Could this ever possibly be seen as a good kind of picky?
March 3, 2008
This past Friday I had a really good talk with my personal shrinks, Rich and Ves. They learned some shocking things about me, namely how totally idealistic and unrealistic I still am at nearly 29 years of age. I’ve been reading a lot of relationship-themed books lately and they all say that if you’re having trouble finding what you’re looking for, perhaps you should relax the not so critical criteria that you have.
My response to this is to inwardly roll my eyes because why can’t you have what you want, dammit!?
(“Because life is not fair”, “That’s just how it is sometimes” and “Sometimes what you think you want or what you think is best for you actually is not” are all possible responses to my question.)
Even so, I remain pretty convinced that if I want something hard enough I should get it, even though in this case more than any, I’ve seen evidence in the lives of my friends that what you want or what you think you want is not often what you end up with and there’s no air among my friends of having settled. In fact, as years go on, my friends seem beyond content with their choices.
I’m having a hard time coming to grips with the fact that my criteria might be too stringent: I’m looking for a Nigerian guy my age or a couple (no more) years older, who shares my religion, has post-secondary education and lives on the same continent as I do. On the online dating site that I’m on, I am guilty of not getting to know guys who are more than a couple of years older, who only have highschool education or who live outside of North America. When asked why I won’t give a guy five or seven years older a chance, my response to Rich and Ves was to wail “But all my female friends got to marry guys within a few years of their age!” I don’t want to be the one with the much older boyfriend. I just want to blend in.
(I know: what planet am I from???)
And that desire to blend in goes deeper than just the age thing. I am primarily drawn to the idea of marrying a Nigerian because after spending 23 years in Canada I don’t want to lose aspects of Nigerian culture that I’ve been working since 2003 to cultivate, and I fear that if I end up with a non-Nigerian, the chances of that happening would be far greater. And depending on where you live, an interracial couple could get more attention than they ever wanted (although interracial couples are becoming more common as time goes on). What can I say: I’m lazy. I like things easy. Just plop a decent Nigerian guy in front of me and I promise I won’t complain. Even if he’s (gulp) 5 years older.
It's hard, but do not give up. Your shrink-friends are right about the fact that what you think you want may not be what you really want or need. God knows exactly what you need and He is prone to surprising. Actually, I think he does it just to laugh at us…hehe. Case in point, my friend ALWAYS thought she would marry a guy with a college education. She's marrying one without, but it's cool, because everything fits. As for you, if you want a Nigerian, that's what you want. That's a little harder to change than the age thing. Perhaps you should be more open about that aspect. If you want to fit in looks-wise, many guys (gulp) 5 years older than you still look your age… sometimes they still look my age. Buuuuttttt definitely DEFINITELY do not settle on the religion thing. NEVER.
It's hard and you know I know that. Just do what everybody tells me to do (haha): pray, because God knows the desires of your heart.
To be honest with you, you seem unsettling about your criteria….and that's kind of an antithesis for what you are looking for you know?
~Jummy 4 NY 2008~
Well, Jooms, I feel the same way as you do. I have very stringent criteria: Must not be homeless, must speak English, not have any addiction issues, be employed, must be capable of tying his own shoes, and tolerate horses. Literacy is a must and working knowledge of current treatment options for OCD an added bonus.
There are certain physical attributes I would like my person to have, but not necessarily. I love, love, love blue eyes and especially a blue eyed blondie, and someone who is taller than me because I'm so freakishly large….
I understand your criteria and I say DON'T BEND. Don't step back from what you want…
The only thing I don't understand is the age thing. I've always dated people somewhat older than myself, and although it has yet to work out for me, I have to say I want someone older. I'm always hopeful that because they've lived more than I, they will be more sensible as a result. (This is rarely the case, however.)
Once you've passed up schmoe after schmoe, and you're all settled into your perfect home with your wonderful husband who has all the traits you're looking for, you will not regret being picky.
Until then, I'll be crashing on your couch every weekend, because you're my last single friend and I depend on you THAT MUCH.
Hi!
My husband is 4 1/2 years older than me. I turned 29 in December '07 and he'll be 34 in August '08.
When we got married I was still in HS for another a month, only 18 by 5 months and he was almost 24.
It is not such a bad thing. Other than once or twice while in school I always dated younger guys. (I needed to be in control). But dating someone older was a lot better. (not thatwe dated for long)
We actually had things in common. We liked the same songs off the same cds, whether they were rock or country. Little things. But all the little things add up to one great big picture. Kinda like a puzzle. A whole bunch of little pieces that fit is better than one big piece, ya know what I mean?
Anywho, I wish you luck on your quest. May he be your Nigerian knight in shining armor.
I'm so proud of you for wanting to stay with a Nigerian guy. That being said, I really don't think that you need to get rid of all your rules, but just give them some slack. For example, if you have stringent personality and age rules, sacrifice one of them…because, sometimes personality is more important than age (as long as he's not like 15 years older than you or something like that).
I don't think age really matters. Before Adam, I dated a guy six years older than me for a couple of months (he was a cousin of a guy I liked in high school…a guy who turned out to be gay.) As long as he isn't 45 years old, divorced with two kids. You really don't want baggage. I worked with a girl who dated an older man (she was in her 30s, he was close to 50) who was divorced with kids. The kids HATED HER.
Being in an interracial/interfaith relationship, personally, I don't think I'm losing my culture or religion, since people these days are so much more international, especially little kids. I mean, many non-Chinese parents in New York are putting their kids in Mandarin classes because they feel it's a good way to get them ahead. But it's all up to you. Remember, your ideal guy may not turn out to be all that great. I know that this is fiction/tv, but Charlotte York on Sex and the City thought Trey was her ideal man and look what happened? She and Trey divorced and she ended up with Harry, who did not fit her "ideal" in looks, religion, and to a certain extent, culture!