On being Jummy
March 26, 2007
On Friday night, I had dinner with some friends and one of my friends who is in the throes of a new relationship, and feeling rather cocky and confident leaving me as the only member of this particular group of friends who is single, very wisely told me that I should give up any hope of finding a guy if I insist on laughing the way I do (at the very best of times my laughter goes into high pitched mode, and breaks glass; at its most innocuous it’s infectious). I was a bit stung by the comment, which seemed to come out of nowhere, but along with the faint pang of hurt came the retort that “If he [potential boyfriend] doesn’t like me because of my laugh, or any high pitched utterances that come out of my mouth, then he’s not the guy for me anyway!” to which he said “Okaaaaaay” in that “Good luck, woman” way. I know I’m right in this, and could never see myself with a guy who prefers a quiet woman whose laughter is muted; it just would not work.
His words got me thinking about something I often ponder: my identity. I am constantly trying to figure out who I am, and in a very “chicken versus egg” way I wonder whether (for example) I develop new interests because I want to be like the people who have these interests, or whether I want to be myself with this added interest. If someone whose life seems so put together knits, am I taking up knitting because it’s something I would enjoy, or because I want to have something in common with, or share something with this put together person whose life I envy? Am I not-so-secretly hoping that more than an interest in knitting will rub off on me?
While I can tell you what I’m like in the context of likes and dislikes, there are other aspects of who I am that I’m not completely sure about: what my dreams are, where I want to be in x years, what I want out of life. I can answer those questions but I’m not sure if they are MY answers or the right answers or what I think are the “right” answers. I definitely have Oldest Child Syndrome (OCS), where the quest towards perfection and people pleasing is very high: you want to be the best kid, you want to be the perfect example, you want to do everything right the first time and you have your parents, any and all relatives and your parents’ friends all expecting this from you if not asking for it explicitly. You don’t want to be a disappointment. The fallout when a sufferer of OCS realizes that they are not the most perfect oldest child to have ever lived is quite devastating and can be hard to get over: I’m still dealing with one part of it today, which has led to huge uncertainties with respect to the pursuit of higher education. And this whole Nigerian business-am I or aren’t I [Nigerian]?-deserves its own exploration.
Things I do know about me are that I love my family and there is not much I wouldn’t do for them. I worry a lot about the things I can’t control. I like to make people laugh, I enjoy dancing, I have a fairly strict moral code and see a lot of things as black and white. I’ve never been good at keeping my mouth shut and being an apparatchik, yet I don’t enjoy sharing my strong opinions on controversial matters, not because I think they are invalid, but I think people should be able to have their opinion and share it without having to convince others of its validity: the very fact that you have an opinion and it’s yours is enough for me to accept it…as your opinion [well, unless you're totally wrong ;)]. I’m stubborn and impulsive and overthink the simple things while not giving enough thought to the complicated things. I question my intelligence and easily feel inferior to my peers. I think everyone else has it better too often, except when it comes to family. I’m a loner and independent but often fall into the safety net of my family. I cry easily but I am strong when people are depending on me. I procrastinate like it’s my reason for living and I will not do something hard until I have no other choice. I struggle with sticking to things I don’t think I can do yet I savour challenges all the same.
While I don’t yet have a complete picture of me, I’m on my way. As I enjoy the last few months of my 27th year, I see myself moving that much closer to figuring out who I am under it all. And hopefully, that person is pleasing to those who get to know her.
All hail the obnoxious laughers!!
If you can't shatter glass once in a while, or at least permanently deter your father from using hearing aids, what good is any of it?
I haven't the foggiest clue as to who I am or what I want. Last year it was so cut and dry: Go home, Grow fruit.
Now I'm starting to see that nothing is that simple.
Life is tricky.
If it's any reassurance, I have an ear-splitting laugh and someone managed to marry me, so… it's not a total turn-off. Or at least the hubs hasn't said so directly. He usually just mocks me for how I throw my head back, throw open my mouth so that it takes up half my head, and let out louder-than-life guffaw that is totally inappropriate for my petite frame. What can you do.
WG=apparatchik
You can't help how you laugh…you just gotta be you! I seem to have toned down my laugh a little over the years, I don't think intentionally. My brother still teases me about my laugh with the high pitched tone at the end anyhow. He does an impression…a funny one. And I was married, so it can happen!
At my last job I would occassionally let out an unusually loud laugh and one of my supervisors who sat across from our cubicles would close her door…oops! One of my current coworkers has a laugh like that and sometimes I can hear her from her office halfway down the long hallway all the way out front at my desk. It's great!
As for the OCS…I am with you on that. No wonder I love your blog so much…I can relate to practically everything you write!
Just confirmed the website for the glasses, so had to add it right away! I couldn't find it before with the way he told me to search for it. Here you go:
http://www.splitvision-eyewear.com/
I'm one of those people who is always trying to "figure people out" – myself included. I have really good intuition about people, my first impression is almost never wrong, and I have an uncanny way of perceiving myself the way others perceive me at any given time.
I think part of the reason I like you so much is that you're like me in analyzing yourself – you do it often and well. And it leaves you open-minded along the way.
Laugh as loud as you want.
As shrill as you want.
If he doesn't like your laugh, chances are there's other things he wont like either and you dont wand/need him anyways.
You want him to love ALL of you.
Love yourself.
Don't do activities you think others like.
Do it for yourself.
Do what makes YOU happy.
Be picky.
Don't settle.
You deserve only the best.
Re: “Okaaaaaay” in that “Good luck, woman” way. …I got told SO many times that I was way too picky. Look at me now. I cringe at wondering what would happen had I just settled. :)
Laura, you said that so well! It seems that's what we have in common with Jummy…thinking about how we come across to other people, etc. It might be an over-analytical trait, but I wouldn't want to be any other way!
Chiquita, it makes me sad that your friend would make you doubt your value and beauty and worth like that. You are absolutely right, if a guy doesn't like you simply because of the way you laugh, they're not worth your time or effort. In fact, I'll hazard to guess that when you find the right guy he'll not only tolerate your laugh, he'll love you all the more for it.
Wordy gurdy gurdy word: apparatchik
"I’ve never been good at keeping my mouth shut and being an apparatchik, yet I don’t enjoy sharing my strong opinions on controversial matters"
I find that a bit funny because I have a friend like that (actually more than one) who is very outspoken and pretty harsh at times but they can find it hard to say what they really think. Sometimes even about fairly simple things. I can't say I fully understand it but you're not alone there.
"I am constantly trying to figure out who I am"
As someone who writes a blog from three different perspectives of the same person, I can identify with that! :)