I haven’t written about my progress on the weight loss front because, despite the daily encouraging and inspirational emails I get from SparkPeople (I receive one about exercise, one about skills needed for personal improvement and one about anything from food to motivation), and the encouraging words of friends, I have not progressed. I haven’t even been going to the gym regularly, something I was doing sporadically up until this past summer. I’m somewhat sad that some of you reading this will be thinking “Uh huh, just as I expected” because of my track record with sticking to things, and perhaps that is why I delayed sharing an update.

The problem I have with motivation is it’s so fleeting. I am the girl who will hear a motivating speech, see dazzling before and after pictures, and read about the hard work and struggle involved in losing weight, then turn around and forget it the minute I’ve finished reading the website, watching the show or hearing the story. And the next time I hear the story, I’m equally motivated, again just for a short time.

Remember the pledge I made to myself via SparkPeople? It was on my bathroom mirror for months, then I removed it, partly because it was getting tattered but mostly because I was reading it but not letting it sink in. They were words and not an actual pledge anymore. A month ago I read a great book, Body Intelligence, full of lots of insight into me, but the only thing I’ve shared from the book so far is this picture, where I am clearly not displaying good eating habits. I just don’t have sticking power.

I’ve asked myself why I don’t have the sticking power, and I think it’s because I don’t quite believe that I can do it. How can I lose that much weight without it all coming back? If it’s going to come back, is it worth losing it? How embarrassed will I feel as friends and family watch me regain the weight and try to avoid mentioning it. Will it become group gossip, like that time I was dozing behind the wheel (very bad, scared myself so bad that it will never happen again)? Surely the shame of that is worse than the shame of staying the same, gaining and losing a few pounds each year that I remain the same size?

Of course, there’s no reason why I can’t do it, why I can’t lose the weight. I am able-bodied and my right knee that has been bothering me might be trying to tell me it’s sick of carrying around the extra weight. Every time I read an article about the dangers of eating too much sugar, or the fact that being obese increases your risk of getting cancer by 20%, I feel a dull thump in my chest. I have no idea how long I’m supposed to be live for, and here I am carelessly cutting this time short because of an inability to stop buying candy. And eating candy. More candy that most would eat in a week, I easily consume in a day. Because I’m too lazy to fix something to eat, I buy my lunches, lunches that taste far better than any sandwich could, or I go shopping while hungry and end up bringing home cakes and cookies I’d ordinarily never purchase (because of cost mind you, not because I don’t enjoy them).

I had a nightmare last night and I remembered three words from the nightmare. I can’t recall if the words were spoken by someone, or written on a piece of paper. The words were congestive heart failure, which is scary stuff.

Despite the fear I felt upon waking, I know it won’t stop me from eating all those things I know I should be avoiding. I don’t think anyone can actually help me; perhaps I’ve received too many helping words and optimistic comments over the years. Weight loss is hard work, and I have to stop thinking I can avoid that aspect of it. I need to pray for strength to deal with all the low points and then actually deal with them, instead of quitting when the next sugar craving hits.

When I accomplish this goal it will surely be the biggest accomplishment of my life.

Filed under: flab gab, Goals, Health by jummy