I am angry. 

The only good thing about this anger is that I know it will pass, and it does.  My anger is not a constant thing, although it is very easily triggered when I think of the source of this particular anger, which I’m somewhat forced to do of late.

The reason this anger dogs me is because I have not fully forgiven the source of the anger.  I know!  I write about forgiveness but when I think of this situation that happened almost two years ago, I can’t deny that I don’t exactly channel images of calm oceans and breezes.  The hurt comes back and with it is a flare of anger as if to say “Oh no you don’t!  You are not hurt, Jummy, you are angry.  Embrace that anger and don’t go all sissy on me!” and so I do.  I have refused to fully forgive.

The weird thing about my decision to continue to hold on to the anger is that I know it’s detrimental:  the person you’re angry with feels like crap (if they know you’re mad at them), you feel like crap, you probably treat people around you like crap as a result so they feel like crap.  It’s just not fun.  I also hate being angry with somebody because it takes so much energy (if I’m not finding the energy to go to the gym I’m paying for, you can imagine how much energy I have for other things).  It’s not the emotion of anger itself that I resent:  anger is fine, as long as it’s of short duration, and underlying issues get resolved.  I’m more irritated that I’m not letting go.  Letting go of the anger is such a wonderful feeling that each time I realize that I’m still angry, it catches me offguard. 

So, I’m giving myself two months to dig up this anger, give it a good look, yell at it if I want, and then show it the door.  I want to let it go, forever.

Filed under: Introspective by jummy