can tell is a true dilemma for her.
The story, in her own words:
I met a man about a month ago, he appears to have everything I want in a man. He is brilliant, educated, ambitious, comes from a good family, wants to start a family of his own in the near future. He is Nigerian, we share the same values, goals, and I can talk to him for hours. He is God fearing, has a career, loves and respects me and he has given me no reason to distrust him and is always honest with me. He is an okay looking man but the problem is that I am not physically/sexually attracted to him. He is short and physically not my type. He wants a commitment from me, he knows I have reservations about committing but he is not sure exactly why. What should I do? Should I make it clear that its the physical attraction? Should I commit and see if I become attracted to him? or Should I break it off and move on?
She not only asked for your opinion but she asked for mine too and if there’s one thing I enjoy doing, it’s telling everyone what I think. But before you read it, leave your comment below.
I’ll try to keep this short.
- I think physical attraction is important in a relationship, and that you should want to jump the person that you are dating (whether you actually do or not is another matter).
- I think finding someone that you click with in ways other than the physical is important too because we all know that a sizzling physical/sexual connection cannot sustain a relationship.
(So far, so wishy-washy, I know.)
I believe that physical attraction can grow and because of this I would tell my friend to meet up with this guy a couple more times and see if in addition to the sizzling emotional connection they have, they also have the physical aspect going too (they’ve only met once). I also know that it’s hard to let go of your ideals, what you thought would make you happy, and allow yourself to be taken by something that’s different but also feels really right.
I read the Dr. Phil book on love and other books where they tell you to make a list of things that are deal breakers, those non-negotiables like “must not smoke”, “must love The Sound of Music“, and compare this list to the man in question. If you match on 80% of the points or greater, propose to the guy immediately because you will never find 100% of what you want in one person, and you may discover qualities that you didn’t think were important that suddenly become so and better yet, your beloved has them.
So I’m torn: I don’t want my friend to end up in a relationship of convenience because she thinks she should like the guy (because he’s nearly perfect in every other way), but at the same time she should give herself the opportunity to determine once and for all whether the physical attraction isn’t there because he’s not physically what she dreamed of, or if it’s because he’s physically repulsive and she wouldn’t canoodle or procreate with him if he was the last man on earth. I think that’s an important distinction to make.
So, dear friend, don’t commit to dating him until you meet again, perhaps even a few times, and when you meet, look to see whether the thought of being physical makes your reproductive organs shudder, or if it just seems strange because he’s not what you expected.
(Of course my perspective is that of an almost 29 year old singleton who has John Mayer’s Love Song For No One playing in repeat in her head. Thank goodness she has you guys!)
To answer her actual questions:
- I don’t think I could tell someone that turns me on every other way that I’m not physically attracted to them. That seems mean. I would say that I don’t feel the chemistry that I think I should feel.
- I wouldn’t commit until I felt either physical attraction or felt that it could grow and would be worth exploring by dating exclusively. I also wouldn’t commit if I’d like to keep my options open and date other guys.
- Break it off if you know for sure you’re not and will likely never be physically attracted to him.
Actually, this is not a cliche, but with me, I'm more attracted to personality than looks and eventually, the looks grow on me. So there you have it.
Does he make you happy? Don't think about what he has to offer you and how happy you will be because of the material things he can offer you, but will he himself in whatever way make you truly happy? Does the thought of sharing your life with him, waking up with him, going to bed with him and just enjoying life until the end make you happy? If not then I think you have your answer.
I think there has to be a little bit of physical attraction, yes the more you get to now someone the you like them regardless of looks, but that is not always the case.
The thought of giving up everything he has to offer (good family, carreer, goals, values) is probably scary because most ppl think they wont find anyone else, but if you yourself are not happy and attracted (especially sexually, because it is important in a happy marriage) then down the line resentment and regret will creep up and both of you will be hurt. Everyone has a match out there and if you need to keep looking theres no shame in that.
Whatever you decide, best of luck!
Sex is a tiny, small part of a relationship.
My wife and I have always agreed that we'd rather be with our best friend, the person who understands us and who makes us laugh and have no sex than have great sex but no spark.
I also know that when I met my boyfriend online I fell for him and when I saw a picture I thought 'thank god! he isn't attractive' and I thought the love problem would go away. Then I kept being friends with him and he became more attractive. I think he is handsome now and I love him very much.
In both cases, I've been so sick over the last year that sex with either of them has been pretty much non-existent. You really see how much people love you when you're at your lowest.
I hope your friend is able to figure out what she wants. I personally would keep dating him and as you said Jummy, as long as he doesn't make her 'reproductive organs shudder' he is a keeper.
I agree with others that even if the looks aren't there, attraction can grow as long as the rest of him is perfect.
I have had relationships where I was not at all physically attracted to the person, and the attraction did not grow. In retrospect, I think the reason that the attraction did not grow was because the rest of the person was not attractive *enough* to me.
I get from the post that your friend has only met with this person in person a couple of times. He wants a committment, which to me, is a red flag in and of itself because if they have only met a few times, he shouldn't be looking for commitment. He should be looking for companionship when they are together, a few good laughs, and to hope for the best.
Tell your friend to assert herself. Assertiveness is not bitchiness, it is simply stating what you want. She wants long term to be married etc, no? So, tell him that is a LONG TERM goal. Her short term goal would be to get to know this individual on a deeper level, learn his likes and dislikes and passions and hatreds, and to go from there. Commit to not seeing other people if that is what she wants to do.
There is no reason she should have to think about serious commitment after only having met the dude a small number of times. If it truly is all there, it will come out very shortly; if it is not all there, she will have to move on and state that it is just not working for her.
(Of course, I make all this sound easy. Like I've ever asserted myself in a relationship, broken it off quickly or easily, or not thought about commitment after only a few dates. I really should just not give advice on this subject….)
I dont mean to sound mean…but how does someone go head over heels with someone after just meeting them once?
It's just…
Yup, I agree with the others.
I think you should give this guy a chance. The physical attractions will grow – I mean you've only seen him once. My husband (amazing guy!), is a few inches shorter than I pictured (I'm 5'10", and thought that I'd be with someone who's like 6'2" at least). But I'm so glad I'm with him!
Well, I don't always find my husband to be the most attractive (like when he just wakes up, or lying on the couch with me sitting and looking up his chin and nose), but there are times when I see him with a certain look on his face and I think "wow!!". Looks can be compensated for; kindness, personality, decency, love of family, etc. cannot. My only reservation is this– obsessive people are the kinds that meet you once and "have to have you in my life NOW". If he is worth it, he will realize that the "you're a little on the intense side and you need to chill out NOOOOOOWWWW" conversation is not blowing him off, it's just letting him know that you do not react well to Hollywood-like staulking.
Hmmm, while i believe there has to be some level of (physical) attraction for any relationship to thrive; i also submit that, with much interaction attraction builds up.
I think that while physical attractiveness isn't the be-all and end-all of a relationship, it is an important aspect. You can't fake attraction. But attraction can grow, if a person's personality is attractive to you. So I say give it a few more dates, but if attraction doesn't grow, you'll know, and you'll know this relationship isn't the right one for you.