I’ve officially earned my “I made it to the last day of this trip without my eyes rolling out of their sockets onto the meeting room desk” tshirt.  Please get me one in size 3X please. Thanks.

I came to this trip with some expectations.  Since this is my third trip, I thought I’d be the most useful that I’ve ever been because I’d have the experience of the previous trips to fall back on.  I have found that this has not been the case at all.  As a result I feel ineffectual and useless, and the fact that my brain is boggled and I’m exhausted makes me mad because if I’m going to be this run-down, then at least I should be able to breathe a big sigh of “Well at least I was essential/vital/useful” at the end of it all.

I told my bosses how I feel and they all reassured me so I won’t have to start looking for another job right away.

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I have serious issues with feeling inadequate at the drop of a hat and when I’m in situations lwhere I see people around my age doing what seems to be such great things compared to me, I feel so…dumb in comparison.  And I’ve found that if I’m intimidated by their accomplishments and they are slimmer than I [the latter of which occurs in a solid 99.7% of the cases], I want to just crawl into a hole and never show my face again.  I notice that I tend to have these intense feelings of self loathing and disatisfaction more in the cooler weather; it’s like there is something about the sun that allows me to fool myself into thinking that I’m not that fat and unattractive. 

There is no need to ask me why, if the excess weight makes me so unhappy, I don’t just lose it….unless, of course, you want me to shove your skinny butt into the path of oncoming traffic.  Gleefully.

 

Filed under: Introspective, Job, NaBloPoMo by jummy